Cue the ominous, dark synthesizer chords, and the grainy black-and-white photos...

JOHN MCCAIN: "Most people don’t really know much about Barack Obama, even though he’s been running for president for two years now. There’s a reason for that. You see, my friends, the more you know about Barack Obama, the harder it will be for me to become president. That’s not okay.

So let me just set the record straight, right here and right now.

Barack Obama is a pedophile. He’ll steal your wife. He’ll steal your husband. He’ll kick your dog. He’ll confiscate your 401(k). He can’t wait to set your house on fire. He’s gonna score a bunch of coke, snort it in the Lincoln Bedroom, and charge it to your credit card, getting your account info from the NSA.

He’s a secret Soviet agent – nevermind that there isn’t a Soviet Union anymore. He’ll require you to wear strange undergarments. He wants to outlaw the consumption of food. He’s gonna give nuclear weapons targeting information to Kim Jong-il. He plans to sandblast George Washington’s face off of Mount Rushmore and replace it with Karl Marx’s.

Obama is a very bad man. Even his mother said so, one day when he was ten and tracked a bunch of dirt into the house. He plans to put Michelle in charge of your day-to-day life. Every morning you’ll get your schedule faxed to you from the East Wing of the White House, along with a list of your chores for the day. Oh, and Michelle doesn’t really like you, so there’ll be lots of chores.

The senator, meanwhile, will be seeking to run America into the ground as fast as he can, so that Arabs and Muslims and assorted other brown people can take over the country. He’ll appoint Fidel Castro as Secretary of State. He can’t wait to raise your taxes. In fact, he’s got Joe Biden assigned to think up brand new taxes, just so he’ll then have even more that he can raise. He’ll tax your shoelaces. He’ll tax your flower vases. He’ll tax the sugar in your rhubarb pies. Ah-ah, Mr. Wilson, he’ll tax the pennies on your eyes.

He’s going to teach your children about sex, even before they learn to read. Really dirty stuff, too. With pictures and everything. He’s also going to force you to have gay sex every Tuesday, and every other week on Saturdays. Then, he’s gonna tell all your friends that you really, really liked it.

Barack Obama is for socialized medicine. He wants to make sure that even poor people get decent medical care. He’ll allow the homeless into our doctors’ offices and hospitals. He wants to rip away massive parasitic payments from our hard-working insurance and pharmaceutical companies and use that money to provide even more actual healthcare. He opposes infant mortality. He’ll force you to have an abortion. Even if you’re not pregnant. Heck, my friends, even if you don’t have a uterus.

People don’t know this, but Obama is dedicated to the destruction of America. He wears his American flag button on his left lapel, which is a secret signal to Osama bin Laden, telling him that he can continue not to worry about George Bush actually pursuing him. Obama is not really American, and never has been. In fact, he’s not even from this planet.

He once said that the Constitution was "imperfect" because it authorized slavery. Can you imagine that, my friends? What kind of man would sell his country out in order to criticize human bondage? Can you imagine what someone so dedicated to ripping up the Constitution would do to this country if he were elected president? Signing statements? Suspension of habeas corpus? Spying on Americans without warrants? Extraordinary renditions? Torture chambers and indefinite suspension on island gulags? The mind fairly reels, my friends.

Senator Obama is a real piece of work. He didn’t even impulsively pick a clueless woman to be his running mate. Think of it. Why would he not do that? Why does he hate women so much? Why does he hate clueless people so much? Why does this sexist, misogynist, elitist – snob who once actually lived on the East Coast – why does he look down on ordinary people like you and me? Why does he refuse to take foreign policy advice on the Middle East from Joe the Plumber? Is he too good for Joe the Plumber’s solutions, involving the use of nuclear devices? Why won’t he commit to making the world hate us even more? Doesn’t his hatred of policies that make America-haters hate America even more than America is already hated prove that he must hate America too?

And doesn’t he hate our brave soldiers as well?. He does, and that’s why he’ll send them off to die in needless wars that have nothing to do with American security except to make it gravely worse. And then, when those wars turn sour because Obama would be as bungling a commander-in-chief as he has been a candidate for president, he’ll double-down on them and send even more brave Americans – Americans with whom I’m constantly getting my picture taken – off to fight there as well, even if they’re fifty-somethings who just joined the Guard or Reserve for a little extra pocket cash and to get away from the wife on weekends. And he’ll leave our brave soldiers to rot when they come home from war with physical or psychological damage, instead of making sure they get the first-class care they deserve at Walter Reed.

Did you know that Barack Obama wants to cripple our economy in the name of some ridiculous theory about global warming? He’ll put hippies and drug dealers and tree huggers in charge of our government, take away all our cars, and force us to live in teepees. He’ll make you eat granola. Three times a day!

Is this the kind of person we want running our country? America needs more wars, not less. America needs less healthcare, not more. We want to pass on to our children more debt, not less, so that millionaires can become billionaires, and billionaires can buy that fourteenth house in the south of France, that private Caribbean island all for themselves, or that personal jumbo jet to skip across the Atlantic on a whim for a quick twelve-course dinner. These are the real Americans, not people who work stupid regular jobs and actually pay taxes. My friends, we need to take better care of these true Americans – the ones who talk all the time about the virtue of going to church – not the boneheads who actually do it.

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