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It's a Bird, It's a Plane, No It's CYBERCZAR!

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 ....and he's coming soon to a PC near you!

Our beneficent government -- already protecting us in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan, and perhaps soon in Iran, Syria, North Korea and Venezuela(?) and with bra and panty-penetrating airport x-ray, and by ensuring the bonuses of the Wall St banksters -- has announced our further protection from the TERRORISTS !!!  by means of appointing a CYBERSECURITY CZAR, to be named soon and who "will have regular access to me" -- no, no, not me the writer, but to the Messiah ... er ... President himself.

Yes, I am afraid that the word CZAR was actually used in the announcement, which makes some sense after all, we being blessed by and acquiescing in government little less than imperial for the past eight or nine years.  And this chap (if not male the title would need to be CZARINA, don't you know) with "regular access" to the one person superior to a CZAR, would, one could expect, not be overly pestered by all that fussy oversight stuff that's so burdensome to other functions of our government, e.g. social security, medicare and such.

Now of course we need to understand that protecting us from the TERRORISTS !!!  does not obtain without some inconvenience to the sheeple ... er, whatever! ... but there's no need for concern over the constitutionality of the program, that kind of bother already having been put to rest by the previous regime ... ah ... administration, heartily endorsed by the sheeple's congress, and patriotically swallowed by the sheeple themselves, to Support-Our-Troops, or Heimatschutz, or some such.

So, of course, the CZAR will need to cover ALL bases, all cyber traffic that is, and we need to appreciate that this means we will surrender any and all privacy that may have slipped through previous government's ... well, for want of a better expression ... fishing nets, here again to protect the republic ... well you know, we were accustomed to that word ... from, yes, the TERRORISTS !!!  and anyone who thinks different is unAmerikan at best, and perhaps will be jailed at least, and should not expect to be coddled by that old habeas corpus  hocus pocus.

Now, suppose you're having a little affair – that's no affair of the government's you say – Wrong!  Every word you say or type and transmit by electronic means, telephone, cell phone, internet goes into the pot for processing, is filtered, can be selected, recorded and acted upon.  Will this all be handled with precision?  Are you joshing!  We're talkin' a gazillion bongobytes per nanosec here – be reasonable -- of course there's going to be a little slip here or there, and you are free to attempt entertaining that kind of issue with your interrogator.  And, hey, rest assured, we've had two consecutive presidents tell us quite emphatically:  "We do not torture!"

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Is there to be absolutely no private communication?  Well, smoke signals would be rather obvious and don't really transmit over much distance.  But then there is sign language.  But the CZAR knows that!  Hey, I know:  in a locked room, lights out, sign language under a blanket, with a flashlight!  But, whatever you do, you must never divulge this technique to the TERRORISTS !!!   And – ohmagod! – should the CZAR ever find out...! 
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Rafe Pilgrim, after "a life largely wasted on hard honest work," found himself a jungle of turkey oak, scrub pine and giant palmettos up a dirt road running east of Crystal River, Florida, which neither school busses nor the U.S. Postal Service dare (more...)

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"Hi, I'm from the government, and I'm... by galen on Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 1:11:22 PM
Hasn't anybody heard of email encryption? The ... by Paul Kinzelman on Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 1:36:19 PM
It was once technically illegal to distribute the ... by Maxwell on Monday, Jun 1, 2009 at 7:29:29 AM