911: Hello, 911. What's your emergency?
Me: Yes, I'd like to report a crime.
911: Okay sir, what kind of crime?
Me: Kidnapping and extortion.
911: Who was kidnapped?
Me: Well, it's not a 'who,' more like a what.
911: Ah sir, that would be a theft, not a kidnapping. What's been stolen.
Me: It wasn't stolen, per se, more like held for ransom.
911: (Sigh) Okay, what's being held for ransom sir, and by whom?
Me: Well I don't know the exact amount but it's gotta be close to a quarter trillion dollars.
911: Someone is holding a quarter trillion dollars hostage, you say.
Me: Exactly! And they're demanding money for it's return.
911: Sir, is this a joke? Because if it is, you should know that jerking emergency services around is a crime.
Me: I'm NOT joking. They're holding a hundreds of billions of dollars hostage and are demanding tens of billions of dollars to return it.
911: Just who is this "they" you keep referring to?
Me: American companies; Apple, Microsoft, Google, Amazon, and other US-based companies. Would you please send the police and arrest these guys. They're a den of extortionists. Here, wait a second, I have evidence. Let me email this over to right now and you'll see what I'm talking about. Hold on a second, I'm sending:
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