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In a startling turn of events, the Christian Lord returned to Earth, specifically the Garden of Eden in Jackson County, Missouri, where God held a press conference taking sole technical responsibility for planetary climate change, revealing that greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide in fact have nothing at all to do with the supernatural phenomenon.

"Humans may indeed be responsible for global warming, but not quite how you think," God read from a prepared statement Sunday morning. "All the Rush Limbaugh-deniers out there are wrong; Rush is right that fossil fuels have nothing to do with it. I blessed man with this mammoth and beautiful marble that is Earth, and then I wrote a volume of specific instructions how to be pleasing to Me. I never gave My blessing on gay marriage, otherwise known as the last straw. And I'm not even gonna get started on how tremendously you f&*#ed up My divine vision for human slavery. Many of you talk a big game, but it seems nobody actually reads the Good Book."

Proudly chewing a Chick-fil-A Chargrilled Chicken Club Sandwich, the Lord explained His growing ire corresponds with the increasing official recognition of homosexual relationships.

"I said it clearly, in Merry Olde English," God continued, "'Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.' But half of Europe and even here in My most favored nation, from Iowa to much of New England, you're letting these people--who I left specific orders to kill--you're watching gays walk down the aisles without even so much as being spit at. Massachusetts and Gomorrah, anyone?"

The God of the Bible made it plain He does not want homosexuality following the heathenous trail women blazed in the 20th Century.

"It's bad enough you let the females open their mouths and claim equality, but to try and pull the same trick now with the queers? The signs are true, I do hate Me some f@ggots," God frowned to local and national reporters. "I will have none of it, and you might want to tell Canada--where gay marriage is legal--to consider a winter without ice hockey. This will not be the last year of record high temperatures."

God did recognize how science and modern technology forever altered His immaculate brand of justice. According to the Lord, much of His earlier work doesn't make practical sense on a contemporary Earth.

"A plague of locusts, for instance, is no longer viable, Charleton Heston or not," God nodded. "Hey, I'm proud. I see first-rate farming, botany, the whole deal. All sorts of pesticides, and you could easily handle a few locusts. To your credit, I had no choice but to pass on the grasshoppers, get creative, and go climate change on you. These ecological tsunamis, literal and figurative, are a direct result of this liberal habit of sticking equality where it doesn't belong. That is why you get global warming, not because of a little carbon dioxide from a handful of SUVs."

Asked about the mountains of unequivocal scientific proof suggesting otherwise, God snickered.

"I may have tweaked the results of a few thousand studies. Apologies. But the worldwide rise in temperature was definitely Me. Because of your unholy alliance and habit of legalizing gay. And trust Me, the worst is yet to come if you don't clean up your entire act. I was not screwing around in Leviticus or Deuteronomy. I have a plan for every last bride who tries to get married having already known a man's touch, and nobody's obeying the Word of God. I made it clear: you stone her to death if she had sex before marriage. Read your goddamn Bible."
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Ian Squires is a writer and freelance journalist living in Washington, D.C.
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The world today is what happens when you take E=mc... by Ned Lud on Wednesday, Aug 8, 2012 at 7:10:21 AM
... by terrilian on Wednesday, Aug 8, 2012 at 4:19:11 PM