Someone issued a press release about Gov. Sanford that might unintentionally provide humorous insight into today's politics.[Humorous Spoof]
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Editor's Note:
Lest there be any confusion, this is an Onion-esque spoof, not an
actual press release.
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Press Release—for Immediate Distribution
Choice Resort Opens the Sanford Juarez Vacation Exclusive
JUAREZ, Mexico, Choice Resorts Mexico continues to bring exceptional
and charming lodging options to U.S. travelers with the opening of the
former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's new resort in Juarez,
Mexico—the Sanford Suites Pavilion Resort.
Former Gov. Sanford, who separated from his wife in the wake of his
affair with an Argentine woman, has opened a new luxury resort hotel
here in Juarez, a franchise with Choice Resorts Mexico. Sanford built a
political platform in the U.S. based on staunch religious, family
values while fiercely attacking his Democrat opponents as immoral.
“The Sanford Suites,†explains the former governor, “offers 35
Spanish-style guest rooms by designer Alberto Gonzalez, the former
Attorney General who resigned his post to pursue a new career. Guests
can take advantage of the resort's tranquil lounge bar, decorated with
religious artifacts dating back centuries, while attractive waitresses
and waiters cater to your every need in a Christian atmosphere.â€
The resort represents the perfect place for both business and leisure
travelers visiting the border town. “It's ideally located in the center
of town,†Sanford says, “close to where the action is and near the
Cathedral, dedicated to the Virgin of Guadalupe, patron of the cities.â€
When asked why the former Governor moved from Columbia, South Carolina,
to Juarez, Sanford explains, “Mexico is one of the freest countries. No
matter what people say about the drug lords, they have eradicated the
government here. And as Ronald Reagan often said in his speeches, and I
quote, ‘government is not the solution, government is the problem.'"
"And,†continues Sanford, “whatever you may have heard, Juarez, Mexico,
is full of good people, interesting attractions, fine restaurants, a
fascinating history, and very impressive shopping values. Cocaine is
less expensive here and so too are the exotic, Latin women who are not
only less costly to date, what with the reduced prices in the
restaurants, but they also add a spicy twist to an otherwise boring
marriage. The women here understand that man holds dominion over them,
as laid out in Genesis 1:28. None of that women's liberation nonsense
here. The Church has engrained this as truth in Mexico's cultural DNA.
No need to debate it.â€
Sanford notes that, like extended stays, a permanent move to Mexico is
financially advantageous for a business owner because the higher the
income bracket, the lower the taxes. Plus there are few labor laws and
minimum wages, which can sometimes amount to a couple bucks a day to
keep the servants happy. “That means higher profits,†says Sanford, who
was known, during his political career back in the U.S., for letting
loose a group of live pigs in the state house chambers as a visual
protest against the Democrats' ‘pork projects.' Here, favors can be
bought,†he quipped, “without the hassles or having to qualify them as
campaign contributions. In fact, there's hardly any regulation here to
speak of. It's truly paradise for plutarchy, where the wealthy elite
rules and can even buy the best men from the military. You think the
United States is the purest form of capitalism, look again.â€
Sanford adds, “Although there has recently been a spike in competitive
struggles between the various entrepreneurs in the drug industry here,
the economy is robust. In fact, the drug industry is one of Mexico's
most competitive, innovative, and lucrative, giving a vibrant boost to
exports and fueling the overall well-being of a stable GNP. Even the
little man on the street has a chance to make a buck by trafficking.â€
“I want to clarify also,†says Sanford, “that, despite rumors, this
resort has no affiliations with the C Street group or the Family. But
like the Family, at the resort we focus on Christian values. Mexico is
a God-chosen country where its people, though mostly down and out, take
pride in their nation, where the wealthy are the privileged few, chosen
by God. Mexico is a Christian nation, ruled mainly by Christian-based
laws and centuries of tradition, where the peasant understands the
dominion of God's selected few. The wealthy are tasked with the duty to
shepherd the flock. This understanding is in everyone's blood, as
taught by the authority of the Catholic Church that stretches back to
the Spanish monarchy whose power originated by divine intersession.
Fortunately for Mexico, its founding fathers were disciples of the
Baroque era and not the Enlightenment, unlike those agnostic, deist
fools who founded the United States.â€
To celebrate its opening, the resort is offering an enticing “All in
One†package for services. Guests who book this limited package will
receive a welcome glass of champagne, complimentary access to the
resort's breakfast buffet, and an invite to a special evening buffet
that includes two lines of blow, three hand-rolled marijuana
cigarettes, and one free hour of Wi-Fi access.
“I want to stress that the Sanford Suites welcome not just Republicans,
but Democrats as well,†says Sanford, “In fact, last month, Congressman
Mike McIntyre, a North Carolina Democrat, stayed here. Mike is a good
‘ol boy, believes that the Ten Commandments are ‘the fundamental legal
code for the laws of the United States' and thus ought to be on display
at schools and courthouses.â€
The Sanford Suites is fast becoming a meeting place for influential
U.S. elected officials, the perfect spot where high-powered CEO's and
international business professionals can find a sympathetic ear and
broker the kinds of deals that require complete privacy and discretion.
Recently, prominent men of influence have taken extended stays at the
Sanford Suites, such as John Ensign, Republican Senator from Nevada,
who needed a time-out after the media portrayed him as having an
extramarital affair. Other very important people to frequent the resort
are Republican Congressmen and Senators Larry Craig, Mike Foley, David
Vitter, John Boehner, and Richard Curtis. And, of course, Oliver North,
who is well known for brokering deals south of the border.
Current prison inmates, Jack Abramoff and former Congressman Duke
Cunningham are both planning a visit as soon as their time is freed up.
Scooter Libby has leased a permanent suite here where he is free to
make a new start. In the eventuality that an indictment might actually
be issued against him for war crimes, former Vice Pres. Dick Chaney has
bought one of the suites.
About the Sanford Suites
For more information on the Sanford Suites or to book your stay today,
visit
http://www.biskeborn.com
Choice Resorts, Choice Resorts Mexico, and Sanford Suites International
are proprietary trademarks and service marks of Mark Biskeborn's
fictional imagination. Many of the prominent men named here have been
involved in public scandals regarding sexual crimes or bribery and
other forms of corruption—and many of them are convicted felons. Some
of them have been pardoned.
2009 Choice Resorts Mexico International, Inc. All rights reserved for
the Foundation of a More Equitable Democracy.
Authors Website: www.biskeborn.com
Authors Bio:Mark Biskeborn is a novelist:
Mojave Winds, A Sufi's Ghost, Mexican Trade.
Short Stories: California & Beyond.
Poetry & Essays.
For more details: www.biskeborn.com
See Mark's stories on Amazon.com or wherever books are sold.