I believe the world has reached a critical point when it comes to gift giving occasions. There are just too many.

You see, after her birthday, Christmas, Anniversary, Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day, I’m totally tapped - not to mention, fed up with the whole process. Really, what bullshit gift giving excuse will those advertising bastards on Madison Avenue dream up next?

National Gift Giving Day?

Hey, why not? It’s straight to the point and self-explanatory.

Let’s face it, it’s tough enough finding new gift ideas so soon after Christmas. Valentines Day has only piled on the stress and now, thanks to those pricks at Hallmark Cards (and those aforementioned Madison Avenue bastards), men are now required to add a special romantic flair to our Valentine gifts or we’re freakin’ toast.

On Valentine’s Day, men are under tremendous pressure with this gift of love. Seriously, will she hate it? Will she love it? Will she be thrilled? If she throws it at you, will it hurt much?

Granted, a good gift on February 14th and you’re clear right through to the play-offs. True. One thoughtful, well-placed gift here will almost make up for the fact you were born a man.

Each year, statistically speaking, 1 billion Valentines are sent, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card giving day after Christmas. And women are responsible for 85% of all Valentine cards. Also, as a side note, on Valentine’s Day, condom manufacturer Durex claims its sales rise(?) approximately 25% - and more do-it-yourself home pregnancy kits are sold in March than in any other month.

Years ago, in my more romantic days, I took Valentine’s Day quite seriously. Back then, I was working at an advertising studio in Toronto and so, I used to write and illustrate my own cards to send to my wife. My favourite theme was usually “Tim the love God” - which was basically a cartoon caricature of me adorned in gold chains, designer clothes, sun glasses, a chest toupee and all the other things that make women go crazy with desire.

Of course today, I’m just my wife’s pathetic, potato-like lump o’ love that lies listless and lethargically inert - taking up valuable couch space whilst consuming my weight in Cheesits on a nightly basis. Not a lot of romance there, huh?

At this stage in the game, I figure I can love her from afar and watch the game at the same time. I’m a guy here. Haven’t I paid my dues?

For those of you still love struck, I guess you’re wondering what to get the love of your life for Valentines?

My kids had it easy. They had out those little cut-out cards at school and, for their mom, they’d make her some crafty paper heart-shaped card with glue splishing out all over the place. Of course, she loved it.

“Isn’t that cute.” She’d titter with delight. “My kids made these especially for me with their own little hands.”

Of course, I was the one responsible for a more substantial Valentine presentation - and it damn well better make her friggin’ titter with delight or I’m in trouble. I needed a gift that would keep that naked little freaktoid Cupid at bay for another year.

Hey, if I just splished some glue all over some card to give to her for Valentines, I’ll probably end up with my nose splished all over my face! Personally, I’d like to splish glue all over that Cupid and stick him to a fire hydrant in a dog park.

Now when it comes to love and romance, William Shakespeare knew a thing or two when it came to Valentine time. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate…“.

You see, back in the olden days, that’s all it took. A little poetry and not much else probably kept Bill Shakespeare’s girlfriends happy for the whole friggin’ year! But in our material world, poetry alone wouldn’t cut it because, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways” has devolved into, how do I love thee, let me count my money.

As for poetry, the only poem I know from beginning to end is “Jack and Jill went up the hill…” and I can guarantee you my wife doesn’t want to hear that while we’re making out.

Now, let’s look at the historical facts of romance. Seriously men, the last thing you really want is to be known as a romantic. Really, think of all the most famous romantics and what Valentines did for them.

Remember Romeo and Juliet?

Romeo, the guy who practically invented romance got so messed up on love, he ended up killing himself.

And what about Lancelot of Lancelot and Guinevere? Dead.

Tristan of Tristan and Isolde? Dead.

Paris of Paris and Helen of Troy? Dead.

Samson of Samson and Delilah? Bald and dead!

And finally, what about Pepe?

No, not that you idiots! For once in your lives, keep your minds out of your pants. I’m talking about Pepe Le Pieux the lovesick cartoon skunk. That poor skunk never even made it to first base with that cat - and then they cancelled his cartoon show.

So you see, most romantics either end up dead, bald and dead or as out-of-work cartoons! Doesn’t say much for romance does it?

Seriously ladies, if you really must know, the quickest way to your man’s heart is through his chest - with a sharp knife.

Anyways guys, Valentine’s approaches. Here’s a solid romantic gift line up. Pick any two: Flowers, chocolate, tickets to a play, candy, jewellery, a love letter, a romantic walk and dinner at a restaurant (and not McDonald’s you cheap bastards).

So, I hope you guys manage to find a way not to screw up like you did at Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You thought she’d love the snow blower. Save her from all that shovelling. That’s what you get when you ask for gift ideas from ‘Biff’ at the hardware store. Think FLOWERS, bonehead! I hate these damned tests of love.

“When I saw you I fell in love,

and you smiled because you knew.”

William Shakespeare