Bush's last press con was unintentionally revealing, full of self-pity, self-delusion...and according to Eric Malone, even a few laughs!

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BUSH PRESS CON

January 12, 2009

Gee Dub:  Thank you, thank you for coming.  I ‘preciate y’all coming out to this, my last press con.  You know, you’re gonna miss me when I go, like Bob Dylan says.  You won’t have me to misunderestimate anymore.  OK, let’s get this show on the road.  Any last requestions out there?

QUESTION:  Yes, Mr. Dub.  Are you motivated in part to make…make life a little bit easier for President-elect Obama?

Gee Dub:  Well, I wish him all the best, I really do.  I mean, it’s a tough job, as he’ll find out after lunch next Tuesday.  He hasn’t asked me to get those 350 large bills for the bailout yet, but hey!  I’ll do it if he asks politely.  I generally mean what I say.  Not all the time, but here and there.

QUESTION:  How would you define if, in fact, there is still an axis of evil? And what is the greatest and most urgent threat when it comes to security that Barack Obama has to deal with?

Gee Dub:  Well I know you guys don’t believe it, but there’s still an enemy out there that would like to inflict harm on America.  In fact, there’s a lot more now than when I took office.  Yessirree bob, we haven’t created that many jobs, but we sure as hell have created a whole lot more new terrorists in the last 8 years.

QUESTION: Do you think the Republican Party needs to be more inclusive?

Gee Dub:  Well, we got us a litmus test, you know, and you don’t turn red (as in Red States), you can’t join.  Some folks say that Republicans don’t like immigrants.  Now, that may be fair or unfair.  But that makes some folks think, “Well, if they don’t like furriners, they probably don’t like me too.”  And they might be right. The Republican party’s not for everyone.  And it’s a pretty exclusive country club, I agree.  But that’s what makes it so special.  If you let ever’body in, well, then there goes the neighbourhood.

QUESTION:  In the past, you’ve said that history will judge that you did the right thing, whether it was about Iraq, Katrina, or steroids.  But a lot of people, including some of the right-wing nutjob neocon wackos in the loony bin of your own party, believe that you have really stolen our wealth, taken away our civil liberties, destroyed our reputation abroad, given America a bad name, and generally fucked up this country beyond recognition. Do you have any last words of contrition or apology for the American people?

(Long pregnant pause)

Gee Dub:  Well, gosh, you know, hard things don’t happen overnight, Jake.  Not unless you take Levitra and wash it down with a Cialis chaser.  You know what they say:  Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.  And we’re not done with Iraq yet, either.  We figure the best way to take down this government, you know, to fix the evil problem that is government, was to saddle it with a huge massive debt, unlike any the world has ever seen before.  And I think we’ve done a pretty good job in that department.  Your great-grandchildren are gonna be paying this baby off, and the only thing left to do, as Grover Norquist said, is to drown the baby in the bathtub.  You know, cut back on excessive government spending, like welfare and social security and roads and bridges and national parks and in-fra-struc-ture, where most of your hard-earned tax dollars go.  That was our goal.  Now I know we haven’t cut back as much as I would like, but you can bet that the incoming fiscally responsible Democrats are gonna trim it back for us.  I trust them to do the right thing.  Didn’t leave ‘em much choice.

I inherited a recession, you know, from Mr. Woke-up-with-Wood back there.  He only created some 21-million jobs over 8 years, but folks don’t remember that.  Anyway, I inherited that recession and I think it’s only fair that I pass a really big one to the next generation.

As for Iraq, well, we got those permanent bases over there.  They’re not going away anytime soon, trust me.  And you’ll be thanking me when your gas tank runs dry a few years down the road.  You just wait and see!  OK, you over there, fallin’ asleep.

QUESTION: What do you say to those critics who just really hate you?

Gee Dub:  Everyone’s a critic.  Most are not hostile or angry.  Most folks are civil, except for that shoe guy.  Now there’s a piece of work, huh?  What the heck?  Good thing I learned how to dodge back during the Vietnam war.  But everyone’s a critic.  Like you take that “Gran Torino.”  Now there’s a movie.  Heh heh.  Good ol’ Clint Eastwood, he always comes through, don’t he?  “Get off mah lawn!” Oh yeah, that’s whut I’m talkin’.  Didn’t understand what all the fuss was over “The Wrestler” though.  I mean, I like rasslin’, but that damn thing just didn’t go nowhere.  No story line whatsomever, just a bunch of random scenes in the life of a loser.  But that Marisa Tomei!  Now there’s a pair of Golden Globes if I ever saw one on a pole dancer, and I have, if you know whut I mean, and I think you do.

But getting back to your question, you know a lot of people really hated Abraham Lincoln too.  So I’m in good company there.  But I never shied away from controversy.  That way I can still look at myself in the mirror when I go back down Texas.  Don’t pay no nevermind to focus groups.

I never spent that much time worry about the loud voices.  Oh I hear ‘em.  Late at night, when Laura’s finally stopped snoring, and the central air shuts off.  I can hear ‘em alright.  I just don’t worry ‘bout ‘em, that’s all.  But they speak to me.  I just make a point of not listening, which I’m pretty good at.

QUESTION: What is President-elect Obama going to do that will really piss you off?

Gee Dub:  Oh, hey now, I’m not gonna play the gotcha game.  I’m leavin’ him enough problems.  I’m sure he’s going to change stuff around, you know, mix it up, that he don’t need me second-guessin’ which one of ‘em’s gonna put a burr under my saddle blanket.

When I get outta here, I’m getting off the stage.  Besides, Mr. Obama, he’s gonna have his hands full with the economy and all.  It’s like I said:  Wall Street got drunk and we got the hangover.  Me, I got the DTs.  Just a little shaky, need a bailout, a little hair of the dog don’tcha know.

QUESTION: President Dubya, you’ve made so many mistakes in your long career.  What’s the worst one that you can think of offhand?

Gee Dub:  Mistakes?  Well, putting up that “Mission Accomplished” sign was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.  We were trying to say something else, but I din’t know how to spell it.  Had to turn that whole aircraft carrier around too so’s you wouldn’t see San Diego in the background.  And I guess my codpiece in that ol’ flight suit was probably a bit over the top, even if everything is bigger down Texas.  But the ladies sure liked it.

I guess I could’ve landed Air Force One in New Orleans or Baton Rouge, a perfect touch and go three-pointer just like I did when I brought that S-3B in on that landing deck.  Used to be a helluva pilot, you know.  I still got it.

I probably shouldn’t-a tried to privatize Social Security neither.  Just look where you’d be today if I’d done gone and pulled a stunt like that!  Thank the Good Lord for small favors, huh?  And maybe banning stem cells to cure diabetes and breast cancer wasn’t such a hot idea, lookin’ back on it. Oh, hell, I don’t know.  Wiretapping Americans, probably not the best moment of my reign, but we sure did get some juicy stuff from those second lieutenants callin’ their girlfriends, hoo-boy I tell you!  Maybe deregulating the banks and the financial lending markets wasn’t too bright either, but on the other hand, we cashed out early, so we’ll be OK once I get back down Crawford.

Having those soldier girls shove electric tampons up Iraqi prisoner’s asses in Abu Ghraib may not have won us too many friends, but we learned our lesson though.  We made damn sure none of them pictures ever saw the light of day in Guantanamo.

I guess not having weapons of mass destruction was a mistake, come to think of it.  We should have planted them in the trunk of one of them Abrams tanks like we had originally planned.  At least we would have had a reason then for going into Iraq.

You know, you win some, you lose some.  As Governor of the Lone Star State I learned that Legislatures tend to be “risk averse.”  Me, I’m “risky bidness.”

QUESTION:  You were pretty popular when you were a cheerleader at Yale.  Don’t you worry now that you have the lowest rating of any President EVER?

Gee Dub:  You can be popular by joining the International Criminal Court, if that’s all you want to do, be popular.  Me, I never wanted to be popular, and I succeeded.  I’m leaving with my head held high, just like that ol’ Argent song.  You know, “Hold Your Head Up?”  Damn straight.

Oh sure, I could’ve tried to be popular by creating jobs, protecting civil liberties, and getting health care that you could afford without a second mortgage.  But I took the hard road.  Wadden easy.

QUESTION:  Don’t you think you should have done more to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina?

Gee Dub:  What are you talking about?  We did plenty.  I went to see those helicopter drivers who pulled 30-thousand people off the roof in New Orleans.  We oversaw the decimation of one of the last strongholds of Democratic liberalism in the South, and that was no mean feat.  You ever seen anybody else do that?  No sirree.  You talk about Mission Accomplished, we didn’t even have to gerrymander southern Louziana, we just let Nature take its course.

QUESTION:  So how do you think you’re going to adjust to retirement, you know, no longer being The Decider?

Gee Dub:  Oh, I’ll get used to it, though it’s gonna be tough.  Since I took office I’ve had a National Security briefing every day but Sunday.  That’s the Sabbath you know.  That’s the day I set aside for football and pretzels, maybe the occasional “chimichanga.”  And don’t forget that I’ve taken more vacation time than any other President in history.  So…change?  Yeah, I suppose.  But change I can get behind. Me an’ ol’ Jack Daniels.

QUESTION:  Is it impossible for any president to be a uniter, not a divider?

Gee Dub:  Well, I sure as hell hope the tone is different.  I tried not to engage in name-calling.  Well, needless name-calling at any rate.  Terrorist.  Socialist.  Only when it’s really called for. Like my worthy successor.  But Mr. Obama’s a good man, and he’s got a good family.  And two cute little girls.  And a cat.  And some really big ears.  No accounting for it, but maybe that’s why he’s a better listener than me.

Well, y’all have been a great audience, and I’d like to say I’m gonna miss ya, but we both know that’s not even close to the truth.  Y’all take good care, may the Lord bless ya and keep ya, and don’t let the skeeters bite now, y’hear?

(Walks off stage)

Authors Bio:
Eric Malone has been writing about politics with a sardonic sense of humor through more than one apocalyptic Administration. He is a subversive dedicated to revolution through thoughtful laughter.