Read the uncensored ADHD transcript of the second Presidential debate. Honesty was never this funny on the tube!

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Debate and Switch

Obama – McCain Debate

Tuesday October 7, 2008

Belmont University

Nashville, Tennessee

By Eric Malone

October 8, 2008

Like many of you I managed to stay awake long enough to watch the second Presidential debate last night and I took copious notes.

To save you the time of having to plow through your local Corporate Media Punditry Regurgitation, here is the ADHD transcript edited for your instant gratification:

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Tom Brokaw: Good evening and welcome to tonight’s second Presidential debate in a state that even Al Gore couldn’t carry during the Great Heist of 2000. I’m Tom Brokaw because a lot of noisy right-wing nutjobs wouldn’t let Keith Olberman anywhere near a teleprompter this Silly Season. And now let’s welcome our two guest speakers, one of whom will be measuring the curtains in the Oval Office four weeks from tonight: Senator John McCain from the state that wouldn’t endorse a holiday for Martin Luther King, and Senator Barack Obama from the Windy City with a proud tradition of Deceased Voter Registration.

(APPLAUSE)

Brokaw: Our first question in the townhall forum tonight is from Allen Shaffer in the cheap seats.

ALLEN SHAFFER: Whatchu gonna do real quick-like to bail out real people instead of fat cats?

Barack Obama: Make no mistake, this is the worst crisis we’ve seen since the Savings and Loan scandal under Bush’s daddy, when John McCain was one of the Keating Five. We’ve gotta fix up the infrastructure, take care of health care, and energy. And the middle class needs a tax cut.

John McCain: We need to stop sending $700-billion dollars to people who don’t like us very much, like those bastards on Wall Street. We need to buy up bad home mortgages…in fact, I don’t know why I didn’t think of that when I paused my campaign to give Sarah more time to cram for her debate.

Brokaw: Who do you want for Secretary of the Treasury?

McCain: Not YOU Tom.

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

McCain: I’m thinking Meg Whitman because she just laid off 1600 people from EBay yesterday. And she doesn’t have a smart mouth like that Carly Fiorina from HP.

Obama: Well I like Warren Buffet because he’s so rich he doesn’t need to dip into the till, plus he’s donating to my campaign.

OLIVER CLARK: What will the Bailout do to help Joe Sixpack?

McCain: Well, That One over there (nodding to Obama) was having a three-way with Frannie and Feddie. And they left money on the dresser after they had their way with him.

Obama: The Bailout is gonna make it possible for you to take out a loan for that new TV set down to the Rent-to-Own store. And Johnny-boy over there, well his campaign manager Rick Davis was slurping down the gravy from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac up until four weeks ago.

McCain: Buy up more bad home loans, I’m tellin’ ya.

TERESA FINCH: Why should we trust either of you bozos when both parties got us into this financial shithole?

Obama: Well now hold on there. We had a surplus when Bush stole the presidency 8 years ago and now we’ve got a $10-Trillion dollar deficit—we can’t rob Hu Jintao to pay King Saud!

McCain: I worked with Feingold on Campaign Finance Reform, even though I’m flouting my own laws at the moment to win this damn thing. Barry over here is a Tax And Spend Liberal. I’m more of a Spend and Charge Fiscal Conservative. Deficits don’t matter, like the Vice President says.

Brokaw: Health, energy, entitlements—what’s it gonna be?

McCain: What was the question again?

Brokaw: Health, energy, entitlements—which is your first priority?

McCain: All three. My credit’s good.

Obama: Well, energy first. Spend $15-billion a year over 10 years to go cold turkey on dino diesel. Then we gotta make sure kids can get those braces and measles shots. Then Education. John’s giving his money to the big corporations.

Brokaw: What sacrifices will you ask us to make?

McCain: Young virgins at the altar.

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

McCain: Just kidding! I took on defense contractors. In fact, I took them out to lunch at the Hays Adams, more than once. But the good Senator from Illinois voted $3-million dollars for an overhead projector. And a mimeograph. And one o’ them slide reels with that bell that dings when it’s time to change the picture!

Obama: You wanna talk sacrifice? I damn sure won’t tell you to go shopping at Wal-Mart like Bush did after 9-11…mostly because they’re telling their managers to vote Republican or lose their jobs. I would ask young people to volunteer to help out America, like JFK did.

Brokaw: Wall Street, the federal government, and consumers got drunk. How you gonna sober ‘em up?

Obama: Well, the first thing to do is wake up the next morning and drink a Bloody Mary with a raw egg in it—you know, a little hair o’ the dog that bitcha? But to fix a hangover, you need to use a scalpel, not a hatchet.

McCain: Well his solution is like trying to chug Jello Shots with a Rusty Nail! The last President to recommend the Hair Of The Dog was Herbert Hoover—actually I think he was in favor of Prohibition, come to think of it. And he was a Republican and he helped lead us out of the Great Depression. I think. I don’t favor tax cuts for the wealthy. I just want to leave the tax cuts for the wealthy that we already have alone. Let’s not raise anybody’s taxes. Especially mine or Cindy’s. We have enough trouble making nine mortgages as it is.

Brokaw: How about Social Security?

Obama: Have you tried EHarmony.com? They’re pretty good. You’ll never be alone on a Saturday night ever again.

McCain: EHominy dot Whosis? You know, I’m a maverick. I don’t always vote with my corporate masters, unlike Mr. Obama. I'm not too popular sometimes with my own party, much less the Jackass Party. In fact, nobody really likes me very much, except that Yukon babe and that’s just ‘cause I gave her a room with a view of that plexiglass ceiling.

INGRID JACKSON: What about the environment?

McCain: I disagreed with my President about global warming.

Obama: (sneering) And you disagree with your Vice President too! She thinks global warming is just another sign that the Rapture is right around the corner. We can create 5-million new jobs making alternative energy. Senator McCain voted against alternative fuels 23 times.

McCain: Well, I was on Navy ships that had nuclear power plants, big ol’ gigantic cooling towers like Three Mile Island, just off the coast of Saigon. And I fought pork too. Except in that big Bailout Bill last week. Look here, more drilling means more oil and that means Joe Six-Tank is paying less at the pump.

LINDSEY TRELLA: Should health care be bought and sold in the marketplace like a common street whore? Or should it be marketed more like an anorexic model in a Macy’s ad?

Obama: If you’re happy with your health care, clap your plans. I say let’s go for the model. With no pre-existing conditions. Unconditional agape love health care, that’s what I say. In the Prada with a Dolce Gabbana bag and Manolo Blahnik stilletos.

McCain: I don’t even know what you’re talking about. We need to have more efficiencies in the health care system, more HMOs watching to make sure you’re not sneaking a $30-dollar box of Kleenex out of your hospital room. That’s the kind of thievery that drives up costs! I’m going to give you a $5K refund so you can go out there and buy your own private health care, to enjoy in the privacy of your own home, behind closed doors, like common decent cloth Republican coat citizens. Employers want to give you health care, you know. Obama’s gonna fine you to have health care!

Obama: Health care is a right, not a privilege.

McCain: It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.

Obama: My mama had to go fight the health insurance companies but she lost, so now it’s personal.

Brokaw: Let’s move on to foreign policy.

McCain: I don’t believe this—did we hear the size of the fine?

PHIL ELLIOT: Now that we’re broke, can we afford to be peacemakers?

McCain: Hey, everybody loves America! We’re known the world around as the good guys who only want peace and to spread democracy whether folks want it or not. Obama was wrong about Russia. We don’t have time for OJT.

Obama: Don’t be hatin’! John-boy thinks I’m “green behind the ears.” Well, maybe not now, but I will be once they print my face on money. There is a lot I don’t understand. I don’t understand why we invaded a country that had nothing to do with bringing down World Trade Center Building Number 7. Come to think of it, Osama Bin Ladin didn’t have anything to do with that one either.

Brokaw: So when would it be OK to nuke somebody?

Obama: We have a moral obligation to nuke folks to prevent things like the Holocaust, genocide, ethnic cleansing. Like the Shiites cleansing the Sunnis in Iraq, for example.

McCain: Everything’s fine over there! The surge is working, you just won’t admit it! We need a Cool Hand Luke at the tiller! Gotta stay the course and maintain an even keelhaul!

KATIE HAMM: So how’s come we’re not invading Pakistan?

Obama: We need to take out Al Qaeda and Bin Ladin. And probably Musharraf while we’re at it.

McCain: You don’t telegraph your punches! I would just invade and bomb them without telling anyone ahead of time, kinda like Bush is doing already. You need to speak softly and carry a big stick. Obama’s not using his inside voice! Pakistan turned against us because of such loose lips—not because of that air strike last week that killed 18 civilians.

Obama: Oh, that’s rich coming from someone who keeps singing bad impressions of the Beach Boys and talks about seeing how high the rubble will bounce in Pyongyang! And shouting “Next stop—Baghdad!”

Brokaw: Alright, alright you two. Settle down! So what’s up with Afghanistan guys?

Obama: We need to put more troops there, just like Bush is doing right now.

McCain: Well, when I was chugging Jello Shots and Rusty Nails in the hot tub with General Petraeus, he told me that Obama was WRONG about the Surge.

Brokaw: What about going toe-to-toe with the Russkies?

McCain: Vladimir’s been a bad boy and needs to be put in the Time Out Chair.

Obama: Yes, and we need oil from Russia too.

Brokaw: Is Russia the Galactic Empire and where is Hans Solo when we need him?

Obama: I would say we need to punish the behavior, not the child.

McCain: Maybe. That’s all I’m gonna say.

TERRY SHIREY: If Iran attacks Israel, which of you would push the button first?

McCain: Everything I learned about leadership I learned in POW camp. If Iran gets nukes, then everybody’s gonna want ‘em. If Iran jumps off a cliff, does that mean it’s OK for you to do the same? You kids get off my lawn! We need a Big Stick B. F. Skinner to modify their bad behavior by putting Iran into a little box until they learn their lesson. That and a few well-placed swats with a coat hanger.

Obama: Israel is our bestest friend on the whole block. We will never take that coat hanger off the table. But we do need to return those voicemails from Ahmedinejad. Bush didn’t talk to them and they starting acting out. Bad for the whole neighborhood.

Brokaw: So if you could be any kind of tree in the universe what would it be?

Obama: My wife Michelle knows more about trees than I do, but that’s because I started out on food stamps, living off the government dole. I know what it’s like to subsist on government cheese and not be able to buy Yoo Hoos with WIC coupons. People lost their health care and went bankrupt, partly because of the Bankruptcy Bill that McCain voted for and I opposed. (Although I did ask to remove bankruptcy reform in the Bailout package.) Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. What’s the Matter With Kansas? They keep voting against their own self-interest. Vote for me and I’ll vote for my own self-interest. Oh, and yours. Thank you.

McCain: Well I don’t know but I’ve been told that a big-legged woman ain’t got no soul. Didn't take too long 'fore I found out, what people mean by down and out. I don’t know what I don’t know, but I do know that if you elect me we will be invading countries sometime in the future that we hardly know where they are on the map, some Americans. I know what it’s like to fight, and I can’t wait to get back at it. You need a steady hand in the till. And that hand is me. And my shadow.

(MUTED APPLAUSE)

McCain quickly walks off the stage. Obama gives terrorist fist bump to every member of the audience.

Tom Brokaw puts on his iPod and leaves for next showing of “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.”

Authors Bio:
Eric Malone has been writing about politics with a sardonic sense of humor through more than one apocalyptic Administration. He is a subversive dedicated to revolution through thoughtful laughter.