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May 2, 2008

A Crisis Like No Other!

By Bruce Morris

Have we really come to this? Wars, famine, global warming, unaffordable food and fuel. And the news is covers what a reverend said and a politician did or did not say.

::::::::

Last night my wife and I started watching a few minutes into the CBS evening news, the one that starts at 6:30 after we both get home from work. On the screen, at the news desk and out in the field, Very Serious Journalists were discussing The Crisis and Very Seriously concluding that American voters like to see how Presidential candidates handle this type of Crisis.

One in our position could be forgiven for becoming concerned or even a little panicky in the age of two wars and the threat of a third one that could cause World War III, a collapsing economy, food riots all over the world, gasoline and food prices skyrocketing here, growing water shortages, a wacky climate and terrorists, terrorists everywhere.

Should we get the duct tape back out?

AND the plastic sheeting?

Should we uncover our collection of vintage wooden school desks and duck and cover under them?

What foul manner of evil hath plagued our fair land?

What man, beast or ill fate has furrowed so many Serious Brows?

What disaster offers such a true and consequential test for the mettle of a candidate for leader of the free world?

What, oh what dire events do Jeff and Katie pontificate over Walter Cronkite’s former chair in such dark and somber tones?

And then a voice came to answer my queries, to explain The Crisis to me. And the voice said:

A guy gave a speech.

Nooooooo Waaaayyyy!

Yeah, and everyone is really mad at another guy who used to hang out with him.

You cannot be serious.

Oh, really, can’t you see my brow? How furrowed it is? No, you don’t understand, this guy said some things that made some people uncomfortable.

And here I threw away the plastic sheeting in ‘03.

But wait, these words of his, they neither confirmed our greatness, conformed to our myths nor followed the approved and properly humble, penitent and patriotic script for the public words of someone who used to hang out with a Presidential Candidate.

Oh dear lord, I lost the map showing where grandpa put the underground bunker and I will never figure our where he buried the canned water.

But, wait, my sarcastic friend, this guy, he once said "God, damn America."

Oh, I think I know this guy. You must be talking about Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson, who said that God had visited upon us the greatest damnation in all our history by flying airplanes into and laying waste to towering monuments of our economic might, and wrecking and setting ablaze a portion of the monument to our military might on September 11, 2001, killing and wounding thousands of heterosexual, Christian and even conservative Americans, all to punish us for allowing feminists, lesbians and liberals to live in our midst.

No, it was not them.

OK, then, it must have been Pastor Hagee, who said the worst natural disaster to befall our fair shores, Hurricane Katrina, was God’s damnation on thousands of heterosexual, Christian and even conservative Americans, all to punish them for allowing a gay parade to be planned in New Orleans.

Well, uh, no.

Then, what did this Guy Who Made a Speech say and what was the damnation of which he spoke.

He said God would damn America for destroying almost an entire race and enslaving another one and for not helping the poor and for attacking and killing millions of innocent citizens in countries that neither attacked nor threatened us.

Well none of that is nearly as bad as refusing to burn lesbians and feminists at the stake and letting gays out of the closet. Anyway, what happened, how were we actually damned?

We weren’t, unless you count 9-11.

But I thought that was about the lesbians and feminists?

Wait, let’s get back to the guy who made a speech. It was a very evil speech that, even if containing much that was true, made white working class Americans uncomfortable and cast doubt on whether their country had always been and always would be perfect in every way and wholly blessed by God to the exclusion of all others for all eternity.

Man, I am going to have to find that bunker map. We are doomed, I say, doomed!

Listen, you need to take this seriously...........

Why should I be so upset by a speech in the country that invented free speech?

Because there is something you don’t understand: The guy who made the speech. . . he was black. And the guy who used to hang out with him . . black too (well, of mixed race, but black looking, so, you know, black.)

Well, why didn’t you say so at the beginning. Now I understand and see how we do indeed have a crisis on our hands! I see clearly the problem, but the solution is so simple, I am not sure why you are so worried.

Just make it harder for black people to vote. Like requiring government-issued photo ID’s that a lot more black people than white people don’t have and can’t get.

Problem solved.



Authors Bio:
Bruce is 46 year-old father of one, stepfather of three and grandfather of two, who left a lucrative law practice at a large national law firm to work, advocate and write for social justice and equality and find a way to incorporate a spiritual life into the material world. He now struggles along to make a decent living while holding true to his deepest principles in Portland Oregon.

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