Sometimes it seems like Congress is making more noise over steroids in baseball than Iraq, corruption, and New Orleans put together. This fictional parody of an interview with a member of the investigating House committee addresses this issue, hopefully in a humorous way.

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Congress has taken a lot of heat lately for its invertebrate behavior, but on one issue Congress has stood tall, hit hard, and Rambo-ed up. As a citizen of this fine country, I can only say, “Thank you Congress, for protecting our nation in its hour of dire need.” My gratitude is not misplaced. Congress has made up for unconscionably supporting the Iraq War, approving judges who are political and religious fanatics for whom the Constitution may as well be handi-wipes, for performing unspeakable acts (figuratively speaking) with special interest lobbyists, for buying whole-heartedly into the myth of Homeland Security (both as a concept and a Department), and – in the case of the House of Representatives – passing the already infamous Radicalization “Thought Crime” Act (HR 1955).

Yet all is forgiven because Congress has inserted itself between we the people and the greatest threat to our well-being since Carrie Underwood. I am talking, of course, about its ongoing investigation of the steroid issue and its response to that tome that has now taken its place alongside “The Pentagon Papers” and Isaac Newton’s Principia Mathematica: “The Mitchell Report”.

Now I know that the honorable Congresspersons on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee aren’t only investigating steroids. But they are making a pretty big deal of it and spending quite a bit of time pursuing such critical national issues as Miguel Tejada, Roger Clemens, and just when Bud Selig “knew”. Hopefully, as the probe continues, we will find out Barry Bonds’s hat size, how many needles went into how many butts, and whether Jose Canseco used steroids in writing his book.

Fortunately, we can clarify these and other related issues by an interview with a committee member who agreed to meet with me on one of the side streets near Fenway Park where I myself have on occasion purchased Red Sox tickets from entrepreneurial scalpers operating in the best capitalist tradition of the old Boston merchantmen.

As I sidled through the shadows cast by the now empty relic of recent World Series glory, I felt the same thrill that many an undercover operative must have experienced as they played spy versus spy in the Cold War strasse of Berlin. Perhaps in this very square of sidewalk a visiting Yankee had met his shady steroid connection and purchased the forbidden ambrosial pharmaceutical before a key game with the rival Crimson Hose! How many muscle-bound, totally ripped sultans of swat had committed their crimes against the Republic just out of reach of the friendly Kenmore Square cop on the beat? And here I was, about to snare an exclusive interview with Congressperson…aha, sorry, the interview was granted only on condition of anonymity!

BK: Congress Person (CP), tell me, where does this steroid problem stand in terms of Congress’s top priorities? Is this your most important investigation?

CP: Well Bart, after steroids, we’ll be investigating protein levels in power bars, and then, if the public demands, we’re going to find out just how many NBA players were stretched by their parents so they’d gain an unfair advantage over other kids on their school teams.

BK: Are you aware of all the steps being taken to disenfranchise voters in the coming presidential election?

CP: I believe, and Bart, you can take this to the bank – don’t forget to deposit it in my campaign chest – that any voter whose name is in any way linked with steroids does not deserve to exercise his – or her – constitutional right to vote.

BK: What about voters who are poor, black, or elderly? Should they be forced to stand on line for hours to vote because old and malfunctioning voting machines have been purposely placed in their precincts? What about people with the same name as convicted felons – should they have to prove they are not that person before they can vote. Should anyone without a national I.D. be denied the exercise of their most important right as citizens? And what the hell is a national I.D. card?

CP: I’m not sure, but I’ll trade you one for a Barry Bonds rookie card and two Roger Clemens from his alleged steroid years in Toronto. Won Cy Young awards both years! And a baseball Beanie Baby doll to be named later.

BK: Let’s move on. This may just be me, but I seem to be hearing a lot more noise from Congress about steroids in baseball than I have about the widespread corruption in our occupation of Iraq.

CP: We have it on the best authority that al Qaeda operatives infiltrating Iraq are in fact pumped up on the very same hormones that were responsible for at least 647 documented homeruns hit between 1997 and 2004.

BK: Well, actually I was referring to the billions of dollars assigned to construction projects in Iraq that have just disappeared, the armory’s worth of missing weaponry, the money trail that disappears once it enters Halliburton’s coffers, the relationship of Blackwater to the Bush administration, the killing and rape and torture of untold numbers of Iraqis, and sexual violence committed against female American soldiers by male comrades. Just for starters.

CP: Bart, you seem like a nice guy. Ever play ball?

BK: Sure, I…

CP: Ever use steroids?

BK: No, but you’re not investigating me. I was asking about Iraq.

CP: Do you enjoy gladiator movies?

BK: They’re usually a little short on plot and character for my taste.

CP: My point exactly! Gladiators used to bulk up on steroids. Now if the terrorists use them, they’ll be that much tougher to get rid of! Bovine growth hormone is no different than a weapon of mass destruction.

BK: Is that why Congress is investigating Manuel Tejada and Roger Clemens? Aren’t their personal cases a matter for the courts and major league baseball? I mean, have you noticed that the economy is tanking and that other than selling off American banks to foreign investors, Congress and the President aren’t doing that much about it?

CP: What about mortgage relief?

BK: Too little too late but anything’s appreciated I suppose. What about New Orleans? Has Congress done anything to help people return to their homes? Is it true the powers that be do not want persons of color back in the city? What about schools? Health facilities? Their homes? Does it make sense to destroy city after city in Iraq and then appropriate hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild them – not that they’re really getting rebuilt – while we ignore the destruction of one of America’s own great cities?

CP: Let me say, Bart, I am a strong supporter of the New Orleans Saints. And I almost wish – now don’t quote me on this, this is totally off the record – that Reggie Bush had taken steroids. Might have gotten more yardage out of him this year. I missed the spread three times because of that fella.

BK: Yes, but you see, CongressPerson, I think the public would really rather you looked into something substantive, like the distribution of Pentagon weapons to police forces around the country or the fixing of oil prices. Or the widespread corruption that shrieks from every pore of this odious administration. At least give it as much attention as you gave the stain on Monica’s blue dress.

CP: Great song, that “Devil With a Blue Dress”.

BK: Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.

CP: I love the Motor City. Notice that Romney won Michigan? Wonder if he takes steroids? I’ll ask Selig when I get him on the stand. Hey Bart, do you know that as a member of Congress I get the best health care available in America free for life – and my little dog too! Haha, not really Toto, but my whole family as well.

BK: Hmm, CP, can I ask you about health care?

CP: No single payer plans. We’re not a bunch of socialists here. Now I’ve got to go bail out a few more banks. Those fellas are just drunk on deregulation. Pumping cash through their systems like they’re steroids. After we give ‘em a few billion, we’ll be ready to go after Knoblauch and Pettite. Then you’ll really see Congress in action.

BK: I’m starting to think I’d rather see Congress inaction than in action.

The Green Monster loomed above as I trudged through shin-deep snow to my favorite watering hole. High overhead the Coke bottles shone in the moonlight and the Citgo sign bestowed its enigmatic blessings upon us all. I heard the flag flapping overhead and raised my eyes to gaze at Old Glory. WWJD, I thought. What would Jefferson do in the face of the steroid threat? Would Daniel Webster join Senators Charles Schumer and Chuck Grassley in grandstanding as they clamored for laws about steroids and athletes while war raged, the economy trembled, and New Orleans lay buried by neglect? Hmm, the same Schumer who folded on so many issues these past few years. But hell, if Congress gets to the bottom of Barry Bonds’s hat size, maybe it’ll be worth it after all.

Authors Bio:
Barton Kunstler, Ph.D. is a writer of fiction, essays, poetry, and plays. He is author of "The Hothouse Effect" (Amacom), a book describing the dynamics of highly creative groups and organizations. His play, "An Inquiry in Florence", was recently performed at Westchester's Schoolhouse Theater in Croton Falls, NY. Barton contributes to OEN and the HuffPost on political and social issues, and has been involved in progressive causes and campaigns since early in his teens.