Three world leaders battle to be Jeopardy Champion; Satire

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Jeopardy! Tournament of Tyrants: the transcript

Brought to you by: Janet Erwin and the makers of Head On.

Johnny Gilbert: And here's your host of Jeopardy,Alex Trebek!

Alex: Thank you, Johnny. And thank you to our viewers for tuning in for our very special Jeopardy! Tournament of Tyrants. Today, we're going to see three world leaders test their knowledge in some tough categories. But first, let's meet our contestants.

(theme music)

Johnny Gilbert: Our first contestant is a leftist Castro sympathizer and U.N. entertainment personality. Please welcome Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez!

(applause)

Next, from the Central Council of the Islamic Society of Engineers, he's a hero to Hezbollah. Welcome Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!

(applause)

And, known both as the Leader of the Free World, and "the devil," let's welcome Mr. George W. Bush!

(applause)

Alex: Contestants, I want to congratulate you. You were each carefully selected to compete in our Tournament of Tyrants from an overwhelming number of applicants who responded to our solicitation. On that note, I'd like to extend sympathies to several of our finalists who have since been ousted. Too bad you won't be able to join us.

Now, let's start off by looking at our categories: Today we have,"Religion," followed by,"The Holocaust." Next, "GOD." Each correct response will contain the letters G, O, D. Continuing, we have, "Nuclear Energy," "Jackie Chan Films," and finally, "Our Planet."

Contestants, please pick up your signaling devices. Hugo, you start us off.

Chavez: Alex, I'll try "GOD," for $200.

Alex: His fictitious character, Tony Soprano, is a tyrant of a different sort--a mob boss.

Bush: Who is James Gandolfini?

Alex: Yes. You now have $200. Pick again.

Bush: I'll take "Our Planet" for $400.

Alex: It is the result of more carbon dioxide staying in our atmosphere, holding in heat.

Chavez: What is global warming?

Alex: Correct.

Bush: No, what is it? Really.

Alex: Hugo, you select.

Chavez: I'll take "The Holocaust" for $200.

Alex: Here's the clue. A young girl who wrote a now-famous diary while hiding from the Nazis.

Ahmadinejad: Who is a Damn Liar?!?

Alex: No, I'm sorry.

Bush: Mmm,...Frank....Er, Who is....Frankenstein?

Alex: I'm sorry. That's going to cost you.

Chavez: Who is Anne Frank?

Alex: Yes! That puts you in the lead.

(theme music)

Alex: It's time now to take a break get to know more about our contestants. Hugo, it says here that you once told the United Nations that our George, here, is the devil.

Chavez: That's correct, Alex. I later spoke at a church in Harlem where many people supported and applauded my views.

Alex: Did you enjoy your stay in New York?

Chavez: Yes, Alex. I did. However, I only regret that it didn't coincide with Fashion Week. I'd love to have seen that.

Alex: Mahmoud, tell us about a childhood incident you had involving....let's see here....your hair?

Ahmadinejad: Yes. When I was young, I played a prank on my brother. I told a lot of people that he couldn't grow a beard, and that he wears a fake one. When he found out, he put sulfuric acid in my hairdressing. Well, as you can imagine, Alex, that was a nasty stunt. I now wear an oversized hairpiece to try to cover it up.

Alex: So, this is not your natural hair?

Ahmadinejad: No. You're kind to act as though you didn't notice.

Alex: Alright. Now, George. You apparently are a prankster of sorts, yourself. Tell us about it.

Bush: Well, not everyone was as entertained as I was. One day, I was watching an old DVD of "Spy Kids," and got to thinking. Wouldn't it be somethin' to wire tap some folks, just for fun?! You'd be amazed at the
things I heard.

Alex: Is that so?

Bush: I'm going to compile some of the best ones in a book, "A Real Leader Really Listens."

Alex: Good luck with that. Now, let's get back to the board. Hugo, it's your turn to select.

Chavez: I'll take "Jackie Chan Films" for $400.

Alex: In this 1978 film, Chan plays a Cantonese folk hero who gains fighting prowess through inebriation.

Chavez: What is, "Drunken Master?"

Bush: Either he stops his insults, or I leave. I'm not the devil, and for the last time, I'm not drunk.

Alex: "Drunken Master" is the correct response. George, it was a film....a film. Hugo, go again.

Chavez: I'll stick with the category for $600.

Alex: That will bring you to $1400 if you are correct. The clue: In this film, Owen Wilson stars opposite Jackie Chan in a comedic western.

Ahmadinejad: What is "Shanghai Surprise?"

Alex: No.

Bush: What is "Shanghai Noon?"

Alex: "Shanghai Noon," yes. "Shanghai Surprise," you may remember, starred Madonna and Sean Penn. George, your turn again.

Bush: I'll take Nuquoolar Energy for $800.

Alex: Nuclear Energy, you mean.

(sound effect)

Alex: George, you've uncovered our first Daily Double. How much would you like to wager?

Bush: I'll wager $25,000.

Alex: I'm sorry. Your earnings aren't sufficient for that wager. Try again.

Bush: I'm sticking with $25,000, Alex.

Alex: George, you only have $600. What is your wager?

Bush: Alex, I can say as President of the United States, additional funding is sometimes necessary to protect democracy. Freedom isn't free. It's my job to make sure these ruthless dictators don't gain control and win this war on terror.

Alex: This is not a war on terror. This is a quiz show. Alright. In an unprecedented move, our judges have decided to allow George to wager $25,000-- much more than he has. Now the clue: In September of 1997, at a conference in Vienna, delegates from over 80 States moved to amend this 1963 protocol.

Bush: What is.... What is "the Vienna Sausage Convention?"

Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for was, "Vienna Convention on Civil Liability for Nuclear Damage." That's going to leave you with a $24,400 deficit.

Bush: (mumbling) That's horseshit. We only have 50 states.

Alex: Alright. It's time for us to take a break. We'll be back after these messages.

(cut)

"Head On. Applied directly to the forehead. Head On. Applied directly to the forehead. Head On. Applied directly to the forehead."

(Jeopardy! theme music)

Alex: Welcome back, everybody. We've got an update for you. During our break, our judges have decided to credit George $25,000 for his response,"Vienna Sausage Convention." Although that was not the response we were looking for, it's close enough. Unfortunately, the money will have to come
from future earnings of other contestants.

(theme music)

Alex: This will make George our Jeopardy! Champion. Thanks everybody for tuning in and we hope you'll watch next week as we have our "Jeopardy! Tournament of Tyrants: Wives Edition." Two challengers will face off against the First Lady of Kazakhstan. We hope to see you then. Goodnight.

Authors Website: relayinc.com

Authors Bio:
A native of North Carolina, Janet works in advertising as a writer and designer. She enjoys creative pursuits.