When a presidential campaign becomes a farce, traditional reporting fails us.
Where can you find what you need to know about the different
presidential candidates?
Right here.
I told a political journalist friend of mine that I was compiling the follies and absurdities of the presidential candidates for an eBook, 2016 Presidential Campaign Bites.
"If I see any of those things, I'll let you know," my friend said in a dismissive tone, adding, "I'm interested in the serious things the candidates have to say."
"If I see anything serious," I said, "I'll let you know."
So far, I haven't see anything serious.
When a presidential campaign becomes a farce, traditional reporting fails us. Where can you find what you need to know about the different presidential candidates?
Right here.
Donald Trump, Republican
Laboratory tests have confirmed that his voice causes impotency in rats.
Mike Huckabee, Republican
Does not accept evolution as a science. This is not surprising for someone who has spent so many years in GOP politics.
Hillary Clinton, Democrat
She got the shock of her life by coming home in the middle of the day and found her husband Bill in bed - by himself.
Lincoln Chaffee, Democrat
Began his political career as a Republican. He then transitioned to an independent and then announced his candidacy for president as a Democrat, making him the political equivalent of Kaitlyn Jenner.
Lindsey Graham, Republican
Owes his physical strength to the summers he spent caddying on a miniature golf course.
Bobby Jindal, Republican
Still orders from the kids' menu.
Carly Fiorina, Republican
She cut 30,000 jobs from Hewlett-Packard. Just think how many jobs she can cut as president of the United States.
Ben Carson, Republican
Thinks that God has a Ben Carson complex.
Ted Cruz, Republican
While serving as solicitor general in Texas, he prosecuted a woman for giving birth to a naked baby.
Bernie Sanders, Democrat
Was once a roadie for the punk band the Sex Pistols.
Marco Rubio, Republican
Is pro-life. We know this because he supports torture, the death penalty, and voted against reauthorizing the Violence against Women Act.
Lindsey Graham, Republican
Is a cracker.
Rand Paul, Republican
Denies the existence of global warming. He also denies the existence of gravity, photosynthesis, and the Archimedes Principle. He does, however, believe that professional wrestling is real and that cootie spray can be used to stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Bobby Jindal, Republican
True story. His real first name is Piyush. He was given the nickname "Bobby" from one of the characters on his favorite television program, The Brady Bunch. Good thing his favorite show wasn't Beevis and Butthead.
Rick Santorum, Republican
Has not been naked since birth.
John Kasich, Republican
He increased his political power by attacking teachers. Why not? This strategy worked so well in China, Afghanistan, and North Korea.
George Pataki, Republican
His candidacy is just a ruse so he can visit Iowa in January on someone else's dime.
Jeb Bush, Republican
His plan for the "war on poverty" is to starve the poor into submission.
Chris Lamb, a professor of journalism of Indiana
University-Indianapolis, is the author of the eBook, 2016 Presidential
Campaign Bites: 200 Practically True Things about the Presidential
Candidates (Smashwords). Follow
him on Twitter @16campaignbites.
I am a professor of journalism at Indiana University-Indianapolis, where I teach sports journalism/communication and serve on the staff of the National Center for Sports Journalism. I am the author/editor of six books, including Conspiracy of Silence: Sportswriters and the Long Campaign to Desegregate Baseball (2012); The Sound and Fury of Sarah Palin (2011); I'll Be Sober in The Morning: Great Political Comebacks, Putdowns, and Ripostes (2007); Wry Harvest: An Anthology of Midwest Humor (2006); Blackout: The Untold Story of Jackie Robinson's First Spring Training (2004); and Drawn to Extremes: The Use and Abuse of Editorial Cartooning (2004). My seventh book, From Jack Johnson to LeBron James: Sports, Media, and the Color Line, will be published in January 2016. Before becoming a college professor, I worked for newspapers and magazines for ten years. Since becoming a professor, my articles and columns have appeared in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Sports Illustrated, Los Angeles Times, ESPN.com, Huffington Post, etc. My research articles have appeared in Journalism and Mass Communication Quarterly, Journal of American History, Journalism History, and other scholarly journals.I have given talks at the British Library, Duke University, George Washington University, and the Negro Leagues Museum. I have twice been a Pulitzer Prize judge in the category of editorial cartooning. Twitter: @ChrisLamb58