Satire about Donald Trump's bid for the presidency

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DONALD TRUMP'S FIENDISH PLOT TO DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE

The mainstream press are abuzz with scary stories about Donald Trump, but they've missed the biggest one of all. Trump is from the planet mars and is plotting our extinction. My source, Trick Spyman (not his real name), an analyst working for 479 of the nation's 37,657 spy agencies, gave me the details.

At first, I was unconvinced. We haven't even discovered that there is life on Mars, let alone a decent restaurant. When I pointed this out to Trick, he exploded.

"Look, Jack, I have studied Mars culture extensively from my CIA office, where I enjoy access to information which can't be trusted to mere scientists or academics. The mechanical rovers haven't spotted anything on the planet because the Martians have gone underground after destroying their natural environment on the surface. We are aware of this from Martians who are double agents working for us."

So I naturally questioned, "Trump has somehow traveled from Mars to Earth?"

"They employ advanced space travel," Trick replied, "and the evidence of Trump's place of birth is overwhelming."

"What evidence?"

"Have you ever seen a human with hair like that? That, my friend, is Martian hair, a thing their species can't cover up."

I admitted that this was convincing, the eeriness of his being so unlike normal humans, but asked for further evidence.

Trick responded, "Do you remember when his ex wife Ivana called him "The Donald?"

"I have a vague recollection," I admitted.

"On Mars, no two people have the same first name. You would, for example, be called 'The Jack' were you Martian. Ivana, being in the know, slipped and gave him away in an awkward moment, during a difficult divorce in which she was blackmailing Trump that she would let it all out to the public unless she got more millions."

"Okay, that's convincing, but is there more to this?"

"Of course," said Trick, "Doesn't it seem strange to you that Trump spends so much time attacking illegal aliens? He's obviously trying to divert attention from his own extraterrestrialness. It's not just the Mexicans-- he's gone after Obama, accusing him of being Kenyan."

It appeared the evidence was irrefutable. How had I missed this?

"But why is he running for president?," I asked.

"Because from such a position of power he can eliminate the human race. Martian capitalists have destroyed their own home, long ago succumbing to global warming caused by industrialization, evidence of which is now buried in dust, so they need a new planet. Water's dried up, oxygen's gone. Earth is conveniently in the vicinity, all they need is to remove the humans to make room."

"But why isn't this in the media to warn the public?"

"We don't want to panic the masses or let the Martians know we are on to them. There aren't a lot of them now, but they reproduce quickly and if they thought we were on to them they might suddenly become millions."

"How would that happen?," I asked, now in shock that I'd missed so much important information.

Trick indulged me, "The only part of them which is alive is the hair, the rest is an optical illusion they project to make you think they are human. Trump has no actual body as we know it. The hair is capable of asexual reproduction, dividing into two, then quickly four, eight, sixteen until they quickly become millions. This is likely to happen if they are frightened. As they reproduce, they get excited, and in the frenzy begin huffing and puffing until they explode, causing massive damage, enough to destroy a large city. Trump's constant huffing and puffing that you see is anticipatory of this."

"But how can you stop this from happening?," I asked, now fearing for the survival of my species.

"Trump is their leader. If he were to suddenly expire, the rest would die with him-- he has the control module in his hair. We have to play along with him until we get to the Republican debates."

"But what will happen in the debates?"

"We're certain that the shrill cries of the other candidates, advocating for war, more pollution and the rapid expansion of poverty on behalf of those who fund their campaigns, will cause the circuitry in Trump's control module to short, frying him and directly bringing about the end of the Martian race."

I had to promise Trick that I would not pass this on, so I'm holding my readers to secrecy. You can't let this out until after the Republican debates. Meanwhile, I'm holding my breath whenever I see Trump huffing and puffing.

Jack Balkwill is an activist in Virginia.

Authors Bio:

Jack Balkwill has written for publications from the little read Rectangle, magazine of the English Honor Society, to the (then) millions of readers USA Today, and progressive publications such as Z Magazine, In These Times, Counterpunch, This Can't Be Happening, Dissident Voice, and others