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July 7, 2015
"No! Maybe? Yes!" - Not Just a Transgender Memoir
By Joan Brunwasser
Getting married and raising three children kept me busy and occupied with responsibilities for over 25 years. It did a great but far from perfect job in holding me back from really having to face my truth of who I am. Even after I left my marriage in 2001, it still took me another eight years to come to terms with the fact that I am a transsexual. Once I could say that, the work of deciding what to do about it began.
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Interview with author, Grace Anne Stevens
My guest today is Grace Anne Stevens, trainer, speaker and author of No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth [Graceful Change Press, 2015].
JB: Welcome to OpEdNews, Grace. Please tell our readers why you wrote this book.
GAS: Joan, thanks so much for inviting me to share with your readers. I look at my book as something much more than just a transgender memoir. Some people see it as a transgender story, some as a self-help book but, for me, it is really a love story - how I learned to love myself.
The "why" behind it really began in 2009 about a month after I shared with my adult children that I was transgender. At that time, I has no idea where my journey was going to take me. A few months after this, my youngest son, who was married, owned a house, and was living and teaching in Tucson, called me and said he was wrestling with not feeling he was living his true life. He stated that he did not want to be my age and realize he went down the wrong path!
This shocked me and made me realize that not living one's truth is not just an issue for transgender people, but really one that is present for all people everywhere, and perhaps, just perhaps, there was a mission for me to help teach about this. As I wrote this book in 2014, I felt it was part of this mission.
JB: I definitely want to discuss your mission but first, let's talk about how you learned to love yourself - an essential task for each and every one of us. You transitioned at age 64. While I admittedly know little about transgender, it does seem quite late to make such a major life change. What took you so long?
GAS: Yes, that question, "what took so long?" was something that was in the back of my mind every day of my life as I managed to live in denial of all the feelings inside me of feeling "different" and "wrong" and having no idea how to reach self-acceptance and that there really was nothing wrong with me.
Getting married and raising three children kept me busy and occupied with responsibilities and what I "should be" and "should be doing" for over 25 years. It did a great but far from perfect job in holding me back from really having to face my truth of who I am. Even after I left my marriage of 25 years in 2001, it still took me another eight years to come to terms with the fact that I am a transsexual. Once I could say that and admit it to myself, then the work of deciding what to do about it began.
JB: So it sounds like a gradual process, rather than a sudden revelation. Repressing your feelings all that time can't have been good for you and it must have affected your relationships with others. Can you talk about that, please?
GAS: For most of my life, I was not even aware of how much I was repressing my feelings. The reality is that I had them completely blocked. People often ask the question of what comes first among the three constructs of DO - BE - HAVE. I became very good at DOING and HAVING all the while blocking my sense of BEING. Without an honest sense of myself, I did not let myself feel. You are correct that without being able to access and communicate feelings, it did not allow me to be in any successful relationships with others, and, as I eventually learned, even with myself. I was in many relationships but when asked and even pressed as to what or how I felt, I would freeze, avoid, or even fabricate a response.
JB: So, how does one go from being frozen or out of touch to being more attuned to and in sync with one's inner workings? How did you? It can't have been easy.
GAS: I talk about this a lot in my book: about after leaving my marriage in 2001, going through what I call my "Existential Crisis" where I would come home from work each night and cry for hours, realizing that if I did not do something different (and I really did not know what that could be at the time), I would repeat everything all over again if I dared to look for new relationships.
The crying went on each night for a few weeks as I started to read, and somehow, and I am not certain how this occurred, I started to "play" with the feelings that were presenting to me. It was not easy, and I described it as being like the kid in the candy shop, tasting each new feeling. I started to share some of this with some people at work and with my kids, and it is still something I try to explore today.
JB: Once you eventually decided that transitioning was what you wanted to do, you had many tricky hurdles ahead of you: not the least being telling your adult children and colleagues. How did you prepare for that? Weren't you petrified?
GAS: It was the spring of 2009, about a year after I started to go out dressed as a woman, when I felt that I had to tell my kids. My thought process was that if anything ever happened to me when I was out dressed, I did not want my family to find out in a "bad" situation. At this time, I had no plan or idea that I would eventually transition but was on a path of exploration and really trying to understand all the forces that were always inside of me. The fear of calling a meeting, and then saying the words "I am transgender" was difficult but I knew it had to be done, as I was more petrified by them finding out without me telling them.
When I decided that I would transition, which occurred in late 2010, the hardest part in my decision process was the fear that my kids would abandon me. I am blessed and lucky that this never happened. I did force everyone in my family to go on a journey they never planned on, but we are still a family.
JB: You are incredibly lucky, Grace. I imagine that many people do not have such good fortune in that department. Let's talk a moment about the "collateral damage" when a person embarks on a journey like this. It's really hard to be mindful of others when you are in the midst of so much change and growth. What have you learned from your experience that could be helpful to someone else in a similar situation?
GAS: This is such a large and difficult subject. There is a saying that is used in the trans community:
You don't have choice in being transgender.
You do have a choice in what you do about it.
Even with that being said, it seems that many people will go from denial to ultimately reach some form of self-acceptance. Once this point is reached, when we want to share our discovery of our new sense of who we are, we want everyone to jump on board with us. This does not often occur, as we may have a hard time realizing that there are so many reasons that wanting this looks like we are self-centered and selfish and care only about ourselves. I tell people that when you are thinking about transitioning, you need to be prepared to lose everything and everyone in your life.
JB: That's harsh.
GAS: The choice of what one does about being transgender requires a careful balance of what I call the choice between "Being ME" and "Being WE". Can one transition or not transition and keep all parts of their life in balance? There is not one simple answer or way to do this. Many relationships and families are torn apart. This is so sad. I hope that as more discussions like this appear, people will learn to understand and accept that being transgender is not a choice and not something that has an on/off switch.
JB: You were an engineer for many years; now you are a counselor and trainer; at one point, you were both engineer and counselor. How did getting this second degree and career play into your self-actualization?
GAS: I often cannot believe that while in a successful career as what might be described as a Type "A" highly directive, in-charge engineering manager, I start to go down a path where I will sit down, build a relationship with people, listen carefully and learn to hold up a mirror with suggestions but not tell them how to live their lives.
In 2005, when I went to a group interview as part of the counseling program admitting process, the interviewer asked me why I wanted to become a counselor. I look back at my response in dismay: I said "I am an engineer and program manager, and I want to help fix people!" She nodded knowingly, and moved on to the next person. Somehow, they still admitted me and, class by class, I learned that counselors and therapists DO NOT FIX PEOPLE!
The more I was taught, about the relationship between counselor and client as the primary part of the healing work, the more I found myself going inside to work on my internal relationship, which can be considered what you call self-actualization.
JB: Yes, it's quite a shift in perspective going from problem-solver to facilitator. Tell us, please, who you work with in your counseling and training and how that's going.
GAS: When I received my MA in Counseling Psychology in 2009, I chose to continue to work days in the tech world and also worked two-three nights each week at a substance abuse clinic where I interned. Over my six years at the clinic, I had both individual clients, and facilitated treatment groups. I found a great deal of excitement when I facilitated and taught the psycho-education groups for first offender drunk drivers. Here in Massachusetts, anyone with a first OUI violation is mandated to take a 32-hour alcohol education class. For the past six years, I have probably taught 400-500 people in these classes. I learned to teach the required curriculum of the state's program and add a good deal about relationships in these classes. I found that this part of "Grace's curriculum" often had a strong impact on many of the attendees, as they got to learn more about themselves, rather than being told they were bad people for getting an OUI.
When my tech job was eliminated in 2013, I created a consulting company called Gender Variance Education and Training where I go into organizations to help trainings at all levels if and when someone chooses to transition gender in the workplace, a school or organization. For a number of people, I may be the first trans person they have ever met, so it is important that I present as knowledgeable and professional.
Now, with another "reinvention" as an author, which is so exciting, I have also started a speaking business and hope to go into colleges and talk about living your true life, and authenticity, which is much more than just an issue in the transgender community.
Each day is a new adventure and is very exciting.
JB: I like your attitude! How did your own transition in your workplace go? How did you prepare your colleagues?
GAS: Thanks. I had taken four weeks off from my tech job to have and recuperate from FFS - Facial Feminization Surgery - and they held a training session for about 200 people the week before I returned. I wrote a six-page letter to give a personal view about my journey and also provided a FAQ within it (a copy of this and other letters I wrote are at the end of my book). The day I returned to work as Grace, I remember parking my car, reaching the door and momentarily freezing before I opened it and walked up the stairs to my office, which had a brand new nameplate on it that said Grace Stevens.
For the first time, I left my purse under my desk and went to my boss's office to introduce myself. It was amazing that first week. So many people came by and told me how brave I was and how great I looked. The most amazing thing was a woman I did not know came by and shared that she was trans but no one here knew this! Many women came by, invited me to lunch and told me it was so much easier to talk with me than it used to be.
It was a large campus and not everyone went to the trainings, so there were a few awkward/funny moments as time went on but, overall, my transition at work was a great experience and I had many teaching moments.
JB: I'm so glad. It most certainly didn't have to go so well and all workplaces are not as supportive. How does the recent Supreme Court decision supporting same sex marriage play into all this or doesn't it?
GAS: The SCOTUS decision, although not related to transgender rights or even an inkling about gender identity and expression, is of major importance to the idea of just letting people be who they are and let them live and love whoever they want, with all the rights and blessings of the government which, we learned as youngsters, is instituted of, for and by the people.
What is much more important is all the great work being done in the present administration supporting trans rights and removing any restrictions on transgender health services from insurance coverages for federal agencies and suppliers. This is the work of many great organizations that is culminating in saving the lives of many people. There is hope for many who have been hopeless for so long.
JB: That is important. I wasn't aware of that. Your book is out now. What kind of feedback are you getting?
GAS: The feedback on my book has been wonderful. I was not certain whether the framework of telling my story from the voices of the little girl and little boy that have always been inside me would resonate with people, but it appears to have done so both inside and outside of the trans community. Since I also jumped between my personal story and what I learned along the way, it is very different than and something more than most memoirs.
Within the trans community, feedback has been that I have articulated some feelings that people did not know how to explain. Also, numerous people have bought multiple copies to give to their friends and even therapists to help explain what that are feeling. This is amazing and so fulfilling. Outside the trans community, I have received much feedback that my journey to return to school at age 58 has inspired people that it is never too late to reinvent yourself.
Getting this feedback is like being in a great and wonderful dream....I keep pinching myself to see if I am awake!
JB: Lovely. What haven't we talked about yet?
GAS: My journey for so many decades was ruled by confusion, shame and fear. I have been blessed and lucky all through my life, although not without the daily challenges of life and relationships, both good and bad.
It was not easy to come to terms and understanding the confusion of feeling I was not really a man, but once I reached self acceptance and was able to let go of the shame and fear, I found that I was able to open up so much to myself, my feelings and those of others, in a way I could not before.
I learned so much from my kids that thinking we needed to be a certain way for other people holds all of us back from really living our true lives, and if and when we finally do live our truth, most people do not look at it as being selfish, but surprisingly, look at it as being courageous! I hope to inspire everyone to live with this courage!
JB: Thanks so much for talking with me, Grace. It was fun and I learned a lot along the way.
GAS: My pleasure, Thanks so much.
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Grace's website
VSTV interview 5.20.2015
Grace's book
Thanks to Sally Castleman for sharing Grace's book with me.
Joan Brunwasser is a co-founder of Citizens for Election Reform (CER) which since 2005 existed for the sole purpose of raising the public awareness of the critical need for election reform. Our goal: to restore fair, accurate, transparent, secure elections where votes are cast in private and counted in public. Because the problems with electronic (computerized) voting systems include a lack of transparency and the ability to accurately check and authenticate the vote cast, these systems can alter election results and therefore are simply antithetical to democratic principles and functioning.
Since the pivotal 2004 Presidential election, Joan has come to see the connection between a broken election system, a dysfunctional, corporate media and a total lack of campaign finance reform. This has led her to enlarge the parameters of her writing to include interviews with whistle-blowers and articulate others who give a view quite different from that presented by the mainstream media. She also turns the spotlight on activists and ordinary folks who are striving to make a difference, to clean up and improve their corner of the world. By focusing on these intrepid individuals, she gives hope and inspiration to those who might otherwise be turned off and alienated. She also interviews people in the arts in all their variations - authors, journalists, filmmakers, actors, playwrights, and artists. Why? The bottom line: without art and inspiration, we lose one of the best parts of ourselves. And we're all in this together. If Joan can keep even one of her fellow citizens going another day, she considers her job well done.
When Joan hit one million page views, OEN Managing Editor, Meryl Ann Butler interviewed her, turning interviewer briefly into interviewee. Read the interview here.