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December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas Duck Hunters

By Kevin Tully

Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty dude, is a duck-call maker and outdoorsman, he's not a prophet, leader, or philosopher. Although it does appear that he has an interest in gynecology or porn -- it's hard from what he's said to make a distinction. He has every right to speak his mind.


portrait of an old duck hunter with his shotgun and catch
(Image by Historical Indulgencies)
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portrait of an old duck hunter with his shotgun and catch by Historical Indulgencies

Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty dude, is a duck-call maker and outdoorsman: he's not a prophet, leader, or philosopher.   Although it does appear that he has an interest in gynecology or porn -- it's hard from what he's said to make a distinction.   He has every right to speak his mind.  

I've been duck hunting.   I've tried to use a duck call.   I've never been duck hunting or tried to use a duck call with a homosexual in the blind with me.   However, I have broken concrete and driven nails with a homosexual breaking concrete and driving nails next to me.   I never worried about why he didn't like vaginas.   He possibly worried about why I liked 'em -- he never said anything though.  

Once, I dug deep holes in hard caliche earth and planted big trees with a homosexual helping me.   We never talked about my sexual escapades.   But boy he sure liked to talk about his.   Yes, it did make me uncomfortable.   I was much more uncomfortable when my homosexual tree-planting helper died of AIDS.   Have you ever seen a man that loves another man cry?   Interestingly, it strikes at your heart in the same way watching a grief-stricken loving husband cry for his departed wife.   True love is evidently a failed liberal conceit.   I'm really confused about this.  

Conservatives or whatever they want to call themselves (Duck Hunters?) apparently have rules about how all of this works.   I sure wish that I would have had a Duck Hunter (other than the ones I hunted with of course, well, that was back before Duck Hunters had figured out all this love stuff I guess) minister to and advise me on matters of love and attraction -- it sure would have uncomplicated a very complicated time in my young life -- driven by "true love" and, what they now call, hookin' up.   Come to think about it, although all my buddies were heterosexual, a lot of 'em sure could have also used advice from the Duck Hunters with all the divorces, extramarital affairs, bastard children, and venereal disease.   Sometimes love is not really true love.   This is unfortunate.   If Duck Hunters think they can alleviate some of this suffering -- more power to 'em.  

Mr. Robertson and his clan should absolutely keep on doing what they're doing.   I grew up in the sixties and seventies, nourished on the counter-culture escapades of Frank Zappa, Monte Python, Robert Crumb, Richard Pryor, et al., and a lot of what was promulgated by these folks was offensive to certain groups.   They all talked a lot about love too and it would have been a damn shame to shut them down back then.  

Yes, certainly, I'm absolutely for Phil Robertson's right to speak his mind.   I just hope for his sake that he doesn't get stuck in a remote duck blind with a duck huntin', hammer swingin', hole diggin' homosexual because, instead of kickin' his duck-huntin' ass, he may teach him something about what it means to love and then if Phil subsequently started promoting the universality of love on his program -- he would most certainly get canned.  Nobody wants to watch a redneck duck hunter talk about love.  

So, Merry Christmas to all you Duck Hunters out there.  Hope the season finds you in love and loved.      

Submitters Website: https://www.facebook.com/Bocaditos-472595719462409/

Submitters Bio:

Kevin is (writing about yourself in the third person (illeism) is a trip) an artist/writer/carpenter and frustrated songwriter living in Johnson City, Texas. His latest frustrating songwriting attempt is titled, "I Touched the Hand That Touched the Hand That Willie Touched", it, according to Kevin, is about falling in love for all the wrong reasons. Kevin is also a closet subversive. He claims he'll come out of the closet as soon as handguns are no longer popular. Kevin is a loud, obnoxious Texan and hopes that this will be held against him -- "It makes life so much harder and interesting when traveling outside of the Lone Star State." Kevin used to be a Golf columnist. He says life as a Golf columnist is not a whole lot different than life not as a Golf columnist. Kevin is sure that Jesus was indeed a Socialist. Kevin founded a short-lived organization, "FOXNO", with a mandate to get Fox News off the air. It got very little traction and as a result, over the ensuing years, Fox has propagandized a very significant portion of American television viewers, which, if unchecked, could destroy this country and the world. Kevin's Father thought Kevin was prone to hyperbole. Kevin wishes everyone would read "A Pilgrim At Tinker Creek", "In Watermelon Sugar" and all the poetry of Carl Sandberg. Kevin once, when drunk, argued, "America is not a city on a hill" for two hours, because "America is not a city, it's a rather large landmass that used to belong to Indians and porcupines!" Kevin once yelled out at a "Chicago' concert, "Steinbeck is God!" Kevin does not suffer fools or assh**es, usually. In 1969 he had a neighbor that was an assh**le who, although an assh**le, was enchanted with the Space Program and the prospect of man walking on the moon. Kevin and his best friend, Tommy, tied thread around a pinecone and at the designated hour, threw the pinecone over the neighbor's television antennae and shook it like hell -- the assh**le neighbor missed Neil Armstrong's walk on the moon. Kevin says that every time he watched Michael Jackson moonwalk he would be reminded of his assh**le neighbor and he would laugh like hell. Most folks that know Kevin would say that he hasn't changed. Kevin Lives in President Lyndon Johnson's hometown. Kevin, along with a few others, is trying to expose Lyndon Johnson for his equivocated humanity and possible good intentions. Kevin is pondering a short story about power and its surprises titled, "Kings Can Dance." When asked about current politics Kevin simply answers, "Trump is a turd." Kevin would like for me to express his gratitude to you for taking the time to read the above stuff and to say, "good be on you."