Some of us don't know that we are getting older. Here are a few clues to guide one through the Golden Shower years as you slowly evaporate at the Jesse Helm's Retirement Home for Befuddled Re-Puritans and Calcified Conservative. Have fun, and, please add your observations in the comment section.

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(Article changed on November 10, 2013 at 14:52)

You know you're old when the term "Traitor" didn't mean Republicans that voted to raise the debt ceiling, voted for Obama Care, and/or voted to keep the government running.

You know you are old when the word "Traitor" was not a pejorative for a Republican that voted their conscience instead of the party line.

You know you're old when "Patriot" described someone that served in the Armed Forces and not to describe  a flag wrapped Tea Republicans that once attended a "Tea Rally In The Alley," with a loaded AKR.

You know you're old when "McCarthyism" was something politicians didn't want to be called and not used as a Tea Re-Puritans Merit Badge.

You know you're old when the phrase, "The Ape in the White House" was a phrase for Abe Lincoln and not the phrase used by Tea Republicans to disparage the current president.

You know you are old when you holler, "DEPENDS" instead of "Bingo"!

You know you're old when you stick your arm out the car window to give someone the "good old one finger salute", and your arm turns to dust.

You know you're old when you talk about "getting some p*ssy" and you're referring to your cat.

You know you're old when you have to leave yourself a note to take your memory medicine and you can't find either.

You know you're old when one of your eyes falls out and roll across the floor and you don't miss it.

You know you're old when asked, "who's the president ?", and you respond, "James Buchanan?"

You know you're old when friends in need asks, "Where's your dope?" and, you point to your son.

You know your old when the only hair on your head is in the brush.

You know your old when you mistress invite you to "sleep over" and you really are looking forward to getting some sleep.

You know you are terminal when some nimrod suggest putting Dick Cheney's snarling face on a wrinkled $20.00 bill and removing Andrew Jackson's because Jackson is now a suspected Socialist; he was "President of the People", and, not "President of the "Lobbyists".

What signs do you see as you make the transition through life from "fun" to "grump" to "gloom"? Please, share them with us, then, check your death benefits, change your will to leave your estate of one large, prized tomato to your neighbors wife, just for fun, and finally, finalized your death plans by insisting that your cemetery plot be close to a trash can.

"Ah, the Golden Years;" the only thing "golden" about them is the metal in your teeth.

Authors Website: http://EatThePressDontReadIt@newsvine.com

Authors Bio:

I am a part time idiot and a full time moron. As publisher of EAT THE PRESS - Don't Read It, I promote illiteracy as a Constitutional Right guaranteed by the Constitution and the Holy Bible. It's in the bible, somewhere. The content of EAT THE PRESS is worthless, the value is in the nutrients in the pulp in the paper when one Eats It. Eat It, Eat It - Don't Beat it.

As a satirical writer, I composed material for Richard Pryor, Paul Moony, Pat Paulsen, Laugh-In and a slew of dysfunctional comedy teams that are currently in prison.

I never knew my mother - she died at childbirth, her own.
My father died at the tender age of 9; he was a precociously little bugger.
I was raised by my weirdo Uncle, "touch me". Every mourning "Touch Me", would kick me up the stairs, then down the stairs. One morning, I decided to do something about it - I tore out the stairs. But, that didn't stop, "Touch Me", what stopped him was falling into the whole where the stairs used to be.