Driving home the other day I heard the Dennis Prager Show. As a conservative Republican he's not my usual radio show pick (although I try to at least sample all political points of view). 

But I agreed with what he said, mostly (see below for where he lost me).

Dennis discussed how men tend to view women's attractiveness. He offered some surprising insights including that men are far less critical of how their wife or girlfriend looks than women realize, assuming we at least try to look decent.  

The effort alone counts. 

But unfortunately (and erroneously) women think we have to try to measure up to Charlize Theron, Angelina, or Cindy Crawford, or even lesser beauties to compete for our mate's attention. (I can't imagine where we'd get such a crazy paranoid notion except for the daily delivery of gorgeous models plastered on every media platform across every continent.)

Those sexy supermodels, Dennis reminds us, are often waif thin with a boyish body. Flat-chested and not much curve. Men like curves. Supermodels are mostly boys with boobs, he points out. 

Men are highly visual, hard-wired to notice women.  (I'd argue women are hard-wired to notice certain male attributes. Mention Matthew McConaughey or Bradley Cooper and watch the smile creep across her face.)

Playboy knows men are visual addicts. Beer companies know men are visual addicts. If men get even a hint of a girl part their sensors go off.  

NOTICE NOTICE!!

At my age (47) I'm less defensive about male sexual impulse than when I was younger and thought all men were pre-programmed for one-track thinking. Today my response to men's visual sexual radar?

Eh, so what (until my daughter dates then my boys-sex sensitivity will resurface with certifiable intensity). 

I agree with one of Dennis's callers who said she'd be concerned if her husband wasn't looking at pretty women. Noticing is natural (for women as well). Staring, however, is demeaning to the woman and disrespectful to the wife (or husband). 

Dennis said something I already sensed in my own home--men want their partners to look good but they don't expect supermodel perfection. The airbrushed babe is just fun fantasy, not home front expectation.  Men just want us to strive for our personal best (time, kids and energy willing). Men just want us to care enough about our appearance to convey:

I care about my appearance because I like looking  good for me and for you.

Wanting to look nice for your mate is an aphrodisiac in and of itself. But men don't expect us to look like the Victoria Secret line-up. In fact, Dennis says, women are more critical of men's appearance than men are of women's appearance.

My first thought given the mounds of visual T and A around for men to slurp up? This is hard to believe. Men must be comparing their wives to the magazine models. They must.  But my scientific sample of one (me) concludes that Dennis is right.

I'm harder on my husband's overall dress and appearance than he is on me. In fact, he was more accepting (aka quiet) than I might diplomatically have been years back when I gained ten pounds after I lost my job. Boredom and the blues packed on pounds.

That being said, however, he knows I work out six days a week, eat well, take supplements, and generally (but not obsessively) care about my appearance.

Call it vanity, aging, narcissism, genuine self-care. But the fact is my husband doesn't have to gently nudge me to care about my appearance. I nudge myself.  

So, is he more forgiving when my appearance drags? 

Likely--yes.

And here goes my other shallow confession. I loathe enormous big male bellies. My husband doesn't have one, but if he did, I'd likely hint that it's sort of, well, not my favorite and well, in the way.  

I'd never expect 6-pack abs. Please, I'm lucky if I can manage to sculpt a one-pack on myself. But billowing bellies are a major turn-off for me.  So is bad hygiene, crooked teeth, and hair sprouting from new places. 

We're not supposed to admit our superficial sides as we age. The lines are supposed to be earned notches that reveal character over loose collagen. Sure, we're vain-ish about our wrinkles and grays but we're supposed to be closer to self-actualizing them away with acceptance (sensing what really mattered all along before we die).

Ha.

I could tell you superficial exteriors shouldn't matter in the calculus of deep bonds, that intelligence, sense of humor, loving kindness, open-mindedness, involved fathering, financial stability, seeing us at our worst and best (both when the baby came out), will trump a billowing belly every time.

And yes, over the long haul and in the lasting meaningful parts of our relationship, big bellies don't matter an ounce. But for me a big belly would get in the way of seeing my husband as attractive.  For others, maybe not so much.

Go ahead. Throw juicy tomatoes at my head.  I understand. I'll wipe off the seeds and still feel the same way.  

Somewhere into Dennis's discussion he said a couple things that bothered me. These points are where we probably part ways on family dynamics, at least as far as our social, moral, and even biological gender imperatives are concerned.

He said it's a man's moral obligation to provide while it's a woman's moral obligation to keep herself up (the gist).

Did I get this right?  If I didn't, I apologize. If I did....

Oh Dennis, you lost me with that dated manifesto about gender roles. 

It's a moral obligation for a couple to mutually decide what's important to them.  The moral imperative that a woman keep herself up while the man lets his appearance go as long as he brings home the bucks is laughable at best. 

Women who tacitly agree to this exist, but those women aren't me. 

Women bear the babies and breastfeed. Where couples go from the biological imperative to reproduce is up to them.  This might mean if Mom has the larger salary-benefit package she works while Dad stays at home with the kids. Perhaps they both work and the kids are in quality childcare.  Or Mom stays at home while Dad works or they have a work-child care split. Whatever dynamic makes a secure, happy family -- works.  

In 2013 the pre-measured gender blueprint for a solid family foundation is gone. The underlying principles for family's sticking together are timeless, however (love, family time, commitment, mutual respect, communication, forgiveness, patience, financial stability). 

A woman called Dennis's show who, like me, agreed with many of his points except one. Sure, she said, many women are attracted to male wealth, power, and confidence along with (hopefully) a great personality, but male appearance ranks way up there for her as well, and for most women she knows.

Dennis says, is that so? Well then how come you see all these young gorgeous women with much older men?

Come on, Dennis. You have to ask?

You think that sort of pair-up is biologically pre-programmed? Spreading his seed to the most viable baby-maker (young women) and her Daddy complex aside, that match-up is culturally programmed by what some girls think they're good for: to put out to get paid. 

You can't tell me a gorgeous twenty-something with an overweight unattractive fifty-something with a horrible personality loses her power of sexy perception when the big wallet shows up?

The man isn't instantly attractive in her eyes. His wallet is attractive.  She isn't kidding herself. He doesn't suddenly look sexy. The lifestyle looks sexy. She closes her eyes and breathes through the parts of the relationship she finds disdainful. When she opens her eyes, Prada appears by her bedside with a little note insisting she wear something sexy later on. 

I see this as a form of legal prostitution. It's an implicit understanding, a contract if you will, and if it's voluntary have at it (not with my daughter). 

Attractiveness is, however, complex, no doubt about it. 

Attractiveness is the sum of multiple moving and subjective parts including kindness, intelligence, humor, open-mindedness, respect, and patience. Don't get me wrong, financial strength absolutely counts in my personal male-o-meter but money won't suddenly make a hairy wart in the middle of a man's forehead look like a sexy wisdom wrinkle or make it okay to dismiss my ambitions or opinions.

A ten-carat diamond tennis bracelet can't cover the mental damages of destroyed self respect. You live with the skin of self-respect, you take off a diamond bracelet. 

Back in 1996 my husband and I traveled to France for our pre-baby trip.  We toured several cities including St. Tropez.  One night we decided to take a peek inside a chic nightclub once known as a favorite spot by Brigit Bardot and her posse. After we recovered from sticker shock we sat back for a night of fascinating French Riviera people watching. 

In the center of the crowded disco-light-spattered dance floor was an older relatively overweight and rather unattractive man, sixty-something and beaming. He was surrounded by beautiful young girls no older than 18 or 19 dressed in the equivalent of dressy band aids.  

I'm hardly naive. Nor am I a prude about the reality of implied possible romping (rich men paying for young girls to enjoy a night out in great hope (but not insistence) of a high bedroom return for his high credit-card investment).

But, I had the gag reflex after seeing the enormous generational gap (grandfathers flirting with granddaughters so to speak) and the exchange of "powers." Pretend flirting, possible sex in exchange for champagne and a Louis Vitton bag the next day. Ew.

If the wallet is mightier than the self-esteem for some women, fine. But let's not place a biological imperative on men and women; let's not assume our roles are run by auto-pilot thanks to evolution. Women and men switch roles and expectations all the time today, which implies choice.

Rich women with young studs, aka "Cougars." Fathers happily at home. Women CEOs. Women who choose child-free.   Sure, men and women have evolutionary primitive impulses (try not breathing a mile a minute when a car near misses yours) but we also have manual control.  We have mental overrides that trump societal expectations for how women and men should feel, for what we should do. 

The fat wallet can't negate the physical and emotional less-attractive qualities in a man no matter how rich he is, at least for me. Neither will (emotionally mature) men tolerate the ditsy, easy bombshell who's idea of conversation is to count how many cherries her Appletini will hold before she takes him home to show him her Hello Kitty bedroom (okay, maybe for one night he'll pretend he cares that the glass held twelve Maraschino's).  

What's good for the guy is now good for the not-so-good girl. 

The double standard disappearing is a tough pill to swallow for traditionalists but an absolutely inevitable reality.  And as Dennis says, I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear I'm going to tell you the truth.  

Further reading: What women want