Our illustrious governor and not ready for primetime former Presidential candidate declared the Be an a**hole to Pregnant Women Bill an emergency despite Texas being in the midst of a several billion dollar shortfall. I think that any governor who would push for women to be raped by a transvaginal ultrasound wand because they wanted to have an abortion should have something done to him.

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I've been steamed for quite awhile about the just plain mean move by our Texas legislators to force women who want to have an abortion to see a sonogram of the fetus, listen to its heartbeat, and give all their spare change to the Rick Perry Rent-a-Mansion Fund.

Well, the last part is made up, but not by much. Our illustrious governor and not-ready-for-primetime former Presidential candidate declared this Be-a-Jerk-to-Pregnant-Women Bill an emergency despite Texas being in the midst of a several billion dollar shortfall. I wonder what a comedy troupe like Monty Python could do with this blatant example of government fiat and idiocy . . .

"You can have an abortion if you jump ten steps backward while saying yahoo, yahoo, Texas," declares the Head of the Implementation of Asinine Laws.

"I don't feel like it," says our damsel in distress.

"Well, you should have thought about that before you engaged in sexual congress, you sluttish trollop," answers the head job.

"Why doesn't the guy who got me in this condition have to do anything?" the woman reasonably asks.

"Oh, that's silly," the assistant to the head of the implementation of stupid laws, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a young Eric Idle, says, "he's not the one wanting an abortion, is he now, huh, huh, huh?"

Seeing that there is no arguing, the poor woman finally relents, "Oh, okay, I'll do it."

" Wait," the Eric Idle look-alike says, "between each yahoo say "Obama was born in Kenya.'"

" Really?" the woman asks.

" Really," he says, "and do it with enthusiasm."

Then the woman begins to jump backwards, while saying with as much enthusiasm as she can muster, "Yahoo, yahoo, Texas. Obama was born in Kenya."

After she goes five steps back, the head job squeals, "You didn't say "Mother may I.' You have to start all over again."

But there's another way to see this abomination of the legislative process. As my grandmother used to say, what's good for the goose is also good for the gander, or was it a rolling stone gathers no moss. I don't know. Anyway, turnabout is fair play. If and when Texans return to sanity and stop sending Know Nothings, birthers, and assorted wing-nuts to Austin, sane people could be in control, and they could do unto the self-righteous rednecks as they have done to us.

For example, if a governor pushes for billions of dollars to be cut from education, he would have to teach for one week in an inner city middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL, BWA, HA, HA, HA! Yes, teach forty middle school kids in the midst of hormonal tsunamis all crowded into one small classroom without air conditioning. Oh, especially after lunch. And he'd have to be videotaped, and get no help from assistants or any "non-essential" school employees and no security detail. I bet he wouldn't last a day.

But why stop there? Any governor who would cut Medicaid would have to spend a week at a public hospital emptying bed pans and taking blood pressure, holding the hands of those who were dying and comforting the grieving loved ones. Then he'd have to look in the eyes of a mother whose child will die without medical care and tell that mother, "Sorry, we can afford to help the super rich, but we can't help your son."

Or how about any governor who'd allow industry to spew more pollution into our already foul air would have to spend a week camping next to the smelliest refinery in Pasadena (or, as we called it growing up, Stinkadena) with his own children by his side. And when his kids are hacking away with asthma, maybe, just maybe, he'll finally get it and understand why pollution controls are important.

Or, yes, any governor who would cut taxes on businesses and the rich just to get more campaign contributions would have to spend the holidays with those people whose services would be cut or jobs would be eliminated because of his corruption.

And finally, any governor who would push for women to be raped by a transvaginal ultrasound wand because they wanted to have an abortion would have to himself go to Planned Parenthood, take off his clothes, bend over, and be stuck in another orifice with a ten-inch wand. That'll teach him!

So like Slim Pickens, riding a bucking bomb, I say, "Yahoo! to asinine laws, just ours, not theirs."

Authors Website: http://kwheatcroft.blogspot.com/

Authors Bio:

I blog at "Left-Wing Tex" from beautiful Fort Worth, Texas. Here I am a retired English-as-a-Second Language teacher.
I have had poems published in a number of venues, including California Quarterly, Borderlands, The Texas Observer, redriverreview.com, Illya's Honey, Oakbend Review, and two anthologies of Texas poetry. Besides that, my essays have appeared in The Texas Observer, San Antonio Express-News, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Dallas Peace Times,Still Crazy and Fort Worth Weekly. Finally, stories of mine have been published in Lynx Eye, Hardboiled, and the on-line literary journals: Verdad, Scrivener's Pen, SouthLit.com, Amarillo Bay, and The Write Room. My story, Fire in Galveston was one of four runner-ups for the 2013 Texas Observer Short Story Contest.