Help kids resolve minor disputes over toys and space without playing judge or jury.

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My two kids, now ages 3 and 8, seem to have lots of minor conflicts. They argue in the backseat of the car because one of them wants "quiet time" while the other wants to sing or tell me about their day. They argue about the seating arrangement for dinner (who gets the special wooden chair, who gets to sit next to which parent). They argue about one being in the other's physical space ("Stop touching me!") and over toys and markers ("I was using that first!")

Over the years, I have handled these disputes using a combination of different strategies, including "letting them work it out", "teaching them effective communication skills (ha!)", "separating them", "giving each of them empathy," "mediating," "refereeing", "problem-solving" and "punishing."

None of these have been as effective, efficient, and satisfying to me (or to them!) as the method described below, which I have freely adopted from Dominic Barter's Restorative Circles model (and lovingly named "micro-circles").

What I love about the micro-circle method is that:

(a) it is fast and immediate (usually 6-10 minutes)

(b) it does not require me to be "centered", patient, understanding, creative, impartial, fair, or empathic (in that moment)

(c) it is incredibly empowering for the kids (it takes me out of the judge and jury role, allowing the kids to hear each other and create their own solutions, which have been surprisingly quirky, brilliant, and seemingly satisfying to them)

(d) it seems to restore harmony between the kids rather than leaving one or more of them feeling resentful or revengeful

One final caveat is that I have NOT found the method to be effective when the main issue at hand is that one or more parties needs a snack or nap - or the whole lot of them needs a major change of activities (from indoor quiet time to running outside).

THE 3 STEPS OF A MICRO-CIRCLE

1. CREATE A SPACE

Take a deep calming breath and interrupt the dispute as early as possible in its cycle, if you believe it is escalating. Create a physical or emotional space between them, if needed.

2. MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING

For this phase, you have the children take turns sharing something they want the other child to know while the other child REFLECTS their understanding of the message.

Your tools for this phase are simply:

"What do you want X to know?" "What do you hear Y saying?" "Is that it?"

Then, same exact questions with previous speaker listening and previous listener speaking. If the first invited listener says they don't want to reflect, no problem. Ask them to speak and the other to reflect. After they feel heard, they are likely to be more able to listen.

3. ACTION PLAN

Once both children have said they feel understood, you get THEM to problem solve while you sit back and enjoy.

Your tools for this phase are simply:

"Does anyone have any ideas for how to solve this issue?" "Does that work for you?"

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To demonstrate how this may look in real life, below are two transcripts of actual micro-circles I recently facilitated. As you will see, the kids don't have to be siblings - but it helps if they (and their care-takers) know you and trust you.

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EXAMPLE ONE: CAMPING TRIP (Aaron: 8; Rachel: 3 1/2; Zach: 6 1/2)

Rachel: "Mom! Aaron and Kaleb won't let me play with them!"

Me: "Aaron, can you come here please? Thank you. Rachel, what do you want your brother to know?"

Rachel: "I want to play with you guys!!"

Me: "Aaron, what do you hear your sister saying?"

Aaron, rolling his eyes, his voice sounding annoyed, "She wants to play with us. But..."

Me, interrupting gently: "Hold on, just a minute. Rachel, is that it? Is that what you want your brother to know?"

Rachel: "Yes!" [this completes one round - now we go to other child]

Me: "Ok, Aaron, what do you want your sister to know?"

Aaron: "I don't want her to play with us right now. I want some privacy. Not privacy, but like, Zach and I have not had a chance to play by ourselves all day. I just want some time with him."

Me: "Rachel, what do you hear your brother saying?"

Rachel, sounding quite sulky and unhappy: "He wants privacy. He wants to play with Zach alone."

Me: "Aaron, is that it?"

Aaron: "Yes." [this completes round 2 - now we go to first child]

Me: "Rachel, is there anything else you want your brother to know?"

Rachel: "No."

Me: "Aaron, is there anything else you want Rachel to know?"

Aaron: "No." [this completes Mutual Understanding. Now go to Action Plan.]

Me: "Ok, Thank you. Now, does anyone have any ideas for how to solve this issue?"

Rachel: "NO."

Aaron: "Well, she can play with us if she doesn't ask any questions. About the game or like what we're doing."

Me, feeling rather astounded, which is how I usually feel at this phase: "Rachel, your brother says its ok to play with him and Zach if you don't ask any questions about the game. Does that work for you?"

Rachel, sounding quite satisfied: "Yes."

Me: "Ok great. Thank you guys."

The 3 kids then proceed to play successfully together for about an hour. Aaron later reported that it worked out "ok" and that Rachel only asked one small question.

EXAMPLE TWO: LEGOS (Rachel: 3 1/2; Isaiah: 3 1/2)

We are at Isaiah's house and he has never participated in this process or observed it before.

Rachel: "Give me some! I want some!"

Isaiah: "No! Stop that!"

Isaiah's mom: "Hey guys. There is no need to fight. There are plenty of legos."

She gets up and gets a different container of legos and gives the new container to Rachel.

Rachel: "No! I want THOSE legos!"

Isaiah's mom: "Isaiah, can you share some of your legos with Rachel? Or take some of the ones from this box?"

Isaiah: "No! I want these. I was using them!"

Rachel is starting to screw up her face for some crying.

Me, coming over tentatively: "Do you mind if I try something different?"

Isaiah's mom: "No, go ahead."

Me: "Guys, guys. Hold on a second. I want to try something to help...

[after getting their attention and a pause in the noise] Rachel, what would you like Isaiah to know?"

Rachel: "I want to play with his legos! In that box!"

Me: "Isaiah, what do you hear Rachel saying?"

Isaiah: "Stupid doo doo!"

Me: "Rachel, is that it? Is that what you want Isaiah to know?"

Rachel, mildly amused: "No. I want his legos."

Me: "Isaiah, what do you hear Rachel saying now?"

Isaiah "She wants the legos. And all that blah blah blah stuff I don't want to hear."

Me: "Rachel, is that it?"

Rachel: "Yes." [this completes the first round; now we go to other child]

Me: "Ok, Isaiah, what would you like Rachel to know?"

Isaiah: "I don't want her to have the legos. I am USING them."

Me: "Rachel, what do you hear Isaiah saying?"

Rachel, sadly, "He doesn't want to share."

Me: "Isaiah, is that it? Is that what you want Rachel to know?"

Isaiah: "YEAH!" [this completes the second round; now we go to other child]

Me: "Rachel, is there anything else you want Isaiah to know?"

Rachel: "I am FRUSTRATED and ANGRY."

Me: "Isaiah, what do you hear Rachel saying?"

Isaiah: "She is frustrated and blah blah."

Me: "Rachel, is that it?"

Rachel: "Yes." [this completes third round; now we go to other child]

[After both children say they have nothing else to share, we go to Action Plan]

Me: "Thank you both. Now, does anyone have any ideas about how to solve this issue?"

Rachel: "NO."

Isaiah: "Yeah. Take that fish tank and spill it out and FLOOD this floor!"

Me: "Rachel, does that work for you? Will flooding the floor help solve this issue for you?"

Rachel, smiling a bit, "Nooo." [incidentally, the ideas need to work for EVERYONE, so anyone can jump in and say that a certain idea does not work, including the moms! Also, at times, other kids who have been listening will jump in with ideas. I simply take these and ask "does that work for everyone?"]

Me: "Ok, does anyone have any other ideas to help solve this issue?"

Isaiah, without speaking, takes the lego structure he was building, breaks it in half, gives one half to Rachel, reaches into her box and takes a bunch of legos out of that box for himself, and sits down looking satisfied. Rachel looks very happy too.

Me, astounded as usual: "Ok. Does this work for everyone?"

Both kids: "Yes."

The kids then seem to experience a complete shift in how they were interacting with each other. They begin to play together, sharing legos back and forth. At one point, Rachel scoots over to Isaiah and pets his hair. They play happily like this for another 20 minutes.

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What happens if it does not work?

Although this simple framework is effective the majority of the time, sometimes kids are done playing together, need a nap, a snack, or a complete change of scenery. Sometimes one child still has something they have not been heard about, and you can try another round of Mutual Understanding. Or not.

If things are not working or escalating, you can always go back to your other tried and true strategies - ideally not finding "fault" with anyone but simply moving on.

Chances are, it will work better next time.

Kids are quick to figure out that this way is more satisfying and more empowering for everyone!

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

To receive announcements about future Peacemeal posts, follow Elaine on Twitter: http://twitter.com/eshpu

Read another Psychology Today blog post about Restorative Circles by Mikhail Lyubansky or by me (The Most Important Thing to Know About Conflict).

Learn how to facilitate deeper, painful conflict using the Restorative Circles process. Barter's last training in North America this year will be in Atlanta from October 28-31, 2010, with a one day overview on October 28 and a three day Restorative Circle facilitator training from October 29-31. I'd love to see you there!

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Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. enjoys writing about her "peacemeal" attempts to create harmony one choice at a time. At the moment, she is a student of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Restorative Circles (RC), a budding writer, a humbled parent, a work-in-progress romantic partner, and a director of a psychology training clinic for doctoral students in Clinical/Community Psychology.

Copyright Elaine Shpungin 2010

Authors Website: http://www.ImproveCommunication.net

Authors Bio:
Elaine Shpungin, Ph.D. is a student and practitioner of Non Violent Communication (NVC) and Restorative Circles (RC).



She is currently exploring restorative and non-violent approaches to conflict and ways to meaningfully share power in family, organizational and community systems.



You can read her essays and stories about these experiments with conflict, love and connection at ImproveCommunication.net and TalkingToStrangers.me