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Karl Rove Syndrome: A Search for the Cure

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Message Missy Beattie
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Conservatives were jubilant after learning that puppeteer Karl Rove is free to operate not just the president but Congress as well. Despite Rove's manipulations, resulting in countless disasters, including the president's low approval rating, Karl can always whip most of the Dems into shape.

It's obvious that the oppositional party which has almost merged with the positional party must develop a cure for KRS (Karl Rove Syndrome) now that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has closed his eyes to Karl's delinquencies.

What can Progressive Democrats do to stop the spread of KRS that brings fear and self-doubt into the hearts and minds of people who, prior to 9/11, often displayed courage or at least convinced us they did?

The answer lies in a thorough examination of Rove himself""a physical, if you will""a history of activities, illnesses, interests, passions, a peek into every area of his life to see exactly what makes him function so efficiently in shutting down the Democratic Party and turning all but the strongest into yellow Jello.

This requires a good investigator with medical researcher zeal, demanding scrutiny, ever present on Rove's heels to garner information about his preferences""the nitty-gritty of Karl's life. From his style and brand of underwear, whether he likes dark or milk chocolate, if he's indicated an interest in a toupee, to his preferred sex position and fantasies (do they involve Cruella D'Coulter?), all must be put under the microscope. Fine points must be vetted. Does he sleeps in the nude on a twin-size, double, queen, king mattress or a bed of nails? Does he drink, medicate, take vitamins, consider exercising, and wish he looked presidential? Speeding tickets? Has he ever used Compound W or seen a dermatologist for a skin condition? A shrink? He looks like he'd have halitosis. Does he? Does he own a firearm? Has he ever used a firearm? Spank his children? Spank his wife? Killed or tortured a pet or neighbor's pet? Killed a neighbor? Boy Scout? Eagle Scout? Member of Big Brother? Has he ever eaten a baby?

Essentially, we have to determine exactly what species this man-like animal is.

Sometimes, it is said that a cure can be as bad as the disease for which it was developed. In the case of KRS, that's likely. We could initiate a clinical trial to evaluate alternate antidotes for this disorder. Of course, KRS would probably mutate to a resistant strain and continue the infection of infusing fear and invading all areas of our lives.
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Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She's written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she's a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a (more...)
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