(Washington , DC) With the Office of the Vice President coming under increasing scrutiny, Dick Cheney has retreated to a secured chambers on the third floor of the Naval Observatory with a team of lawyers, numbering, in some reports, to be as high as sixty. Over the past twenty-four hours the OVP has released a flurry of statements and legal briefs, some lucid, some hastily drafted and bordering on incoherent, which have caused observers to speculate that the Vice President may nearing resignation, coup 'detat, or some other form of extra-constitutional action never before seen in the history of the republic. Excerpts follow:
June 26, 9:31pm: Cheney's pacemaker and artificial heart valves entitle him to depreciate himself on his Federal tax returns.
June 26, 2:31pm: Vice Presidential records cannot be unsealed without "presidential finding."
June 26, 2:40pm: The Office of the Vice President my hide "presidential findings."
June 26, 3:55pm: Vice Presidential documents cannot be photocopied because they are legal tender.
June 26, 5:18pm: Because Cheney lives in the Naval Observatory, he is the Admiral of the Navy
June 26, 5:21pm: If it is determined that Vice Presidential records can be opened, they may be viewed only by the Attorney General, who must commit them to memory.
June 26, 6:01am: Dick Cheney is a sovereign nation.
June 26, 6:02pm: Neither Cheney or his records are subject to extradition to the United States
June 26, 6:55pm: Cheney is not subject to the Taft-Hartley act.
June 26, 7:10pm: The Vice President cannot be tried in any court of law except the Supreme Court, and then only by the justices he likes.
June 26, 7:25pm: The Vice President may not be interrogated by anyone except Sean Hannity.
June 26, 9:30pm: Cheney's records are not subject to congressional oversight because he is "half machine."
June 26, 10:01pm: The Vice President is the Commander of the Department of Motor Vehicles and can commandeer private vehicles.
June 26, 11:00pm: While in office, Vice President Cheney is entitled to cheesecake and pastrami sandwiches whenever he deems appropriate, including, but not limited to, right now.