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I Was Thinking About Becoming A Republican...

By       Message David Michael Green     Permalink
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I was thinking about becoming a Republican the other day.

No, really, I was! Ya know, the money’s good. And you don’t have to share. And you don’t really have to care about the impact of what you do, or what people think of you. Rich, selfish, carefree. That’s not such a bad life, is it?

Yeah, I was really considering it. But then I realized that in so many ways, I’m not really cut out for it.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that people would know that I thought George W. Bush was cool.

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I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I really don’t feel comfortable demanding that my underclass ‘volunteer’ military fight wars that I myself would refuse to fight.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I just don’t need another expensive car as much as poor kids need healthcare.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like limited presidential power.

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I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like separation of church and state.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like freedom from government search and seizure without probable cause and a judicial warrant.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I actually believe in the ideas of the Constitution, like Congress being the lawmaking and oversight branch.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I don’t really think it’s such a great idea to bungle everything in sight, like Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Katrina, and more.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not comfortable with just about the entire world hating me.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not sexually twisted enough.

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I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not completely freaked out about how sexually twisted I am, if I was sexually twisted (which I’m not).

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not so freaked out about how sexually twisted I am, if I was sexually twisted (which I’m not), that I need to wreck the lives of other people by politically demonizing them for their ‘deviant’ sexual preferences and practices.

I was thinking about becoming a Republican, but then I realized that I’m not frightened of women.

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David Michael Green is a professor of political science at Hofstra University in New York.  He is delighted to receive readers' reactions to his articles (dmg@regressiveantidote.net), but regrets that time constraints do not always allow him to respond. His website is (more...)
 

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