"But Jane," said my friend Melinda, "You can grow stuff too. I just heard about a new plant food that will revolutionize plant growth and the growing season. August Franklin developed it and it provides a full spectrum of minerals that plants used to have access to but that are now stripped out of the soil by our current methods of growing and harvesting crops. After five years of testing -- with astonishing results including growing strawberries in Maine in October and helping with the ongoing reforestation of Haiti -- Franklin is going to sell his formula to the general public. It's called Wow! And I want you to experiment with it and write about it."
So after all these years of watching the houseplants in my window die one by one, suddenly I know two (2) plant gurus and am about to BECOME a plant guru myself? Life works in mysterious ways. "All the plants I grow here are perfectly legal," Rick continued as we toured his mini-farm. "Here is a plant used to make ayahuasua, a hallucinogenic drug originating in the Amazon basin and used by shamans to induce religious visions." I want to try some of that!
"But even though we grow the plant and it's legal, we still can't ingest it because we don't know how to brew the tea or how big the dose should be. There are actually two plants that go into brewing ayahuasua and you use the vines from the one and the leaves from the other. I grow both plants here -- but I'm not exactly sure what the correct ratio should be." Is anyone out there a medicine man from the Amazon who knows how to brew this stuff up? If you do, then e-mail me, okay?
"But what kind of dreams will I have?" I asked. "Good ones? Bad ones? And what if I have a nightmare?"
"You will just have the kind of dreams that you would normally have -- only more life-like -- plus you remember them all. And if you have a nightmare? Just get a friend to stand by with a bucket of cold water." Oh.
So tonight I'm going to try some of the dream tea. How will it go? Please stay tuned.
3 pm: The plant doctor also told me that in Vallarta you can walk into almost any pharmacy here and buy mind-altering drugs without a prescription. Then we discussed the merits of anti-depressants and their ilk such as Wellbutrin, which Dr. Gary Kohls describes as being just a legalized pharmaceutical-grade version of Speed. "Wellbutrin is a dangerous, potentially-addicting amphetamine, so naturally people who take it will feel energized (ie, falsely 'high') at first because it 'gooses' their dopamine and norepinephrine (only temporarily, of course) and then depletes those natural neurotransmitters just like most of the synthetic, neurotoxic so-called antidepressants do." But you can get these types of drugs right over the counter here in Puerto Vallarta. Shhh. Don't tell that to all those poor misinformed teenagers in the US who are prescribed anti-depressants and then go shoot up their schools and their malls.
Then I walked down through the non-tourist part of Vallarta. "If you go up this street half a block," said my host, "the cobblestones end and you are on a dirt road in a village like one you would find anywhere else in Mexico." Interesting. I'll save that treat for tomorrow. But on my way down to the main tourist beach, I passed by a whole bunch of wonderful little shops, small family restaurants and street vendors that did not cater to the tourists.
OMG! There's an Optica! An eye doctor. A glasses store!
I love glasses -- glasses as accessories. I have 18 pairs of them -- including some wire frames left over from the 1960s and those gigantic frames they used to have in the 1970s that now only our grandmothers wear. This optica carried a Buddy-Holly-type frame design, only in white. I was tempted... But no. I'm on a mission. I gotta go find my daughter Ashley a soccer shirt. I promised her.
Maybe I shouldn't fool around with any of those weird dream drugs. Do I really have enough of a brain left to waste it like that? Probably not.
But then I started rationalizing. "What if I was able to use my new powers for good? What if I asked the dream guide to help me find some way to help all those poor Iraq war vets to get over their nightmares?"