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Biology 201
This course will offer an intensive review of hair care
methods and other cosmetic approaches for aging white males. Topics will
include comb overs, weaves, and surgical transplants. Additional topics will
include self-injection of BOTOX; collagen shots for a big mouth; bridgework to
nowhere; the art of the tan--when is well done overdone? Students will be
required to spend tens of thousands of dollars to look like a revived corpse.
This course will include a 1-credit lab where students will apply Viagra,
Levitra, Enzyte and testosterone supplements to a cadaver. If erection persists
more than four hours, call Melania. Students may pass out of Biology 201 by
juicing, taking daily shots of human growth hormone, and wearing a girdle.
This course will survey autocrats, tyrants, and demagogues through the ages and apply their guiding principles to the modern political arena. Topics will include mass deportation; making the trains run on time; reinterpreting Joseph Goebbels for the new millennium (The bigger the lie the more they'll tweet it.); the Berlin Wall, the Maginot Line, the Korean DMZ and other historically successful barriers; mass hypnosis for the beginner; cutting taxes, doubling military spending, and balancing the budget (see Voodoo Economics 101); Putin people on; non-aggression pacts with other dictators and dictators-in-waiting; plutonium and the free market--a franchise approach to nuclear proliferation; using economic contraction to promote xenophobia--a winning electoral strategy; when to call other heads of state "losers;" thugs, Brownshirts, intimidation and the art of the rally.
Students will be required to compile an enemies list and to develop a protocol for verbally abusing each member in a public forum. Extra credit will be awarded for inventing pejorative nicknames. Students may pass out of Public Policy 101 by assuming control of a First World nation and running it into the ground.
Women's Studies 101
This course is an introduction to issues confronting the average real estate tycoon looking to get laid. Topics will include why it's so hard for flat-chested chicks to be a 10; a brief history of Eastern European mail-order brides; the art of frequent STD testing; beauty pageants and sampling the merchandise; the do-it-yourself prenup kit; robbing the cradle; fleecing the cradle; bilking the cradle; foreclosing on the cradle; using the cradle as collateral during a leveraged buyout of a much larger cradle; when to dump your trophy wife; mastering the lecherous grin. Students will be required to date their own daughter.
Finance 201
This course will cover conventional and unconventional methods of turning millions of dollars into millions of dollars. Topics will include overstating your net worth to investors while understating your income to the IRS; how to lose money operating a casino; guidelines for lobbying your way onto the Fortune 500 list; leveraging parental assets; leveraging sibling assets; leveraging taxpayer assets; tax abatement strategies for charitable donations never made; exploiting real estate bubbles; reversing globalization in three easy steps; profiting from national and institutional financial collapse; Chapter 11 as a financial planning tool; opening your own university; closing your own university. Students will be required to saddle an otherwise successful business with excessive debt, file for bankruptcy, ruin dozens of creditors, and reopen days later under a different name.
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