BREAKING NEWS: Tongue-in-Cheek News Service Will Update this Bulletin as More Information Becomes Available
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A 400-pound Ukrainian man, living in his mother's basement in her Kiev home, created the Coronavirus that is terrorizing the world, President Donald Trump announced today.
Trump made the disclosure after getting intelligence reports from Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) and Rudolph Giuliani, a former New York City crime-fighter turned personal attorney for the president. "I appreciate what Devin and Rudy have done to protect our country and the world," Trump said on his Twitter account this morning.
The 45th president revealed he is in a bunker deep beneath a "SWAMP in D.C!!!!" The Republican president, already mounting his reelection bid, said Nunes and Giuliani are staying with him at the undisclosed location in order to protect national security secrets.
A top White House official who requested anonymity said Trump is reviewing evidence that members of the American "Deep State" may have conspired with former Vice President Joe Biden's son Hunter and the overweight Ukrainian man. "We have reason to believe that the Biden's, members of the Deep State, and hostile, corrupt actors in Ukraine want to make America weak again," the source said. "Our intelligence shows the traitors believe the Coronavirus will spread fear and create chaos, thereby destroying the most perfect economy Americans have ever experienced."
Trump vowed to fight back and return to public view as soon as Attorney General William Barr "rounds up the traitors and gives them swift justice."
Trump, a proponent of law and order, continued on Twitter, "I remember the good-old days when cops used to beat the crap out of suspects. Back then, leaders also knew what to do with traitors. It is time we Make America Safe Again. Stay tuned."
Meanwhile, a Capitol Hill source said Republican senators will hold hearings once the virus is no longer a threat. However, the source warned, "We don't expect to call the Biden's to testify, if you know what I mean."
A representative from the Biden campaign decried "the smears, lies and disgusting abuse of power our president demonstrates almost daily. "We need a president, not an aspiring dictator," the spokeswoman said.
For context on this mounting health crisis, health experts warn the Coronavirus has spread across the world in a matter of months.
A spokeswoman for the World Health Organization said, "This means it is too late to contain the Coronavirus. We need to practice strong mitigation techniques. We need government leaders to lead and protect their fellow citizens."