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Trump Plans to "Ride Coronavirus Pony" to Landslide (SATIRE)

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Trump Plans to "Ride Coronavirus Pony" to Landslide Reelection (SATIRE)

"Tongue-in-Cheek News Service" Will Provide More Information When it Becomes Available.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump plans to "ride the Coronavirus pony" to a landslide reelection this fall, a recording of a conversation obtained by Tongue-in-Cheek News Service reveals.

The president indicated he plans to sweep to a second term by restarting parts of the economy, and blaming any economic failure on local leaders who refuse to comply with his wish to get people back to work. Trump also said the "huge, beautiful relief bill before Congress will enhance my reelection efforts."

In the recording, which has not been independently verified, the 45th president said today from his underground D.C. bunker, "Weeping Chuck Schumer and Stuttering Nancy Pelosi are giving me a $2 trillion campaign contribution."

Trump was referring to a massive relief bill approved unanimously by the Senate and expected to be passed by the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives. The unprecedented legislation will provide many Americans direct cash payments, boost a poorly-funded unemployment compensation system and send money to local and state governments and hospitals. It also offers loans and grants to many hard-hit businesses.

The president has been practicing social distancing at the secret underground bunker since the Coronavirus was declared a pandemic. John Brennan, the CIA director under former President Barack Obama, released the recording.

"The American people need to know who is leading us in a time of crisis," Brennan told Tongue-in-Cheek News Service. He declined to say how he found the underground bunker. Nor would he say what type of devices were deployed to listen to the president's conversations and record them.

"Let's just say I learned a thing or two working for the CIA," Brennan said.

In the recording, Trump can be heard speaking with Rudy Giuliani and Rep. Devin Nunes, who are sharing the bunker with him to protect "national security secrets," according to the president. He claims intelligence reports prove a 400 pound Ukrainian man created the deadly virus with the help of American "Deep State" traitors."

"The fake news media say I did nothing for months while the Coronavirus devastated a part of China and spread around the world," the president can be heard saying.

"That's right," a voice that sounds like that of Giuliani responded shrilly.

"Priorities USA, a Democratic front-group, just ran a slanderous ad quoting many comments I have made," Trump continued.

"Disgusting," a voice, apparently that of Nunes, said.

"The ad suggests I called the Coronavirus pandemic a hoax that would go away quickly," Trump commented.

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Steve Schneider lives in Florida. He writes articles for Humor Times, Democracy Chronicles, The Satirist and OpEd News.

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