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The Uber-Capitalists: Obstructing Economic Recovery?

By       Message Maynard McKillen     Permalink
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(A Pragma-Economic Action Plan.)

To recap [1], the fundamental breakthrough of Pragma-Economics is a recognition that the affluent are a market commodity [2]. The importance of this entrepreneurial and socio-economic innovation rivals that of the mortgage-backed security, the hedge fund, and other financial-sector prestidigitations.

By re-positioning these troubled and troublesome pseudo-assets, guerrilla economists can repackage the affluent, resell them, and then further bundle and relabel them, passing this jet-set jetsam through several additional permutations, the final commodity retaining almost no olfactory remnant to betray its origins.

Initial public roll-outs were an unqualified success. One derivatives trading firm re-emerged as a public-sector union. The members immediately went on strike [3]. Several anonymous investors, receiving the news, were stricken by a mysterious affliction and rushed to local hospitals [4].

From http://www.flickr.com/photos/28287289@N02/10961579226/
(Image by Floris M. Oosterveld)   Permission   Details   DMCA

Any fundamental socio-economic market correction causes disruptive dislocation as it seeks a new equilibrium. One venture capitalist, distraught at the prospect of decreasing income inequality, plunged to his death from a financial district office tower [5].

As detailed in the previous expose, pragmaconomists offer paradigm-shifting, shovel-ready solutions to the problem of the surplus-affluent and their protracted obstruction of the nation's economic recovery. Congress, deadlocked by the malfeasance of Republican "Richies", was nonetheless browbeaten by public outcry into passing a WPA [6] Act. After years of pro-affluent legislation, quid pro quo, and "constituent meetings" devoted to bonking K-Street bimbos, pragma-pundits dub this sea change in legislative productivity "epic". 

From http://www.flickr.com/photos/60286259@N05/7581800578/

Using innovative socio-mediant protocols, the act empowers HHS to re-position affluent commodities for maximum economic utility. Thus empowered, a portion of these vastly overvalued villains have been parceled out to  public-interest groups for re-branding [7] and put to work on public-infrastructure projects [8] .

The public has been overwhelmingly supportive of these job-creating initiatives for the underemployed elite. Several pedestrians in Times Square, interviewed at random, gushed with unabashed enthusiasm. "It's so exciting to see them become productive!" cheered one woman, a teacher visiting from central Minnesota. 

Another, a man who owns a small business in Portland, Oregon, was less avid. "Yeah, I hired some "Richies". Had a few problems with the dress code, if ya know what I mean."

Another pedestrian, a New York native and therapist, was hopeful. "By actually mingling with complex, well-rounded and tolerant people, the affluent may evolve semi-emotive and semi-empathetic skillsets that cause the casual observer to mistake them for... (a tear was seen forming in his eye.)... human beings! It's potentially wonderful!"  

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Satirist Maynard McKillen hails from Wisconsin, where he enjoys skewering the idiots of the Republican-majority state government.

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