As if the coronavirus pandemic were not bad enough, the latest report will truly frighten every single human being on the planet, signaling the need for drastic action.
Top scientists have just release these results: 100% OF EVERY PERSON THEY'VE EXAMINED HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR DI-HYDROGEN OXIDE!
As one unnamed spokesperson who reports directly to Dr. Anthony Fauci, current Director of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases, said: "This stuff is everywhere in the human body. Though we looked at blood and urine samples, di-hydrogen oxide apparently is present in every tissue, our sweat, our tears, even at trace levels in the bones and cartilage. Yes, there are acceptable levels. But get too much and it's all over! Those persons who courageously participated in our trial studies, are already showing levels of 65%-70% di-hydrogen oxide in their bodies." The health expert then broke down crying and couldn't even continue talking to us.
Caught completely unprepared for these TRULY SCARY NUMBERS, which will directly impact over 330 million U.S. citizens, near panic has gripped the emergency planning and pandemic mitigation agencies of America's excellent health care system.
A policy maker at the very highest level, who at least for now prefers to remain anonymous but who did give us permission to say his initials are JB, offered some initial comments on what ideas are being floated to meet this new challenge.
"Here's the deal. Before we can build back better, we need to cover our butts. First off, we think everyone needs to be locked in their homes. No exceptions. Then we might have to freeze everyone's bank accounts. Probably elections are off the table for the foreseeable future. If we encounter any troublemakers who put their own selfish impulses ahead of the health of their fellow-Americans, we'll be setting up re-education camps to teach them some consideration for others. You know who you are. And we're watching you, lying dog-faced pony soldiers."
If you know of anyone who you suspect is contaminated with di-hydrogen oxide, stay at least nine feet from them, grab your cell phone and report them immediately. This is no laughing matter and the very survival of the human race is at stake.
Here's the emergency CDC Hotline #: 1-800-426-5459 or 1-800-H2O-KILZ
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