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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 3/5/16

The Amazing Criswell Predicts -- More Trumpety-trump-trump-trump

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As we've seen lately The Republican Establishment is going full-bore-batshit trying to derail the guy that's swamping the other Republicans in the polls. I think it's awesome ... for a couple of reasons.

First, because it's never happened before. I think it's always a good idea to pay particular attention to something That Has Never Happened Before. Who knows if it will ever happen again? This might truly be a once-in-a-lifetime moment. Who'd want to miss out on that?

The previous Republican candidate for president took a chainsaw to the current Republican front-runner, and begged whoever was watching, to vote for anybody but the most successful challenger in the current race for the White House. It was like watching Olympic gold medal winners Mark Spitz or Michael Phelps jump in the pool and try to drown the leading American contender in the middle of the race. I'll have to change my epithet -- it's abso-fuckin'-lutely awesome.

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Second, regardless of what happens next, the Republican party is going to end up looking like a recombinant DNA experiment gone horribly awry. They'll obviously have to change their name from GOP to ... to ... um ... What do you call something that has one toothless gaping mouth and millions of a**holes? Beats me.

But that's just the show on TV. To delve deeper into mist of confusion I'll have to channel the always amusing but dead Amazing Criswell.


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At first the crystal ball is dark and murky ... but slowly ... slowly ... it's becoming clear now ... I see ... I see ... Money. Piles and piles of money. And all the Republican candidates are stuffing it into their pants as fast as they can.

Grifters know when it's time to stop the con, pocket the cash, and get gone before the cops show up. Smart grifters do anyway. These Republican dopes need blatant reminders to know when to drop out of sight. That's what primaries are for.

A year ago everybody assumed it be a race between Hillary and Jeb(!). But the Republican stage was swarmed by a bunch of greedy half wits who just wanted to grab the cash. By October 2015, the second tier Republicans, y'know -- the candidates who had a ZERO chance of winning -- like Santorum, Jindall, Carly, and Rand -- had sucked up millions and millions of dollars. The top tier bozos suckered the rubes out of 10 times what the kiddie table candidates could scrape up.

Ben Carson, the only dwarf who could simultaneously be Sleepy and Doc, was hedging his bets. He didn't know if the campaign con was a sure thing. So last October he temporarily stopped his campaign so it wouldn't get in the way of his short term cash grab, his book tour.

One by one the Republican candidates dropped the facade of running for the job, bailed out, and ran to the bank to count their money instead. Jeb(!) raised over 157 million bucks. This is just the money we can ferret out. The Dark Money can't be counted by mere mortals. Only the gods will ever know. Money might be free speech, but money also knows when to shut up and hide.

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The cash dropped during the primaries is chump change compared to the deluge that happens between the conventions and Election day. The script written last year had Jeb(!) winning the nomination as the other contenders happily deposited their consolation prize money into offshore accounts. But that script got tossed in the trash when Trump threw his Make America Great Again cap into the ring. For the first time in decades the mouth-breathers finally had a candidate they could support. And they went off script much to the dismay of their handlers. The penny-ante con men leading the Republican party were caught flat-footed by a better con.

Months ago I was trying to figure out the orange-enigma that is Donald Trump. I could see why he wanted to run for the nomination -- but I couldn't imagine why he'd want to actually be president. Then all became clear.

Running would affirm the Trump "brand," he'd get loads of free publicity, his toxic narcissism would feed endlessly off the adoring crowds, and he'd suck up as much cash as he could. He's not a very smart guy but it isn't written down anywhere that guys that want to be president have to be smart ... they just have to be cunning. And that he is.

He makes mincemeat out of all the surviving clowns on the stage because all they want is a shot at the job. He doesn't want the job. He already has a pretty good job. He just wants the cash.

Y'see after he picks up the nomination, Donald Trump is planning to lose the election. He'll lose to Bernie or Hillary. It doesn't make any difference. From convention's end to Election day ... it's going to be a roller coaster ride from hell. He's going to take a dive and make another goddamn fortune doing it. Google "Donald Trump and the Mob." I just did. I received 62 million hits in .36 seconds.

Small time embezzlers and other financial crooks know how important it is to keep two sets of books. One is for real and the other is cooked for the IRS. It's safe to say The Donald has more than a couple of gold-plated accountants keeping track of all the money so that on one hand the IRS will be satisfied, and on the other his Mob friends will be f*cking ecstatic.

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Some 45 years ago I became aware of the fact that the government of The United States was trying to kill me. I wasn't paranoid or anything. I mean I knew the government wasn't out to kill me personally. They just wanted to kill as many Vietnamese (more...)
 
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