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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 4/28/16

Ted Cruz's "Convenient and Instant Amnesia"

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These days there is so much comic relief going around that its very, very hard for me to focus on real serious political issues -- like the United States 2016 Presidential Elections, as formal as that sounds. Funny thing is that it used to be boring political crap that nobody paid any attention to until November came around. Then the conversation in bars when guys got plastered would be: "jes who ya goncha vote for tomorrow?" The implication here is that these half-drunk grown men did not or could not remember who the heck was "running for president."

Not so this presidential campaign cycle. There's not a day goes by without something dramatic happening and people are captivated by the spectacle of grown men (and a few women) making themselves complete jerk offs on national television. For example, hours after Donald Trump delivered a part-humorous, part-delusional and part-bat s**t crazy foreign policy speech, his nearest rival, Raphael "Ted" Cruz ratcheted up things a notch by naming Carly Fiorina, the former HP executive, his vice presidential running mate ignoring the fact that he was just about 400+ delegates behind Trump, the Republican frontrunner.

So I said to myself, "self this is the crazy season and I think that we've just hit the top and things will get less laughable now." We'll now get to discuss critical political issues as to why Hillary Clinton wears and likes pants suits, why ole ram-goat Bill has fellatio with sexy Monica under the desk in the Oval Office, if John Kasich is still coo coo for Cocoa Puffs and how Raphael Cruz became "Lyin Ted Cruz" who loves Green Eggs and Ham. Pretty standard political stuff, I would think.

Then former Speaker John Boehner had to go and call Cruz some nasty and mean names like "Lucifer" and "miserable son of a b*tch." Oh, and Ted Cruz. Cruz caught like a deer in the headlights could only respond with: "If you're happy with John Boehner as speaker of the House and you want a president like John Boehner, Donald Trump is your man." I'm going to resurrect Einstein NOW! Or better yet from now on I'm going to pick up a new hobby: crossword puzzles. I can't unravel Cruz's response. I tell you someone is spiking his coffee with moonshine!

He then continued: "I've never worked with John Boehner. Truth of the matter is I don't know the man"If I had said 50 words to John Boehner in my life, I would be surprised." At the risk of bursting out in loud, screeching laughter a characteristic of the truly insane, I'll just recite a stanza from the "Walrus and the Carpenter" that captures my mood.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

Agh! Please, please Donald Trump; please go to the head of the class! Hate to admit it but Trump is RIGHT -- the good senator from Texas has an elastic relationship with the truth. In short: there is some truth in the fact that he's not truthful.

Cruz never worked with John Boehner? Nor spoken 50 words to him? When Cruz was making a boo boo of himself in the US Senate, in October of 2013, wasn't John Boehner the Republican speaker of the House? Was it not the same John Boehner who was still speaker when Cruz held the government hostage to ransom for some $6 billion?

S**t man, were you listening to yourself?! People are not stupid you know. Shouldn't the man in the Senate trying to send the Federal government on a forced holiday have spoken at least 50 words to the guy from his own party who was in charge of the House at that time?

And if now when that man who obviously knows you calls you Lucifer, you decide to get an instant massive dose of amnesia or lie through your teeth about knowing him, how daft do you think we are?

"Lucifer in the flesh," the former speaker said. "I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a b*tch in my life."

These days John Boehner is cool, candid and open. The weight of having to deal with the pack of crabs in the barrel at the House of Representatives has been lifted. He's not crying and incessantly looking for excuses to sob in public anymore. The days when he would grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and go teary eyed and babbling about how "they just hate me" are long gone. He's having adult beverages now and he saying what he could only have said to Ole Jack after a few when the crabs crawled about.

We always knew that Boehner never liked the drama king from Texas. Many a time, I'm sure, he just looked at the little half-Cuban nitwit and muttered under his breadth "why the heck you don't just shut to f**k up! You piece of crap." But outwardly he just sobbed and bore it preferring to confide in Jack Daniels. Hey, I don't blame him! If you had to deal with the crazies, climate-deniers, sex crazed crack pots, back stabbers, serial hypocrites and other assorted "members of his conference" you'd become so acquainted with Jack Daniels to call him "Ole Jim."

But Lucifer? The "Bright and Morning Star?" Cruz? Nooooo. I understand the former speaker's loathing and pent up animosity for Ted Cruz. Hell, hating Cruz is the thing that brings all of us together. Imagine when your own colleagues in your own party can't stand you and don't trust you. In the senate John McCain would happily conclude privately that he's a pompous overbearing ass; The former Republican Prestwit George "Dubya" Bush hates him; Hillary Clinton thinks he one level with cow's dung and Donald Trump, Marco Rubio and the "low energy" Jeb Bush also hate the guy. The point is that Boehner was merely doing us a favor by restating the obvious: Ted Cruz sucks -- big time.

So now Boehner is back in the game and he's just sent out the love to his new superbro, Donald Trump, who he says he'll vote for. He bluntly said that he'll not be voting for Cruz, which is irrelevant since Cruz will be drowning his failed presidential bid's sorrow back in Texas. He'll probably take it out on the resident geese or wild boar or some animal while reciting the Second Amendment and his right to bear arms. Shooting and killing something after a humiliating loss is really very therapeutic and uplifting.

So Boehner, now free from the Cruz Scourge or the Scourge of Cruz, could now voice his opinion about his hated nemesis. But as an intelligent and basically decent man, I thought that he could have used other more descriptive language and not resort to biblical allegory and hyperbole. You see, the story of Lucifer and Boehner's comparison of him to Cruz is most illustrative.

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MICHAEL DERK ROBERTS Small Business Consultant, Editor, and Social Media & Communications Expert, New York Over the past 20 years I've been a top SMALL BUSINESS CONSULTANT and POLITICAL CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST in Brooklyn, New York, running (more...)

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