The President of the United States: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:
I want to start out this State of the Union by sucking up to the new Republican majority in the House and to the increased Republican minority in the Senate. I too can read the polls and recognize that it's time for this unrepentant progressive corporatist liberal to take a stand, bite the bullet, and embrace long-standing conservative principles that I have publicly abhorred for all my life. I now see the folly of my spend-thrift liberal ways and along with the Rasmussen, Zogby, Gallup, and Harris polls, it's easy to see that in order for me to squeak out re-election in a scant 23 months from now that I must turn my back on my beliefs to create the illusion that I am a moderate centrist.
But first allow me to remind everyone of the tragic turn of events just a few weeks ago in Tucson where our dear friend Gabby Giffords was cut down in cold blood, a tragedy that has spurred all of us to play musical chairs tonight in the House and to pretend that we are adopting a bipartisan air of civility, even if only for the cameras and for the sake of public appearances for a few weeks.
The people have spoken, and not just with bullets, but with ballots last fall. I can read the tea leaves on the wailing wall of election results and you have told us that you want us to cut taxes for the wealthy and to accept large donations from multinational corporations to help shape our national agenda and policies. I got it, loud and clear. Two years after the clusterfuck that bankrupted our fragile corporations, financial institutions, and housing markets, the stock market is back in black, as AC/DC might put it. Corporate profits are up, the economy is growing again.
OK, well maybe not for you if you're one of the 9.1% of the unemployed who actually filed for a check, but trust me, the corporations and banks are doing just fine.
And now the American people want us to work together to help those large businesses garner an even bigger share of the pot of gold at the end of the Federal Reserve's "quantitative easing" policy, or as I like to call it, making money the old-fashioned way, by printing it.
We did that in December when we extended the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest two-percent of Americans. Yes, we extended your tax cuts too, and your paychecks are a few dollars bigger now, with the whole package adding a whopping $400-billion dollars to the deficit, making the United States of America the largest debtor nation on the planet today.
That's right--we're Number One!