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Soviet Sarah

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It will be the height of irony when the mask is removed, revealing the Tea Party movement to be the real "Bolshevik plot." At the forefront of the Tea Party is Republican and presumed capitalist Sarah Palin, who is stealthily building up her base of malcontents in preparation for the civil coup she hopes to be as bloodless as it is witless.

"'Socialist' is a word you don't want to be labeled with in the American political system," said Judson Phillips, who formed the Tea Party Nation. "It's got a lot of negative connotations, but it also has a very specific political meaning. It refers to a specific political ideology. I think it is very clear that that is the political ideology of Barack Obama."

But might that just be the pot calling the president black, laying some groundwork to prevent his reelection by labeling him as way off the left end? I submit that's the hidden orientation of the Tea Party Patriots. Officially, mind you, the Tea Partiers are as capitalist as baseball (football) and apple pie (Ben & Jerry's). Until you think about it. They do seem to talk about "the people" and "the government" an awful lot, which raised my initial socialist suspicions. Meanwhile, Palin, the unofficial leader of the Tea Party Patriots, and former Soviet next-door-neighbor ("you can see Russia from Alaska!"), is carefully positioning the pieces on her checkers board, in hopeful preparation for a more perfect socialist union.

"The soul of this movement is the people, everyday Americans," double-secret-Comrade Palin said at her keynote address at the inaugural Tea Party Nation Convention, held February 4-6 in Nashville, Tennessee. The cradle of our democracy, steeped in American history and tradition, Nashville is also just an afternoon's drive up I-40 from Graceland. "America is ready for another revolution," she hinted to supporters who paid $550 per ticket for the three day convention in the country western music capital of the world. "And I am a big supporter of this movement. I believe in this movement."

Fidel Castro inspired a world-bending change himself, a half-century ago off the coast of Florida. "I began revolution with 82 men," he said, far fewer than his contemporaries in the Tea Party Nation have already rallied. "If I had to do it again, I do it with 10 or 15 and absolute faith. It does not matter how small you are if you have faith and plan of action." Populist Sarah Palin has nothing if not blind faith.

Tea Party leaders purport to oppose what they view as an age of stereotypical American "big government." Their official mission statement actually claims the "impetus for the Tea Party movement is excessive government spending and taxation." So on paper the Tea Party Patriots want nothing more than to stand up for the people by greatly reducing government, government spending, taxation, and homosexuality (see Judge Ray Moore's Convention speech). Probably lots more guns, though. Until someone comes up with a better way to protect our families than a gun in every home, we'll be sure to read between the Second Amendment lines and interpret "a well-regulated militia" to mean "anyone," as the Founding Fathers simply and mistakenly forgot to spell out.

Palin's Pinko Party peaks out in true colors when its leaders discuss the proletariat. "This is about the people," Palin declared of the Tea Party movement. "It is so inspiring to see real people, come out and stand up and speak out for common sense."

Decades ago, Palin's unofficial present-day role model spoke words she would certainly stand for now. "The government is tottering," said Vladimir Lennin. "We must deal it the death blow at any cost. To delay action is the same as death." Or as Palin observed in Nashville, "We're drowning in national debt and many of us have had enough."

Tea Party Patriots would prefer to see state government picking up the slack as federal powers are stripped. In a successful capitalist society, of course, the private sector is where the magic happens. Even before Citizens United v. FEC, lobbyists had an easy enough time purchasing and pushing around Congress to suit their interests. And the more authority Tea Partiers can shift from the national down to the state level, the easier it will be for private, or Tea Party revolutionary, powers to manipulate the country to their will. I can think of one angry lipstick-wearing pitbull spotting a path to success where her old neighbors across the Bering Straight failed.

"Democracy is the road to socialism," said Karl Heinrich Marx. Sarah Palin guides a snowmobile down that well-known path.

Tea Party forebear Joseph Stalin predicted: "When we hang the capitalists, they will sell us the rope we use."

I could never produce a pithy one-liner like that. But, maybe that's why I'm not the driving force of a determined political movement; a leader who understands the complexities of rallying patrioticAmericans to her team, while simultaneously realizing the Tea Party'sambitious national transition from a more than 200 years-long trial indemocracy to Sarah Palin's communist dream.

"But as the saying goes," Palin told the Nashville faithful, "if you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't be in the circus."

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Ian Squires is a writer and freelance journalist living in Washington, D.C.
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