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Satirists on Strike!

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Message Allan Goldstein
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Peer closely enough into your computer screens, dear readers, and you'll see your humble scribe marching around his television wearing a sandwich board that says "UNFAIR TO SATIRISTS" in big bold letters.

Last week was the last straw.  It started with missing governors "hiking the Appalachian Trail" and ended with the grim reaper scything down half of Hollywood.  How am I supposed to make fun of that?

I could ignore the body count and write about the foibles of live people, but the famous ones have become impossible to satirize. I'm on strike until politicians and powerbrokers stop behaving in ways that exceed even my diseased comic imagination.

But, on second thought, we could all use a laugh. I'll give it a shot.  All I have to do is be more ridiculous than reality. Consider that my disclaimer for all that follows.


Disgraced Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina resigns his office, leaves his family, and departs the country.  His comeback shocks the world, when he appears on "South America's Got Talent," and brings down the house with a version of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" that would do Susan Boyle proud.

Asked after the show how he was able to put his adulterous behavior behind him, given his strong religious beliefs, Sanford said:  "I think I'm good with God because we only "did it" in the missionary position."

Furthermore, the ex-gov is already planning his political comeback, with fellow sinner John Edwards' help.  "John has agreed to fly to Argentina and I'm going to England," Sanford said. "We call it the Mistress Exchange Program and it's intended to promote international understanding and world piece."

In an attempt to reconnect with his dear old friend, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright sends Barack Obama an autographed first edition of "Mein Kampf."  Rahm Emmanuel intercepts it, reads it, and quits the White House and joins the KKK as the first Jewish Grand High Wizard.

Warner Brothers announces that the role of "The Joker," left tragically unfilled by the death of Oscar winner Heath Ledger, will be played by Rod Blagojevich in the upcoming movie, "The Dark Knight Two: Batman Goes Blago."  "We didn't feel the first movie was dark enough," Warner's publicist said.  "This time we're going to have a 'puke or get your money back' guarantee."

Keith Olbermann and George W Bush have agreed to partner on the next season of "Dancing With The Stars."  No word yet on which will lead, but bookies are offering 8 to 5 on Olbermann, given Bush's track record as a leader.

The first president Bush announced that, for his ninetieth birthday, he's going to jump out of a plane with no parachute, strapped to Bill O'Reilly.  "I'm not afraid," Bush 41 said.  "That gasbag could lift the Queen Mary."

The Republican National Committee has declared their nominee for 2012 will be none other than Rush Limbaugh!  "He's extremely popular with the base," Michael Steele said.  "And he meets our rigorous new sexual unattractiveness standard, achieving the highest grade, TUTF."

Yet another reputation falls into the pit of hypocrisy. Jenna Jameson, the Queen of Porn, was stripped of all her titles and powers when it was discovered that she was secretly having a monogamous relationship with her husband, martial arts champ Tito Ortiz.

In a desperate attempt to regain their fan's trust, the American Association of Pornographers has instituted mandatory testing for silicone, botox, Viagra and other "performance-enhancing" drugs.  "We'll
do whatever it takes to insure that Ron Jeremy's record of 714 orgasms isn't tarnished by drug-inflated statistics," insisted a spokesperson from the Porno Hall of Fame.

Delightful news from the world of reality television!  Jon and Kate Gosselin have decided to patch things up and save their show by entering into a plural marriage with Nadya "Octomom" Suleman.  The new show, "Jon & Kate & Nadya Plus 16" promises twice the laughs and twice the fun, and is expected to do
very well in Utah.

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
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