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President Palin's First Ten Days in Office

By       Message John Blumenthal     Permalink
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Day One : Chief Justice Roberts administers the oath of office. President Palin repeats the words "So help me God," fifty-five times and won't let go of the Bible. The benediction lasts six hours.

In her inaugural speech, she proclaims that, "Democratic countries of the world must stand together to defeat Communism and win the Cold War."

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Tweet: Prety sur Justc. Rbts. commando undr robe @ inaug. Ooooh . 

Day Two : President Palin orders the Bureau of Printing and Engraving to remove Ulysses S. Grant's face from the fifty dollar bill and replace it with the image of Ronald Reagan because Grant "has a foreign-sounding first name and who was he anyway?" She considers changing the $10 bill and the $100 bill, but Vice-President Michele Bachmann advises her to refrain because Benjamin Franklin and Alexander Hamilton were "two of our greatest presidents."

Tweet: Said "gee Todd'" today & scret srvice thot I said "jihad." Oops! 

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Day Three : Palin orders her new Secretary of God to place a thirty foot statue of Jesus holding a shotgun on the front lawn of the White House. Work begins on construction of a shooting range in the Rose Garden, and the West Wing is eliminated, because it's on the left side of the building. 

Tweet: Y is Kim Jong ill? Flu? Anybdy no?

Day Four : President Palin appoints ex-Gov. Scott Walker as Secretary of Labor, Bernie Madoff as Secretary of the Treasury (following an executive pardon), and Christine O'Donnell as Secretary of State (which will now be known as Secretary of Geography.)

O'Donnell's first official task is to buy a globe so she can figure out "where countries are." Palin helps her with this project, but is unable to find the United States on a map of the United States.

Tweet: Whts in blck briefcas? Mayb give 2 Todd for his b-day .

Day Five: Palin is informed by her National Security advisor -- Joe the Plumber -- that there are more than three cabinet departments. Palin decides to eliminate the Department of Education, the Energy Department and the EPA. She merges the Nuclear Regulatory Agency and the National Rifle Association because "they have the same initials so we'll save on stationary."

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Palin's choice for Secretary of the Interior is a woman named Betty who "really knows a lotta stuff about drapes and can decorate a room to make it look homey." Betty's first assignment is to redesign the Oval Office into a replica of a cozy ski lodge. She replaces George Washington's portrait with a moosehead, because "if you ask me, the guy looks depressed."

Tweet: Ywn. Nuthn 2 do here. Gotta fnd a cuntry to invde. Hw bout New Jrsy? 

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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