At our men's group
We meet in a friend's yurt.
We smudge each other with sage.
We bring in the ancestors,
Acknowledge those of the group
Who couldn't make it
Then we drum.
Each man brings his own "noise-maker"
(Wallace Black Elk's playful description of the drum).
When we are done drumming
And noise-making,
We take turns passing a crooked stick
That was carved and decorated
By a man who was key
To our group's creation
Who has since passed on.
The stick helps us dive deeper.
When one of us picks up the stick
The other men listen.
We take turns speaking and listening.
Sometimes the sharing is short.
Sometimes it takes a while for a man to get his truth out.
What is shared is not planned.
Sometimes it is hard to let go of the stick.
It is powerful medicine to be listened to
By a circle of men who are trustworthy
And who are conditioned
By their participation
In many such ritual gatherings
Not to judge but to hold space.
If being listened to without being judged
Is new, I humbly recommend it.
Our men's group is always healing.
Nothing but good medicine ripples out.
There is always love, truth and beauty.
And there is power.
And there is medicine.
-- -- --
Email me if you want to start your own men's group.
I will help you.
..........................
Our men's group (or men's circle) was a steady five of us for years (one in his 40s, one in his 50s and three in our 70s). Most of us have all been in men's groups on and off over the years through the last 30 years. So we were not always older or elderly but started getting interested in meeting in a men's circle in our 30s - 40s. I think that makes sense, as it is when we enter middle age that we start trying to find the underlying meaning of our lives instead of just plowing ahead and living day to day, which eventually loses its shine. And there are always shakeups and challenges in every life which are suitable grist for a men's group. And we quickly realized that being in a men's group was one thing we could do that was always positive and meaningful. The men you sit in circle with do not need to be close friends, just people who take their lives seriously and whose values are somewhat compatible. It is the ritual, that I describe in this prose poem, that makes it work. It's like the wheel. No need to re-invent it. Passing the talking stick works, learning to listen without judgment works, smudging works, holding to the structure and not dissolving into socializing and turning it into a fraternizing session works. Drumming works. The only expectation is that the members will do their best to show up and that everyone will respect everyone else and stay for as long as it takes for everyone to have their turn with the talking stick. Just recently we decided that what we were doing was working so well that we should expand. Since then our group has doubled in size and we couldn't be more pleased with the result. I really do highly recommend starting a men's group if you aren't in one, and as I said above I am happy to serve as a consultant for anyone who wants to try.
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