Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Credit Default Swaps
A film treatment *
[ Osama pops a date in his mouth. ]
Osama: Ha, ha! Foolish, foolish Infidels!
[ We hear the following dialog emerging from the surround-sound speakers: ]
American voice: What... what is it, what?
Russian voice: The fools... the mad fools.
American voice: What's happened?
Russian voice: The Doomsday Machine...
[The front door of the "cave" flies open and a robed figure bursts into the room, sliding along the tile floor in stocking feet à la Cosmo Kramer. Osama presses "Pause" and turns to look. The newcomer is Ayman al Zawahiri, Osama's chief strategist and wingman. Al Zawahiri has likewise undergone facial reconstruction. Gone are the beard and glasses. He now bears a striking resemblance to Steve Zahn. ]
Osama: Ayman! Peace and calm be upon you, my friend! I thought for a moment that the Delta Force assassins of CENTCOM were descending upon me. Ho, ho, ho!
[ Ayman is out of breath, but manages a smile. ]
Osama: What then agitates you so, Ayman, my faithful friend?
Ayman: It is the Infidel jackal Bush, impostor Vizier of the Great Satan, my Lord! He has blundered again. He has attacked yet another Muslim nation, just as you foresaw. But...
Osama: Must I repeat, Ayman, it is heresy to address me thus. I am your Humble Servant! There is only one Lord and Master.
Ayman: Praise Allah and his Prophet Mohammed, may peace be upon him!
Ayman [bowing deeply]: No, my Humble Servant... You will tell me, please?
Osama: He is a legend and a great Prophet who dominates the realm of money-changing and usury from his humble cave in Omaha, using only a laptop computer -- just like this one!