Old Racists Never Die

Listen here y'all. Today's Washington Post says 53% of white Americans believe the USA has gone to hell in a handbasket since the 1950s ("White Americans Long for the 1950s "). I am here to tell you that truer words were never spoke. Sure, we might a gained a few modern conveniences like cell phones, Internet and the like, but consider what we've lost! Racial segregation, gender discrimination, communist witch hunts, two flavors of ice cream, etcetera, etcetera. Oh, the humanity. What I wouldn't give to go back to the good old days when spades were spades, queers were in the closet and women were barefoot and pregnant. But those days are gone. They are lost and gone forever.

How the mighty hath fallen. White guys used to have the world by the tail. Crackers like me had all the good jobs, went to all the best schools and got all the low interest loans. Nowadays white guys have to share everything. And I mean everything. Don't even get me started about the American President. First a black Muslim and next...Hillary?!? You gotta be kiddin' me.

These are dark days indeed.

How could this a happened? I mean, everything started off perfect. This country claimed to be a democracy, but everyone knew how things really worked. And everybody was happy about it. Leastways, everybody who mattered was happy. Since when did women, coloreds and immigrants get to have opinions? Give me the good old days when good old boys shot first and left the dead hanging from trees. Hee-hee! Those were some fancy barbecues. You never really get to know a man until he helps you lynch a few darkies. There ain't nothing like a bit of vigilantism for forming brotherly bonds. Amen to that.

But now everything's changed and not for the better. Sometimes I can't hardly believe I still live in America. You take my word for it. The most discriminated against person in the world is the free thinking white man. That's the God's honest truth. Seems like these days a straight shootin' white man can't even open his mouth 'fore some tortilla-slinger or rug pilot starts pitching a fit about their rights being trampled on.

Rights being trampled? Since when have they got rights? Show me where it says in the Constitution that darkies and foreigners have got more rights than red-blooded Americans like me. I dare you to show me because I know the words don't exist. Trust me, I've studied on it.

As if things weren't already bad enough, now we've got a couple of pointy-headed professors who say racism can be eradicated. If that's not proof the world's gone crazy, then I don't know what is. I mean, who in tarnation wants to live in a world without racism? That's like asking fish to live without water. It's unnatural. Before you know it, we'll all be taking showers in the same locker room. I, for one, won't stand for it. It's unhealthy.

But, y'see? That's where all this is headed. It's clear as day to anyone's got eyes to see. They're fixin' to kill us. You take my word for it. It's genocide. The white man has become the world's most endangered species. I truly believe that. The white man's days are numbered. It's only a matter of time till the immigrants, queers and liberated women come a-callin' in the night.

Mark my words. That's when it's gonna happen. In the dark of the night. But just so's you know, there's at least one white man who ain't gonna go into that dark night softly. For anyone who's considering a late night visit to my address, I got news for ya. I keep a double-barreled shotgun cocked and loaded under my pillow at all times. So when you come a-callin' for me, there's gonna be one or two that meets their maker before I meet mine. That's a guarantee from me and from Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

It's sad that it's gotta come to this. I'm a peacable, god-fearing man who's always been willing to live and let live. Just so long as we live the way that God intended. But like I said, the world's gone crazy. Women and coloreds and queers insist on living in the most unnatural ways imaginable. I shudder at the thought. We are not equals and I will kill anyone with my bare hands that says otherwise.

There ain't but one world, and there ain't but one right way to live in it.

Sincerely,

Reverend Billy Bob Butthole, Jr.