Of Barbie, Ken and Tiger Woods

Over the years, I've had my share of pet peeves and nicknames. I can remember a friend in high school who got very excited when a boy she liked called her � ??baby� ? �. Her big brown eyes would swell up with tears of love as she made whimpering puppy sounds and exclaimed, � ??He called me BAY bee!� ? � Like the cafeteria food wasn't enough to make me want to vomit. It's not long before he might be calling you, � ??b*tch� ? � I would think to myself. After all, both words begin with the letter � ??B� ? �. Then again, so does Barbie and we'll get to her in a minute.

Not that I'm the unsentimental type. I've had a lot of nicknames in my life. But as soon as a man starts using pet names at all times instead of my real one, I get a little peeved and suspect one of two things: Either he can't remember my name or worse, there are 18 different telephone numbers under the name, � ??Babe� ? �. Sorry, Tiger; I'm a hole in one type of girl. Your driver is not coming anywhere near my address.

� ??Sweet thing� ? � and � ??Sugar� ? � sound really comforting coming out of the mouth of a smooth talking Southern man. So does � ??Would you like that in 50's or 100's?� ? � With this economy it's not like a lot of people are hearing the latter. I haven't heard the former in years.

� ??Sweetie� ? � is a pet name that just gets on my nerves. If I hear one more sales clerk call me � ??Sweetie� ? � I may have to get my first name legally changed just so I can ask, � ??How did you know my name?� ? � the next time someone dares to call me that. Whatever happened to � ??Sir� ? � or � ??Ma'am� ? �? Call me b*tch old fashioned, but I am not anyone's sweetie when I am paying my hard earned money for goods and services. I'm an economist.

I once dated a man who called me a lot of things. � ??Cutie� ? � and � ??Honey� ? � were two of his favorites. The problem was that he also called almost every female that moved he came in contact with � ??Cutie� ? � and � ??Honey� ? �, too. My real name may as well have been � ??Dude� ? �.Another love interest of mine called me � ??Darling� ? � in public and � ??Baby� ? � in bed. Nothing wrong with that, you say? Dead wrong. When I was three years old, I used to play with my Barbie doll and sing a song I made up called � ??Darling Baby� ? �. On the off chance that this � ??boyfriend� ? � in question was not too busy with everything and everyone else willing to have sex (which got progressively worse and less frequent), I couldn't get the song out of my head as I lay there wanting nothing more than to snap his head off and ride away on my pink dune buggy. A few years later, I realized and accepted that my hatred for dolls in general (and Barbie in particular) stemmed from this experience. It turns out the � ??boyfriend� ? � was just like Ken; he lacked both personality and genitalia and was never gainfully employed.

I think that Barbie needs be discontinued or revamped to look like the tired, sexually frustrated addled woman that many women are destined to be. Mattel ought to give her a complete makeover with some hips, chronic fatigue and a few chin hairs. � ??PMS Barbie� ? � and � ??Menopausal Barbie� ? � will teach girls what the future holds. How about � ??Twice Divorced Barbie� ? �, � ??Stretch Mark Barbie� ? � or � ??No More Crappy Sex Barbie� ? �? I'd be happy to be the model for one or two of those prototypes. I would humbly suggest putting off � ??Golfer Groupie Barbie� ? � for a few years. Instead, Mattel may want to consider focusing on giving Ken a conscience, vocabulary, a pair of balls and a schlong. And a job.

Don't get me wrong. Terms of endearment was a really great movie have their place, but we all have our names for a reason. I just don't want to be the victim of collective mistress identity theft. So take that, Tiger Ken. And the tramp sweetie non-menstruating Barbie(s) you rode in on.