(Transcript from my victory speech last night following a bitterly contested primary fight for the very existence of freedom...and America.)
Shut up! They only gave me a couple minutes!
(Applause dies out)
What a night.
(From this point on, most every sentence was an applause line, so instead of transcribing it, use your imagination)
First of all I want to thank everyone who worked so hard to make this happen.
First of all, my lovely wife and kids who stood behind me during the long, arduous campaign where I sometimes didn’t get home until 5:30 PM. We normally sit down for dinner at 5:15 yet other than the salad, they never dived into the actual main course until I got home. Sometimes, the kids actually looked up from watching their TIVO’d Family Guy episode to say, "Hi dad." I’ll never forget that.
I want to thank the American voters (of Middletown Township) who knew that this primary election for auditor was perhaps the most important election they would ever vote in. It was not about just selecting the Democratic auditor candidate to run in November’s general election. It was about our freedom. The God-given freedom, I might add, that Middletown Township auditors before us (tear here) have died for.
Most important, I want to thank Unopposed, the very lack of anyone running against me for the party’s candidacy which made my close win all the more precious.
As I promised when we began this long journey to victory back in early April, my pledge to you as your Auditor remains that I will not rest until I find out what the township auditor does. For if we do not achieve that objective can we actually begin the work to build a better audit, or whatever it is that the auditor does.
Tonight is a night for celebration, but tomorrow the real work begins. That’s because my boss says I have to get back to my job or I’ll be fired. So it is that we all to need to dig down deep. Deep into your heart. Deep into your soul. But more importantly, deep into your pockets. The more money you give to my campaign, the more days I can take off of work. I know a lot of you may not have the time to write out a check and mail it out, that is why I am available to pick up cash. Please email me your name and address and I’ll shoot over on my lunch break. Just make sure it’s before 5:15. You know, dinner.
Come November I will no longer be running against no one. I will be facing a fierce opponent. One with long, well-manicured nails, that could scratch your eyes out. And I ask you, do you want to live in a township where your children and grandchildren could face a future without eyes? Not that she would. I’m just saying.
I now go back home and begin to prepare for the debates. That includes many sleepless nights in serious study of the auditor issues as well as many hours in makeup. Not for the hot lights of the TV cameras at WBCB. I just happen to like makeup. While I’m not sure how many debates there will be - I have asked for a minimum of ten - only in a double-digit series of polemics can the public get to know who is more prepared to do whatever it is an auditor does.
But it is not only me who has to get ready. You are all my partners in this race. You will also need to prepare for the fight ahead. You don’t want to pull a muscle just as we close in on the finish line. Don’t wait until the last minute. Forget summer vacation. Forget Halloween. The November election may still be over 150 days away, but in reality, it’s only 5 months. Not 150...5. That’s 145 closer than you thought.
So as we continue the march to the White House - actually, the Middletown Township Municipal Center is more of a light grey - let’s make a commitment to make our township the kind that will make our auditor forefathers proud.
God bless you and God bless Middletown Township.
On to Langhorne! Just off Flowers Mill Road! The Middletown Township Municipal Center! The one at 3 Municipal Way!
(Waves of sustained applause and general whooping)
Middletown Township Auditor Candidate, award-winning TV writer, former talk show host but not Al Franken, Steve Young, is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and blogs at the appropriately-named SteveYoungonPolitics.com
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