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Nostratimus' Predictions for 2009

By       Message Tim Cerantola       (Page 1 of 2 pages)     Permalink

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Next Year’s News Now…

Well, it’s that time again when all of us psychics make our predictions for the coming new year.

Now I must admit that I’m a bit light in the psychic department - though I do have regular psychotic episodes if that’s any consolation - not to mention the word 'psychotic' is on the same page as 'psychic' in the dictionary.

So kids, here’s next year’s news now. Hang on to your yoo-hoos or whatever floats your boat and get ready for the psychic magic to begin.

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For the year 2009 I foresee many difficulties and misfortune. Beginning with the economy I see…

The American dollar will continue to lose ground against all major board game currencies.

In Washington DC, a commemorative thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite of the Garden’s millions of pigeons - not to mention the target of Washington’s millions of enthusiastic shoe throwers.

Due to severe market turmoil and economic fallout, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be layed-off. In an attempt to gain a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.

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Citing severe popularity problems (and a total lack of friends), Dick Cheney will have his name legally changed to Yolanda.

Also in Washington, prior to leaving office, US president George Bush will accidentally declare war on New Jersey.

President Barack Obama's popularity will continue to soar amongst those who are not paying attention. Obama will continue to fund large corrupt financial houses, big greedy banks and ridiculously inefficient automobile corporations so that they may continue to lose more money into 2010.

In 2009, Washington will be rocked by a fidelity scandal. A majority of senators and congressmen will reveal they are actually faithful to their wives and happily married. The disturbing news will force several media outlets to near collapse, as without trashy, imbecilic, gossipy gutter news to report on every half hour, the media will be forced to report "useful information".

On the sports scene, a popular baseball player will demand and receive the highest dollar figure in the history of professional sports. He will be given ownership of the team as payment for playing. Once owner, he will promptly trade himself to another team in an effort to stave off bankruptcy.

Finally, on the Bush front, George W. will be arrested for DWS (driving while stupid).

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2009 will be the year that several major peace agreements will be reached - on the planet Moolga. I wish I were there.

In view of recent corruption charges against him, the State Of Illinois will attempt to distance itself from Gov. Rod Blagojevich and officially change its name to Shirley.

On the science front, having closely studied all the data, scientists will announce they have no clue whatsoever as to what is going on.

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.

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