Snayperskaya Vintovka Dragunova a.k.a Dragunov Sniper Rifle
(Image by brian.ch) Permission Details DMCA
A young headline writer in attendance, and itching to make his mark in the news business, created the headline: SNIPER HOUSEWIFE WINGS A COWARDLY EXECUTIVE OLIGARCH.
It got me to thinking, using history as our guide, an old, but proven Soviet method may be something we could put in place to counter the ruthless cowards who call the shots in their war against us -- we, the people.
Our first task, as we begin the fight to bring democracy to the USA, will be to seek out sponsors for a game show. As an extra incentive, rights to the title of the TV show can be offered to the highest corporate bidder.
Experts will be called upon to search nail salons, beauty parlors and churches nationwide in search of skilled female fighters. A candidate who has completed a certified course in sniper marksmanship will enhance her chance of selection. California tattoo and breast-enhancement, plastic-surgery establishments will be sought out as known dandy places to search.
The fact of the matter is that motivated markswoman candidates will be found where you can find them.
A list of approved cowardly psychopaths will be issued to those selected as first-round sniper award shooters. Advancement to the final round will require scoring a confirmed kill of an appropriate cowardly oligarch.
Snipers will wear helmet cameras. All of their activities will be recorded live, until the cut-off point of six finalists is reached. Wasting anyone who is not on the list will result in possible disqualification, after the circumstance is reviewed by experts at NHL's video-review headquarters in Toronto.
The final candidates will be judged in a way which begins with their overall kill score counting for half of the final total.
The swimsuit competition will count for an additional quarter, as will the philosophical aspiration remarks. They can include such popular topics as WORLD PEACE, EXPLODING THE POPULATION, or even ELIMINATING THE MIDDLE MAN.
The hard part, of course, comes later. Major corporations will only finance the operations to a point, and then will demand Congress cover their losses. Those who rubber-stamp such budgets may tend to hesitate if they somehow discover they, themselves, are the primary targets. Yet, many will figure they will be able to avoid the hunt, and that their generous bonus payoffs will be worth the gamble.
The championship round will continue to be brought live to our television-viewing audience. Eligible auxiliary targets will be announced just after the game show's final commercial break.
Some suggest we employ a more humane approach to solving the problem. A cautious approach, advocated mostly by cult followers, suggests a remedy based on encouraging massive amount of believers to attend group-prayer performances in important cathedrals. Some say this approach can be just as effective, and will make those in attendance feel better.
Another suggestion is to increase the body count of those hoisting clever sidewalk-protest signs through approved areas while shaking off the tear gas gains a worthwhile amount of media coverage, especially if the peacemaker is photographed while pointing up to the clouds like a crazed born-again gooney bird on a special mission from God. The lucky ones are those who already reside in the clouds, looking down -- which is the only way they have ever looked -- wondering what the falderal down below is all about.
This is a work in progress; no final decision has been made as yet. Details still need to be worked out, but we feel we have to start somewhere.
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