Oh sure, I could’ve tried to be popular by creating jobs, protecting civil liberties, and getting health care that you could afford without a second mortgage. But I took the hard road. Wadden easy.
QUESTION: Don’t you think you should have done more to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina?
Gee Dub: What are you talking about? We did plenty. I went to see those helicopter drivers who pulled 30-thousand people off the roof in New Orleans. We oversaw the decimation of one of the last strongholds of Democratic liberalism in the South, and that was no mean feat. You ever seen anybody else do that? No sirree. You talk about Mission Accomplished, we didn’t even have to gerrymander southern Louziana, we just let Nature take its course.
QUESTION: So how do you think you’re going to adjust to retirement, you know, no longer being The Decider?
Gee Dub: Oh, I’ll get used to it, though it’s gonna be tough. Since I took office I’ve had a National Security briefing every day but Sunday. That’s the Sabbath you know. That’s the day I set aside for football and pretzels, maybe the occasional “chimichanga.” And don’t forget that I’ve taken more vacation time than any other President in history. So…change? Yeah, I suppose. But change I can get behind. Me an’ ol’ Jack Daniels.
QUESTION: Is it impossible for any president to be a uniter, not a divider?
Gee Dub: Well, I sure as hell hope the tone is different. I tried not to engage in name-calling. Well, needless name-calling at any rate. Terrorist. Socialist. Only when it’s really called for. Like my worthy successor. But Mr. Obama’s a good man, and he’s got a good family. And two cute little girls. And a cat. And some really big ears. No accounting for it, but maybe that’s why he’s a better listener than me.
Well, y’all have been a great audience, and I’d like to say I’m gonna miss ya, but we both know that’s not even close to the truth. Y’all take good care, may the Lord bless ya and keep ya, and don’t let the skeeters bite now, y’hear?
(Walks off stage)
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