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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 4/30/09

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up, Winston?

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Okay, we can relax. We are not -- let me repeat that -- we are NOT a nation that tortures innocent people by repeatedly applying partial drowning techniques as they lie shackled to a bench. That did not happen. Nope. Didn’t. Oh, sure, we know what those memos said. We know what was authorized by now federal appeals court judge Jay S. Bybee back when he worked for Dick Cheney and the two of them decided Imperial Japan in the 1940s and Spain in the 16th Century had some pretty darn good ideas about how to use “enhanced interrogation” processes that would, you know, drive people insane.

But, and, Truthseekers, it is certainly a big but . . . but we only used this torture technique, oh, maybe once or twice on key International Killer/Terrorists like the man -- Abu Zubayda -- who, among other suspicious acts, handled the rental cars in Islamabad for top Queda execs such as -- gasp! -- the big OBL himself. (OBL required one with a rack to handle his portable dialysis machinery, Allah be praised.) Want proof we only “splashed” a little water in these terrorists faces once or twice maybe?  I’m getting there.

See, it really doesn’t matter what the torture memos do or do not reveal. In fact, the Justice Department lawyers and UC Berkeley law professor and a future federal judge who figured out how easy it is to nullify the U.S. Constitution and two centuries of international law, not to mention treaties and trans-national agreements on prohibiting certain state-sponsored acts of degeneracy, found it to be about as difficult as devising new ways to haze incoming university fraternity brothers, (as Rush “The Pigman” Limbaugh so succinctly declared torture to be similar to when the first photos were released from the U.S. prison facility in Iraq). It is, in fact, very easy.  Just write it all down.  A,B,C,D . . . like that.  To make it more fun, though, first slip on some tight, restrictive undergarments, lower the lights, add some appropriate ambient recordings (screams, sounds of blunt instruments hitting flesh, growls, stuff like that), slip into your future judge robe and ... write. Memos. Like the ones recently released by the Justice Department.

But, it never happened the way the liars in the Liberal Media have declared. No. Never. Did we “waterboard” a bit?  Sure. Did we do it more than once per detainee?  Like, repeatedly? Like 183 times in one month to Khalid Sheikh Muhammad?  No!  Of course not!  That’s Liberal Media Bullshit!  And, how do we know it’s Liberal Media Bullshit? Because Fox News has declared it to be Liberal Media Bullshit.

According to a Fox News Report yesterday, the New York Times (and, therefore, all subsequent Liberal Media when the Times report was picked up) was wrong when it reported that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, underwent waterboarding 183 times.  Fox News reported that the number was probably closer to five times, and that 183 was probably the number of times water was poured -- not the number of individual incidents of torture.  See, Fox said the numbers weren’t very well explained in those memos.  Only Fox People could correctly read and interpret those numbers; people like General Glen Beck and Major Sean Hannity.

So, there you have it, people. 183 times? Nah. Just maybe five.  And, that’s okay, that’s permissible, because, well, it’s just like killing people, right? If you kill, say, ten people, well, that’s really murder. But, if you only do one, well, that’s not (unless its a fetus, but that topic’s for another time).

There, now, see, how that works?  Fox News Channel viewers do. They see it perfectly.

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Mike Malloy is a former writer and producer for CNN (1984-87) and CNN-International (2000). His professional experience includes newspaper columnist and editor, writer, rock concert producer and actor. He is the only radio talk show host in America to have received the A.I.R (Achievement in Radio) Award in both (more...)
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