The legal use of napkins is on the left or, if no bowl is present, on top of the plate. Forks, as objects of violence, are required to be on the Left side of the plate. The knife, which cuts through to the truth, must be, naturally, on the Right side of t
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A bit of satire that's not that big a stretch from where we are today-- inspired by Will Potter's report that two animal rights activists were charged with terrorism for Freeing Animals from a fur farm.
(2025 New York City, NY)
The first application of the new Homeland Security anti-terrorism laws have led to the arrest of a waiter, William Culpa, who put the napkin on the right side of the plate was charged with insurgency and terrorism yesterday. Additional charges were added for putting the salad fork on the right side of the plate with the napkin.
A brief history. At one time, terrorism was applied to foreign nationals who planned to do damage or injury to people. Suicide bombers, plane and boat hijackers were considered terrorists. Then, in corporate interests lobbied for legislation that led, in 2006, to the passage of the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act to protect property and business operations. This started out affecting ecological and animal rights activists. The mere taking video of slaughterhouses or corporate operations was framed as terrorism. Before the new terrorism law, protesters were arrested for trespassing. After, they were arrested for terrorism.
A further step down the slippery slope brought more legislation that made it illegal for states to require labeling of food as GMO. This set a precedent removing states rights from a plethora of issues.
The newest legislation expands the definition of terrorism to include threats to the American way of life and value system. The old saying that a a prosecutor could bring charges against a ham sandwich appears to have been replaced with "a prosecutor can charge someone for being a piece of meat," or at least a deli cold cut.
The waiter attempted to argue that the place setting was an example of the nouvelle cuisine that is popular in Paris, and defended his right, in the state of New York to engage in "designer activities," (based on a recently passed law lobbied for by the clothing and restaurant industries in response to the passage of the "terrorist threat to way of life law" passed by congress. The federal attorney bringing charges rejected the claims, noting that federal laws in the past ten years, starting with the laws banning state regulations requiring labeling of food as GMO, and rejecting state laws permitting marijuana use, possession and sale had built precedent to the point that state regulations were no longer viable as defenses.
Mr. Culp is being held, as is the policy for terrorists, in a maximum security prison. A vegetarian, he is on a forced pork and shrimp diet-- the same one that Muslim prisoners are required to eat under the "American diet act" laws, enacted at the behest of lobbyists for Monsanto and the Meat Council of America.
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