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Federal Reserve closes for lack of interest [satire]

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Washington DC (Bobzaguy) In a striking press conference announcement today, the chief spokesman for the Federal Reserve Bank said that the bank's last day of business will be January 31, 2009. This action takes place just 99 years after its inception.

"The Fed's board of directors voted unanimously today to cease business as usual as of 1/31/09 because it is no longer possible for us to make a profit working with money in the Unites States."

Mr. Diego Sanchez continued, "Begun in secret at a Jekyll Island weekend meeting in 1910, the Federal Reserve Bank has made monetary policy, controlled the country's currency and earned a profit for its investors until 2008. We now declare the U.S. to be a profit-neutral country. We will cease doing business with this country shortly."

Sam Donaldson sensed an opening and said, "Sir, can you enlighten the few of us who don't see the meaning of 'profit-neutral'? Is this a way of saying you are losing money?"

Mr Sanchez answered, "No, Sam, we aren't losing money – we've never lost. We are just now aware that at .0025 of 1%, we won't be able to make any money. Please don't get confused here Sam. When you are confused, then all your viewers become extremely impossible for our switchboard to deal with. The money we manage – control – isn't our personal money – the Federal Reserve Bank has no real money. We use the money that the US government prints – then we send an invoice to the government for our services. That amount is now just .0025 of 1% and all indicators show that it will go lower. Our board needs more money than that to return a respectable rate to our investors. Next?"

Helen Thomas asked, "Are you saying that you can't make ends meet in the current interest on over $3 trillion, which you effectively manage? It seems, if I am figuring right — my little Casio here doesn't have all the needed zeros — that you say you can't survive on $7.5 billion income for managing the country's $3+ trillion per year? And my followup – who are these bozos you are calling your investors?"

"Well, Helen, you surely do know how to get the discussion into the reality game, don't you? OK, I'd love to have that Casio in my pocket – can I buy it from you later? I can't afford to pay more than $500."

Mr. Sanchez grins at his little joke and continues, "You do have the numbers close to right – it seems that $7.5 bn you refer to would be plenty for most people who rate returns on the whole amount, instead of by the percentages. But our board sees bleakness where you see sunshine. The Federal Reserve Bank is chartered to be a profitable money institution and as such it is the responsibility of the board to go where the money is – or in our case – where it seems it will maybe end up. And that somewhere is China, according to the research of our bank's staff."

Sanchez continued "so we will be moving in February '09 to Shanghai, where we will be assured of a very prosperous 2.5% rate of return on their money. This is an incredible 1000% increase for our company's investors.

"As to your followup – I am afraid I won't be able to tell you who is on the board, as I don't have to under Chinese law – or their amazing lack of that law. Next."

"In that case," said Ms. Thomas, "I want to know if all the present board, councillors and advisory staff will keep their jobs or be let go."

Mr. Sanchez smiled quietly and said, "Ms. Thomas, that is a very kind heart you have worrying about the staff here at the Fed. We are all going to be transferred to Shanghai."

Then with a slightly wider grin he said, "I guess you could say that we are being Shanghaied by the bank. A tough task master."

"If there aren't any more questions, this is the end of conference, thank you all." He said to the two news hounds and one blogger who had attended.
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I work as a graphic designer in the restaurant industry doing menu concepts and winelist design. My true passions are great music: symphony, opera; great literature; great pizza; not always in that order. My hobbies are crossword puzzles and (more...)
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