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Donald Trump's Fiendish Plot to Destroy the Human Race by Jack Balkwill

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The Donald
The Donald
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The mainstream press are abuzz with scary stories about Donald Trump, but they've missed the biggest one of all. Trump is from the planet mars and is plotting our extinction. My source, Trick Spyman (not his real name), an analyst working for 479 of the nation's 37,657 spy agencies, gave me the details.

At first, I was unconvinced. We haven't even discovered that there is life on Mars, let alone a decent restaurant. When I pointed this out to Trick, he exploded.

"Look, Jack, I have studied Mars culture extensively from my CIA office, where I enjoy access to information which can't be trusted to mere scientists or academics. The mechanical rovers haven't spotted anything on the planet because the Martians have gone underground after destroying their natural environment on the surface. We are aware of this from Martians who are double agents working for us."

So I naturally questioned, "Trump has somehow traveled from Mars to Earth?"

"They employ advanced space travel," Trick replied, "and the evidence of Trump's place of birth is overwhelming."

"What evidence?"

"Have you ever seen a human with hair like that? That, my friend, is Martian hair, a thing their species can't cover up."

I admitted that this was convincing, the eeriness of his being so unlike normal humans, but asked for further evidence.

Trick responded, "Do you remember when his ex wife Ivana called him "The Donald?"

"I have a vague recollection," I admitted.

"On Mars, no two people have the same first name. You would, for example, be called 'The Jack' were you Martian. Ivana, being in the know, slipped and gave him away in an awkward moment, during a difficult divorce in which she was blackmailing Trump that she would let it all out to the public unless she got more millions."

"Okay, that's convincing, but is there more to this?"

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Jack Balkwill has written for publications from the little read Rectangle, magazine of the English Honor Society, to the (then) millions of readers USA Today, and progressive publications such as Z Magazine, In These Times, Counterpunch, This (more...)

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