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Dog Training

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A strange thing happened to me the other night. I was 'sleep' walking my way to the bathroom. Delicately balancing my sleepy haze with a temporary level of half consciousness. Which would allow me to safely navigate my course through the dark dangers of sleeping dogs and dog toys, deal with my bladder and still allow me to easily slip back into my interrupted state of blissful unconsciousness.

The house was dark and silent and seemed as sleepy as me until I noticed a sort of gleam coming from my office. It appeared that my computer, Hunter, was out of his "sleep mode". As I looked into the office I saw that Scout (our Wirehaired Dachshund) was sitting at my computer.
Her butt was nestled in my chair with her long low body stretching out so that one paw leaned on the keyboard while the other paw was on the mouse. She was staring so intently at the screen, she didn't notice me. I strained to focus on the screen and realized she was on my Blog page, The Opinion Sector.  

Smirking and shaking her head in quiet disbelief she pushed the mouse and moved the cursor to the top of the page, right clicked and started looking through my bookmarks! I know that you find this all hard to believe. I did too but there she was, her little paw putting the mouse through its paces. Her beady little eyes blinking at the changing display, with just a hint of a smile on her little wiener lips.

I crept in quietly, quite disquieted by the queer and quirky scene. (I alliterate when I get nervous). She softly blew some air out of her nose. She had found what she wanted. She appeared to be looking at some gift site's products and collections page.

She moved the cursor over the "See All" link and when the list came up she moved it quickly to the "Pet Accessories" link. The smile on her little wiener lips grew craftier.  Without hesitation, her little paw left clicked the mouse. Her eyes grew larger underneath her bushy eyebrows.

She scanned the new page left to right and back again with real determination. Standing up in my desk chair she leaned forward as her eyes narrowed and squinted at the screen. Peering down, she moved the cursor to the scroll bar, right clicked and scrolled the page downward. It was quite obvious to me that she was looking for something in particular. She had the same determined look on her face that she'd get, just before she'd steal Papa Dog's treat.

I heard a soft yip, it could've been a yap but it was so quiet I really couldn't tell. She almost tumbled out of my chair as she did the wiener dance of victory. She had definitely found what she was looking for.

She left clicked the mouse once and then again. A popup page appeared and she leaned closer to the screen. So close, her nose fogged the glass and her mustache and beard were silhouetted against the bright display.

She licked her lips like she does just before she bites me and she made a sound. A nasally sinister, expulsion of breath sort of like... "..eeh...eeh...eeh." It's kind of like the sound John McCain makes when he laughs. You know, like Burgess Meredith sounded when he laughed as the Joker on the original Batman TV series, "...eeh...eeh...eeh."

It's a really creepy sound and it was my cue to back out into the hall. I was a little shaky, not sure if I was dreaming this or not. Through it all I became aware of the reason I got out of bed in the first place. I continued on to the bathroom to complete my original mission.

On my way back I glanced nervously into the office but Scout was not there. Hunter was dark and my chair was back against the desk. When I got back to the bedroom, little Scout was lying in her bed as still as the night. Shaking my head I crawled back into bed right next to Kate, who mumbled in her sleep.

As I lay there I began to think that what I thought I'd seen was really just a dream. A byproduct of my nocturnal call of nature. After all, Scout is smart but she really couldn't manipulate my computer, could she? I know she can be a...devious little devil... but...she has...no opposable...thumbs....and it...seems...unlikely............

As my last thoughts turned to sleep, I thought I heard a quiet little yip. It could've been a yap. I wasn't sure at all as I strained to remember the next morning while I was having my coffee. I didn't say anything to Kate. I knew she would have told me I was crazy. Dogs...computers...sleep walking, that's what it was.

After she left for work, I fed the dogs and watched a little news. I knew I was procrastinating about heading for the office. Scout appeared to be her normal morning self, playing with Merle'n and Mystic and annoying Papa Dog. I shook off my weird feelings and headed for the office.

So I sat down at Hunter and gave his mouse a wiggle or two to wake him up. As the screen came to life, the first thing I saw was a popup page. It was from a gift site and showed a Pink Plush Pet Carrier picture with the text, What pretty pet wouldn't want to come along for the ride if they could travel in stylish comfort like this? I was, needless to say, speechless. My eyes read further, 19" x 6 1/2" x 10 1/2" high.

My brain was trying to calculate when my ears heard a soft but ominous, "...eeh...eeh...eeh." behind me. I slowly spun in my chair to find Scout standing in the door way. She had that strange smile on her little wiener  lips. As I looked closer I noticed she had my handy, 4-in-1 Tape Measure (with built in calculator and notepad) lying at her feet. As I rose to begin measuring I heard a soft yip, it could've been a yap but it was so quiet I really couldn't tell....
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David Spangenburg is a Freelance Wordsmith currently working in both the print world and cyberspace. His short fiction, essays, articles, blogs and OpEds can be found in various magazines, newspapers and on numerous websites. He is the master of his (more...)
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