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Diabolical Liberals Meet Loony Conservatives

By       Message Jon Faulkner     Permalink
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In 1773 colonists boarded an East Indian Tea Company ship, and tossed its cargo into Boston Harbor in protest of British taxes. Much more recently a few republican billionaires funded other tax protests. At one such, “Tea Party” protest, Joe the Plumber, speaking for all ‘mericans, opined how it “just ain’t right” that high flyin’, rollin’ in dough Americans, may get to stay in their foreclosed homes courtesy of the taxpayers. Bailing out the banks however, at a cost of over a trillion bucks, slipped beneath Joe’s antennai. While the Loony Right made nationwide spectacles of themselves, unsettling rumors flashed through the Tea Party goers. Fox News broke the story first! “Diabolical Liberals” have infiltrated the Tea Parties with ill intent!

Mark Sanford, the Governor of South Carolina, was on hand with a tea bag. Mark speechified about how he didn’t want no part of his states $700 million share of Obama’s stimulus plan “cause in ain’t fiscly ’sponsible.” Mark, as even Joe the Plumber might have guessed, is a bit addled. Recently Mark got so lost hiking along the Appalachian Trail, he wound up in Argentina at his girlfriends house. Crying copiously poor Mark, in a bid to make up for his peccadilloes, decided to accept the 700 million after all.” God bless those poor, dumb voters in South Carolina.

California’s Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says he may have to bump 400,000 seniors off Med-Cal. Taxes. Democrats want to raise them. The republicans envision vast ovens. March the old timers in. Haul ’em out in buckets. What could be simpler. Or Cheaper? The Austrian born Terminator, a tea bag aficionado in his own right, said of taxes. “Hasta la vista, baby.” But that was five years ago. Today that grim specter known as reality is perched on Arnie’s muscular head, and the Terminator has allowed how he may hafta raise taxes to deal with his state’s $42 billion shortfall. Arnie knows Californians won’t be happy when they get I.O.U.’s in the mail in lieu of state tax refunds. They will be further shaken because there is no money for highway repairs and maintenance. The only happy Californians will be the state’s school kids who may get a very long recess when funding is no longer available to pay teacher’s salaries.

The republicans have worked long and hard to convince Americans that giving back their tax dollars in services or infrastructural considerations is prohibitively expensive. In a capitalist society, after all, profit must come first. Returning their tax dollars to fund Social Security, health care and education is socialist, and every American knows where socialism leads. Goose Steppin’! It is vastly preferable, that before such tragedy could befall Americans, their tax dollars be delivered to bankers, the defense industry and the private sector which knows exactly how best to spend the taxpayer’s money.

It is commonly known that clueless, government bureaucrats, throw the taxpayer’s money out the nearest window, while private sector corporations, like Dick Cheney’s Halliburton or Wall Street’s investment bankers, simply steal the money making such expensive boondoggles as Congressional Investigations unnecessary. Funding the private sector with taxpayer dollars is one of the more progressive ideas of the 21st century. When American finally notice their shirts have gone missing they will pitch a collective hissy fit. Limbaugh, Coulter, O’Reilly, Savage and all the other raving, Right Wing lunatics, will direct American’s anger at the immoral and unpatriotic librills.

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Jon Faulkner is a licensed Master Mariner. He has long considered the conservative republican mindset a form of mental illness. He lives in northern Maine.

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