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Deportation, American-Style

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Ron Shinkman
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Congress will take on immigration reform soon. If the Democrats can't pass any sort of respectable healthcare bill, they will have to tack right if they wish to save their asses in the midterm elections. It could get very ugly very quickly, and no doubt the birthers and others of their ilk will get a new lease on life.

I will always be the first to come to the defense of immigrants. Most work far harder than the smartphone and screenplay-obsessed buffoons who make up a preponderance of the populace of my hometown Los Angeles. Immigrants are also far more likely to embrace God and family values than those native to the Red States, whose rates of adultery and divorce are so high it's like watching a Noel Coward play minus the tuxes and teeth.

Which brings me to a modest proposal: to kick off reform, why not deport some actual American citizens? After all, the notion behind immigration "reform" is to make the country a more livable place, where the people suspected of abusing our notions of fair play are sent back to where they came from or at least someplace far away from the rest of "us."

Therefore, I've come up with list of the top 10 Americans who should be deported:

1. Joe Lieberman. Lieberman's alter-ego, Droopy the dog, is adored in France, where it was recently placed on a postage stamp. Lieberman is widely detested here, mostly for single-handedly killing the public option and his indirect help in getting George W. Bush named president in 2000. He should be placed on a packet steamer.

FINAL DESTINATION: Lieberman considers himself a religious man, even though he treats corporate interests with far more reverence than his constituents. Therefore he should be deported to Yemen, where the locals have demonstrated enormous tolerance for other religions.

2. Alberto Gonzales. Fortunately, neither Gonzales' grandparents (who migrated here illegally) or his mother and father lived to see him use the office of Attorney General to rationalize torturing other human beings. Or when called to the carpet by Congress, pretending he had the intellectual capacity of the serape-sporting, monosyllabic Mexican Mel Blanc played on "The Jack Benny Program." The only thing conspicuous by its absence from Gonzales' resume is prison time, followed by deportation.

FINAL DESTINATION: Back to old Mexico. Gonzales' fondness for law flouting and waterboarding would make him a fine regional police chief. And the moral indignation he regularly displayed as AG would make it only a matter of time before he crossed the wrong drug kingpin, resulting in the inevitable happy ending.

3. Larry Craig. The former U.S. Senator from Idaho was a notorious gay-basher in public. In private he had a predilection for a wide stance, no doubt the better to take it in the"well, you know. The collision of his private desires with a public restroom brought him down, but still didn't cause the Republican Party to confront the fact that way too many of its most prominent members have jammed themselves rather uncomfortably in the closet.

FINAL DESTINATION: Canada is too close for comfort. So it's either Spain or the Netherlands, where same-sex marriage is legal. Perhaps he and fellow closeted former member of Congress Mark Foley can start new lives together. Mark can keep Larry out of public bathrooms, and Larry can keep Mark from little boys. Successful marriages have been built on less.

4. Orly Taitz. Twenty years ago, a dentist turned correspondence-school-educated lawyer who questions the President's citizenship would have been roundly ignored. In today's 24-hour news cycle, Taitz has become the Anne Coulter of the birther movement.

Taitz' legal arguments as to why Obama should be kicked out of office are more horribly twisted than a train wreck. They have been thrown out of virtually very legal venue in the country, and one court in Georgia of all places even fined her $20,000 for misconduct. Yet, astonishingly, the California Bar has taken no actions to revoke her law license. But there is some hope: Taitz, unlike Obama, was actually born outside of this country. That makes her a ripe candidate for deportation. Since the U.S. Justice Department did an exquisite job stripping Emma Goldman of her naturalization and shipping her back to Russia 90 years ago, doing the same number on a moron like Taitz should be easy.

FINAL DESTINATION: Taitz's birthplace of Moldova (she immigrated to Israel as a child) seems too easy. Perhaps being returned to one of Isarel's neighbors, such as the Gaza Strip, would do the trick. I'm certain Hamas would welcome with open arms a bleached blonde Israeli loudmouth.

5. Michele Bachmann. I'm always stunned that this reactionary harridan actually has two law degrees. Every time she opens her mouth I feel the country's collective I.Q. drop by at least several points not exactly a phenomenon it needs at the moment. My favorite Bachmann crusade: her call to investigate Congress to see which of its members are "anti-American." My favorite Bachmann bill: legislation to bar replacing the American dollar with foreign currency. For this groundbreaking work she draws a $160,000-a-year salary. I would gladly be that dumb for just half her pay.

FINAL DESTINATION: Iran. They treat women very well there. They also have no problem investigating their citizens' patriotism. Enjoy!

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Ron Shinkman is a veteran journalist, communications consultant and writing instructor who lives in Los Angeles. He operates The Irony Supplement blog at http://ironysupplement.wordpress.com, where he regularly comments on the intersection of (more...)

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