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Crocodile Tears for Madoff's Mullets

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Message Allen Fischer
Crocodile Tears For Madoff's Mullets

The term Crocodile tears refers to a false or insincere display of emotion. The expression comes from an ancient anecdote that crocodiles weep in order to lure their prey, or that they cry for the victims they are eating.

They are fake tears. - Wikipedia 2008.
Mullets: There is another, and somewhat older slang reference. A mullet, which is (literally) a fish reportedly so stupid that it will take almost any bait, was adopted as slang by stock brokerage "boilerroom" operators as a term for an investor gullible enough to fall for any sales pitch revolving around a "story" stock.

My sources in that shady industry tell me another word for mullet is "dentist." click here
Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I ponder the tragic devastation inflicted upon Madoff's mullets, aka "Rich People". Oh My God - these folks might actually have to get a job.

"Investors" aka "Usurers" around the world have been duped to the tune of $50+ billion, give or take a trillion or so. You see, my fellow borrowers, aka "debt peons", the sorrow and empathy that I am feeling towards those devastated dupes, aka "sophisticated investors", who were not satisfied with the 2% yield on certificates of deposit, but felt the overwhelming urge to "chase yield", aka "predatory lending", is nothing short of overpowering.

I have to admit.

I am so depressed.

Let me explain how this works in a way that other debt peons can easily understand.

Rich people are very greedy. That is why they are rich. Rich people also work very hard - at their leisure pursuits - aka "golf, tennis, botox, liposuction". However, they are lazy when it comes to working to earn money. They try to get others, aka "debt peons" to make it for them.

So, when you combine greed and laziness, you get people who make "investments" so they can continue to goof off, aka "play golf and drink", as often as possible.

"Investments" are the pursuit of more riches by those who are already rich. Rich people invest their excess money in "debt peons". "Work" is what a debt peon does. Debt peons work so that "investors", aka "greedy bastards", don't have to work. This allows the "investor" to "retire" to leisure endeavors, aka "sailing, shopping and the symphony".

Now, back to Bernie, aka "My Hero". His specialty was stealing $50+ Billion from mullets, aka "rich banks, rich hedge funds, rich old ladies, and rich charities". Where did the money go? Sadly, my guess is that most of the money got recycled back into other rich people's pockets as they cashed in their account to pay for spa treatments.

The Internal Revenue Service got a nice chunk of it though and that is a good thing. Annually, 15% to 35% of Bernie's bogus earnings were sent to the IRS or some other foreign government tax collector. Over the long period of the scam, that probably would amount to $5+ Billion or so. Bernie gets Robin Hood points for this chunk paid to the IRS.

We can probably estimate that $25+ Billion got recycled back to various rich investors who got out early, partially or wholly. The great irony is that these early Madoff Mullets, aka "recipients of stolen goods", are now going to be sued by Madoff's Mullets whose greed caused them to stay with Bernie until the bitter end.

So, this war between rich people's lawyers will no doubt cost the greedy bastards another billion or so before it is over. We can't give Bernie any Robin Hood points for the $25 Billion, but we can give points for the lawyers, who do hire debt peon staff, and spend most their earnings on income taxes and trophy wives, aka "former strippers".

That leaves about $20+ Billion for Bernie and his fund-raising buddies.

Surely, over the long decades of this scheme, Bernie was able to spend, waste, consume $10 Billion on an endless variety of luxury goods such as Country Club Dues. Country Clubs hire lots and lots of debt peons to keep the kitchen cookin' and the range balls washed. Big-time Robin Hood points here for Bernie. I think we can assume that Bernie squandered this hard-earned loot and nearly all of it ended up in the hands of debt peons either directly or indirectly.

That leaves about $10 Billion unaccounted for, except we all know the identity of the "charity" Bernie was fronting for, don't we. Is there really anyone out there confused on this point?

So, the sadness all of us debt peons are feeling as we ponder the fear and uncertainty facing Madoff's Mullets is nothing short of overwhelming. What will they do with the rest of their lives?

Must they go find a job?

Will they buy a Dry Cleaners with their last $100,000 and have to work 6 days a week from 6am to 9pm? Oh, the Tragedy. The Sorrow. The Suffering.

How will we debt peons overcome our depression and move on? Here is what to do. I think, after selling the stove, oven, hot water heaters, light fixtures, window treatments and toilets on Craigslist, we will just call the mortgage company and tell them the overpriced house is theirs.

I think, after we have maxed out all our cards, we should send our shredded credit cards back to banksters in our next payment envelope with a note of thanks "You Won't Be Hearing From Me Again". I think we will place a security freeze on all our Credit Reports and declare emancipation from FICO enslavement.

Finally, I think we will laugh uncontrollably at the stupidity of "investors" who actually thought lending unsecured money to "debt peons" at 24.9% A.P.R. was a great way to make money over the long-term. 
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Allen is a Certified Public Accountant with more than three decades of experience in a broad array of business and tax situations. Allen loves to dance, golf, read and write.
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